The Mudflats

Well, it’s been quite an evening. It was Friday night, and I suppose I was in need of a little adrenaline rush, a little tiptoe into the dark side, a little plunge into the belly of the beast. It’s been a while since I infiltrated a Republican event, and I am happy to report that I survived relatively unscathed. A little nauseous….a little dizzy….but alive to tell the tale. Tonight there was a double header at the Anchorage Hilton – A Dan Sullivan (the only conservative running for Anchorage mayor) fundraiser, and the Republican Party “Lincoln Day Dinner”. I just couldn’t resist.

So spouse and I did our best to “dress Republican” and we headed downtown. When we arrived at the Hilton, we scoped out the Dan Sullivan room, which was right across the hall from the other event. The room was very small, with not many people. I had a sudden panicky thought. “What if I see someone I know? How would I explain being here?” Then I realized that it was not only unlikely I’d see anyone I knew, but if I did, they were actually there too…so they wouldn’t be wondering what I was doing there. Then spouse asked if I needed a glass of wine. Definitely.

Next, we decided to check out the banquet room. People were starting to arrive and were milling around the edges of the room. A silent auction! I wondered for a moment what items might one find at a Republican Party silent auction. I soon found out. The very first item on the table? A Hillary Clinton nutcracker. I’m not kidding. Then a lunch with Dan Sullivan. Then a basket of liquor. Then a lunch with Don Young. Then a basket of wine. A couple angry conservative books. More liquor. A chinchilla fur neck wrap. Wine. A couple weird beaded American flag things.  More liquor.  And finally….a George W. Bush jack-in-the-box that played “Hail to the Chief” when you cranked the handle.   By the time I got to the end of the long line of tables, I realized my wine glass was just about empty.

~~~Doesn't it suck how Sarah gets picked on because she's a woman?

~~~~Pop Goes the Weasel~~~~

~~~Fur and Liquor...now THAT's an auction!

But wait, there’s more. I had hardly recovered from this bizarre display of goods, when I realized there was another group of tables. This was the big stuff. A framed piece of artwork, a plate autographