The Mudflats

Soon 2008 will be a memory. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. But one thing is certain, Alaska was in the news a whole lot more than anyone ever expected. Strange local politics suddenly became strange national politics, and even issues which remained local to Alaska became just as intriguing to the rest of the nation as they had always been for us locals.

And as we reflect upon the year past, and dream of the possibilities of the year ahead, it’s time to give some acknowledgment to those figures in Alaskan politics who made 2008 so very…..unforgettable.

So, I invite you all, Alaskans and non-Alaskans, readers foreign and domestic, to weigh in on who you think deserves the first ever award I shall call the “Muddy”. And I’d also like to say that we all know who is going to win first place. So, in the interest of adding a little more depth and color to our competition, I’d like to announce the winner, and get right on to our list of runners-up.

I bequeath the 2008 Muddy to Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin. She made us laugh, she made us cry, she made us shake our heads, she made us bang them on our desks, she dissolved our stomach lining, and then just when we least expected it, she made us laugh again. That’s quite a list of accomplishments, and ironically, she turned out to be one heck of a community organize… for the other side.

She was responsible, through campaign vitriol and accusations of “palling around with terrorists”, for a spike in the number of death threats to members of the future first family, and yet she has also been referred to by the progressive blogging community as God’s gift to the Democratic Party.

The first Republican female Vice Presidential candidate and chosen to shore up the female vote, she spurred a huge demonstration in Anchorage organized by the grass roots group, “Alaska Women Reject Sarah Palin.”

She has been given the Conservative of the Year Award from Human Events, and yet Alaska’s socialist tendencies have earned her comparisons to Hugo Chavez, and the ire of actual fiscal conservatives in the her own state.

A mass of contradictions, and media fodder for all eternity, she richly deserves the Muddy. Congratulations.

Now, on to the real horse race.

Based upon your suggestions, and my own, here are our list of 2008 nominees (in no particular order):

Alaska Attorney General Talis Colberg – Plucked from legal obscurity in Palmer, Alaska, Mr. Colberg was given the lauded position of State Attorney General. He’s the guy who told seven state employees that complying with Legislative subpoenas wasn’t really mandatory or anything. Just kind of a suggestion. Yeah, we’re the “Department of Law”, but no need to get anal about it. Outrage and demand for his ouster were the inspirations for Alaska’s largest political rally ever. Charged with holding Sarah Palin accountable, Mr. Colberg has had a lot of vacation time this year, including an infamous trip to Kansas during the height of the Troopergate debacle. In a startling new revelation, he was recently outed as having been the college roommate of none other than embattled and thoroughly corrupt Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich. You can’t make this stuff up. (Doh! I promised not to say that anymore!)

Bill McAllister – Once a beloved and respected Channel 2 News anchorman, and someone with an actual degree in mass communication, Mr. McAllister was given the job of Governor Palin’s press secretery mere weeks before she was chosen as John McCain’s running mate. Surprise! Now known as Alaska’s very own Dana Perrino, Mr. McAllister does his best to rebuff all criticism of the Governor, while getting into very public 2nd grade, hair-pulling email skirmishes, lampooning respected public figures, and greeting the joyous birth of Bristol and Levi’s new baby with an emotional “no comment.”

Meghan Stapleton – Once a beloved and respected Channel 2 News anchorwoman (I’m sensing a theme here), and whose only dreadful performance before working for the McCain campaign was literally getting run over by a Christmas reindeer on television, her fall to the dark side can only be described as extraordinary. Known now as Meghan Stapletongue, because that’s kind of what it feels like when she talks, she was front and center with McCain’s “Truth Squad.” As Orwellian as it sounded, the function of the “Truth Squad” was to stand in front of the media with charts and graphs complete with circles and arrows, and connect anyone and everyone that spoke out for accountability in Palin’s ethics investigation, with…(ominous chord)..Barack Obama….(insert high pitched scream here). Another favorite activity was sullying the name and reputation of ex-Commissioner of Public safety Walt Monegan, a dedicated and competent public servant (who refused to illegally fire Palin’s ex-brother-in-law) by calling him a “rogue” and accusing him of “insubordination.” Nice.

Photo by Dennis Zaki

Ted Stevens – Soon to be our ex-Senior senator, Ted Stevens has been an institution in Alaska politics for the last 40 years. Like Victorian Englad without Queen Victoria, and like ancient Egypt without Ramses II, Alaskans feel a bit lost. And also like in ancient Egypt, we are now faced with chiseling his name off of his great monument, the Ted Stevens International Airport, and giving it to someone else who has political relevence. After seven felony convictions for accepting $250,000 in gifts he “forgot” to delcare on his senate financial disclosure forms, you’d think we had heard the last of ConvicTed. But don’t count him out yet. After a trial which included accusations of prosecutorial misconduct, and a jury that can only be described as ‘eccentric’, Ted’s list of reasons to declare a mistrial or a retrial is long. He’s not one to go gently into that good night. He will probably go into that good night wearing an Incredible Hulk tie, and shouting, “NO!”

Don Young – Thanks to a famous spoonerism, Rep. Young is now fondly known to many as Yon Dung. Every poll taken showed Young losing to challenger Ethan Berkowitz in his race for a 19th term in the House of Representatives. Every poll was apparently wrong, or Alaska’s infinitely tamper-able voting machines were the culprit. Whichever theory you subscribe to, the undeniable fact is that he’s baaa-aack. Veco oil services company used to sponsor Young’s infamous annual “pig roast” fundraiser. Pork anyone? In this past year Young has spent over a million dollars in legal fees. For what? He refuses to say. When will the indictment come? That’s one of the secrets that will be revealed by the FBI in due time.

Fred Dyson and Mike Doogan – A twofer! One vote gets you two, count ‘em two Alaskan bad boys of netiquette challenged email. This little pair of ill-mannered bookends just goes to show us that arrogance, bad form, and the uncontrollable urge to look like an idiot to a large group of people can come from both sides of the aisle. Whether it was asking engaged citizens “Are you people nuts?”, calling those seeking to hold elected leaders accountable for their actions “coreligionists,” (Doogan) or using the ALL CAPS DEFENSE, bandying around words like EVIL and LYNCHING , and demanding that we come up with our own NEW FACTS (Dyson), these two kept our chins on the desk and our heads shaking for a good long time.

Mike Doogan

Fred Dyson

Eddie Burke – Local conservative wingnut radio shock jock, Eddie Burke has perfected the art of …. being Eddie Burke. Most notably this year, he called the organizers of the Alaska Women Reject Sarah Palin rally “a bunch of socialist baby-killing maggots.” As a result of Burke’s diatribe, about 90 counter-demonstrators turned out, and had a dismal day trying to be noticed over the charged up, empowered 1500 on the other side. Eddie Burke eventually apologized, and then to show he really meant it, he called them “a bunch of socialist baby-killers” again. Apparently he just regretted the “maggot” part.

Bill Allen – Former CEO of Veco Corp., half of the “other” Bill & Ted, and master of bribing Alaska Legislators (the self-proclaimed “Corrupt Bastards Club,”) Allen got immunity for members of his family, in exchange for a guilty plea, and for flipping like a fish and telling all about those on the receiving end of his gifts. Mr. Allen also had a penchant for substance abusing under aged girls. Once the best bud of convicTed Stevens, he sat on the witness stand and with nostalgia recalled how they used to drink wine and amble around the desert southwest to lose weight. You just can’t make this stu(clamps hand over mouth). But after Allen’s testimony, Ted, unless he wiggles out of it, is looking at spending some time behind bars. He’s also accused of making death threats against his nephew, who did some of the infamous renovations on Senator Stevens’ chalet, and who started dating Allen’s girlfriend. Allen is captured on video, actually handing over cash to Legislator Vic Kohring in the Baranof Hotel, presumably to stuff in his young daughter’s plastic Easter eggs. And there is more to come, you can be sure.

Chuck Kopp – A blast from the past. Kopp briefly played “bad cop” to Monegan’s “good cop” in the Troopergate debacle. Palin appointed Kopp, the chief of police in Kenai, to the vacant seat left by Monegan. No sooner had he entered the picture, than a former sexual harrassment issue forced him to resign the position in disgrace. Kopp stated that it was right there in his file, and he assumed the governor’s office knew about it. They said they didn’t, once again proving that even the most superficial vetting is, in fact, a GOOD thing. Kopp didn’t apologize, but told us all that this was between him and Jesus. And then he got $10,000 severence pay from the governor for two weeks of work. Monegan’s severence pay? Zilch.

Todd Palin – Known as “the shadow governor” Todd is a man of few words, and a whole lot of mystery. If Sarah Palin is George Bush, then Todd is Dick Cheney, although we cannot prove he shot anyone in the face. He sits in on official meetings, gives his 2 cents on budget issues, ignores legislative subpoenas, discusses certain Troopers who shall remain nameless with certain ex-commissioners of public safety while sitting in the governor’s office. Winner of the Iron Dog snowmachine race, he has been known to use his talents for….obsessive compulsions, like following his ex-brother in law 100 miles into the frozen wilderness to snap photos proving he doesn’t have a back injury. You just can’t make (clamps hand over mouth). And who can forget that as a former member of the Alaskan Independence Party, he enabled a nation to say that Sarah Palin “Pals around with separatists!” Todd has been copied on official state emails that are supposed to have executive privelege, and yet he is not an employee of the state, nor a member of the executive branch, so he’s a private citizen who can’t claim that privelege, but we are also private citizens and aren’t allowed to see these emails because they are priveleged….. I’m dizzy. And that, it seems, is the goal. And while Sarah always gets the spotlight, at least he got a pair of silk boxers paid for by the RNC out of the deal. Or did he have to give those back?

Tim Petumenos – Tim Petumenos is the special counsel to the Alaska State Personnel Board. Although the investigative powers of the Alaska State Legislature are plenary (that means they can investigate whatever they want) Sarah Palin decided that the more objective way to figure out if she was ethical was to ignore the findings of the bipartisan Legislative council, (made up of 8 Republican legislators and 4 Democratic legislators), and instead go with the decision of the three-person Republican governor-appointed board that reports to her. And she did this by filing a complaint against herself. You just ca(CLAMP! I’m getting faster.) And just to make things EXTRA non-political, Tim Petumenos released the results of this investigation the day before the election. Whew…glad this one was impartial and apolitical. Did I mention that Palin was cleared of everything? Heck, she was so innocent we may as well just give her blanket immunity for the rest of her term! It’s a good thing that former terrorism lawyer Ed O’Callaghan was flown in from NYC by the McCain campaign to advise our Department of Law. I don’t know if they could have been this clever on their own.

Brian the Moose – And winding up our dirty dozen, here’s our wild card entry. Brian, the official mascot of the Mudflats was accused of a crime this year. A crime of passion? Wanton vandalism? A strange ungulate calling which we humans simply cannot understand? We may never know for sure why he did it, but last fall, at approximately 5am, Brian stole my swing set. After investigating the clanging noise outside, and wondering if neighborhood children had discovered this little used yard relic, spouse and I discovered it was GONE. Brian had been sniffing around the swing set recently, and when we discovered it, abandoned in the woods about 500 feet away, we deduced that it had gotten tangled in Brian’s antlers and had gone for one heck of an early morning ride. There’s no doubt that Brian is beloved here, but does this mean he should get off scott free? Is the circumstantial evidence enough to convict him, especially when motive is unclear? Damage was minimal, and entertainment value was high…. You make the call.

Well, that’s it Mudflatters and Mudpuppies. Alaska’s Dirty Dozen of 2008. And of course, you all know that there could have been dozens more, but my typing muscles can only hold out so long. I have no doubt that 2009 will see a brand new crop of rogues, renegades, crooks, and ne’er do wells sprout up like chickweed after a good spring rain.

I know it’s going to be tough, so I’ll let you pick your TOP THREE CHOICES! The poll will close at the end of the day, January 2. We’ve got 10 Republicans, 2 Democrats and a moose. You decide.

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Well, it’s bedtime here in Alaska, and the temperature is well below zero.  It’s the kind of night you don’t want to forget to  hit that preheat setting on the electric blanket.

There was much to talk about today, and as I suspected, the birth announcement of Bristol and Levi’s baby brought out a rash of trolls who managed to get everyone a bit stirred up.  So in the interest of settling us back in to our regular routine, I have done three things.

1)  I have added a new page to the blog (see tab above) called Comment Guidelines.  This is to serve as either an introduction or a reminder (depending on your situation) to the comment guidelines that have been posted, and buried in the FAQ page.  Please take a moment to read them over.  It won’t take long, and I think it will be helpful.

2) I have (using the aforementioned guidelines) gone through the baby posts, with a gentle broom, and done some sweeping.    I’ve also closed comments on both baby threads.

3) I have not seen our Mudflats mascot Brian the Moose in some time.  If I were Brian, I’d be hunkered down somewhere waiting for this cold snap to pass.  So, since I’ve been going through a little Brian withdrawal, I sifted through some pictures from last year, and found this one I hope you like.  Dueling Brians!  These two bulls hung out together for quite a while.  The younger of the two kept tagging after the larger one like a pesky little brother.  But the older one seemed tolerant for the most part and they galloped around in circles,  play battled with their antlers, and generally had a pretty good time.

Do stop over and visit in the Night Kitchen Open Thread, where there is no such thing as off-topic, and tangents, epiphanies, and streams of consciousness are always welcomed.

More end of the year frivolity.  I can almost hear Mr. Rogers singing it now… 

First, in a poll by Zillo, our very own grandma Governor was voted as the celebrity that people would most like to have as a neighbor.  I wonder if the Palins’ neighbors realize how lucky they are?  Actually, I wouldn’t mind being Sarah Palin’s neighbor for a little while.  Think of the stuff that would pop up on Mudflats!  The readership would probably be suffering from the “way too much information” syndrome in short order.

But on to another poll.  One of my favorite blogs Crooks & Liars is preparing to give out the Golden Crookies Award for 2008.  The question, “Who is the Biggest Wingnut of 2008?”  And guess who’s in the lead by almost double her second place competitor?  Well….I won’t spoil it for you.

There are some pretty good choices in the list, other than our dear gov; Michelle Bachman, Joe the Plumber, Pastor John Hagee, Bill Kristol…  Click HERE and tell them what you think!

And I have to confess, I’ve become inspired by the Golden Crookies.  I’m thinking that there needs to be some kind of contest for our own brand of Alaskan wingnuts, crooks, rogues and ne’er-do-wells.

I invite you to submit recommendations in the comments section.  I have my own list, but goodness knows I don’t want to forget some well deserving soul. 

This is going to be fun.

So, today when the long-awaited news finally came, and I heard the announcement come over the radio, and I heard CC on KUDO announce that Bristol and Levi’s new baby was named….”Tripp,” my first thought was that she had been pranked, and pranked bad. I like CC a lot, and I think she does a fine job, and it pained me that here she was on the air, having her very own “Sarkozy phone call” moment. This was going to be really embarrassing. Because, really. Tripp was one of those names that people were making up in their “What will Bristol Name the Baby?” games.

Some of those guesses were: Talkeetna (a town up the road from Wasilla) or Meth-ew (as suggested by a comedian on Countdown with Keith Olbermann), and there were other silly ones like “Rifle Fanbelt” and “Tackle Musher” and all sorts of things. But several people did stick with the “T” theme, and I’ll swear that someone somewhere suggested “Trip” as a pun referencing the drug bust of the baby’s paternal grandmother last week. My choice was “Tyvek”, as an homage to the many buildings in Wasilla and environs that never quite got all the siding on, and are left with the famous Alaskan exterior wallpaper sealer with the blue “Tyvek” logo all over it.

So, yup. I was feeling mighty bad for ol’ CC. Somebody got her good. Imagine my surprise when I double checked the People Magazine website, and found out…yes. It was Tripp. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Wow.

Tripp? Was this just a “Tr” name like Uncle Track and Uncle Trig? Did it mean something else? Why 2 “P”s?

Tripping is a hockey penalty. It’s also a reference to drug use. Tripp’s father is studying to be an electrician, so maybe tripping a circuit? Tripp can sometimes be a nickname for someone with a “III” after their name (triple), but not as a name unto itself… Hmm. We’ll try another search.

How about the Urban Dictionary. (h/t Phil Munger at Progressive Alaska) The parents are young and hip….let’s see what they mean. Maybe it means good looking, or cool, or, in the know…

or

Tripp: To engage in sexual intercourse with, usually while drunk or out of pure infatuation. Another word for having sex.

She got drunk and tripped with him after the party.

So, what was Easton? What was Mitchell? Family names perhaps? Or did the hockey playing, fishing/hunting family have something else in mind. A quick Google, and some deductive reasoning came up with:

This reminds me of the Saturday Night Live bit when Tina Fey was doing the Sarah Palin impersonation of the Katie Couric interview. One of Fey’s answers was basically exactly what Palin had said in the real interview. It was a parody of itself, and it was one of the biggest laugh lines, because it didn’t need to be rewritten. Reality was enough.

Behold, another parody of itself. One step away from “Tripp Skate Reel Palin,” a perfectly respectable name you’d expect to pop out of the famous Palin Baby Name Generator program. Just for fun I entered Tripp Johnston into the Palin Baby Name Generator and came up with “Chisel Dustup Palin.” I kinda like it.

Either the new parents have thick skin, and a good sense of humor about the whole thing, and assume that their new child will also have a thick skin and a sense of humor, or they are afflicted with the same problem as the baby’s maternal grandmother. I refer to the inability to step out of one’s own situation, and imagine how others will see it; to have the ability to see things from the perspective of another.

But it doesn’t stop there. Now, Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston and his birth story have gone to the highest bidder – People Magazine.

“The bidding started well before the baby was born, but once Levi’s mom was arrested — well, then you had a story,” says one editor.

As for how much teen parents Bristol and Levi made from the deal — most estimates hover around the $300,000 range (none of the magazines would confirm the exact figure in the end, which is standard).

No word on whether the money will go to charity, as sometimes happens in a celeb baby deal.

So now they stand to profit not only from the baby, but the drug bust of the baby’s grandmother, which increased the worth of the pictures. There’s just something wrong with the world.

On September 2, four days after her nomination as the Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin asked us to “respect [their] daughter’s privacy.”

But now that the campaign is over, the baby is here, mother and child are well, and the finances are all settled, the proud grandparents are free to make a statement. We can focus on the positive. It’s a new baby, after all. The Palins told us how proud they were that Bristol “chose life.” They must be anxious to share their joy. Maybe they even put a little spot up on the governor’s website to leave messages, like they did when Trig was born, and is still there as of now. So what do the proud granparents have to say about this new addition to the first family?

On Monday, Bill McAllister, a spokesman for Gov. Palin said, “This office will not be issuing any statements on [Bristol's baby]. We’re here to talk about state government and that matter falls outside of that.”

How very…. what’s the word I’m looking for here…. un-celebratory. No comment?

I would like to offer my assistance to the Governor’s office, yet again. I humbly suggest you try something like this:

We are delighted to welcome our new grandson Tripp to the family. He and Bristol are doing well. We thank all of you who are sending your thoughts, prayers and well wishes to our family. Although we appreciate it as you celebrate with us, we also request that Bristol and Levi be afforded privacy and quiet family time as they settle into their new roles as parents. Anyone wishing to send messages of love and support may do so at the following email address: ____________.

Again, really not that hard. And it took about 10 seconds longer than the “We will not be commenting on the birth” statement.

I hope these are my final words on Palin babies for a while. And even though the Palin family won’t do it (maybe it violates their agreement with People Magazine), I would like to take this opportunity to say something, because MY office will be issuing a statement. And here it is:

Welcome to the world, Tripp! It can be a wonderful place, and it can be a scary place. But with each new person such as yourself who puts their little feet upon it, there is hope for us all. So may those little feet carry you far and wide, across Alaskan field and stream, and out into the wide world beyond. May you do good, and be good, and leave this place a little better than you found it. May you find your calling, and make it your life. And may you have luck and love to carry you through all your days.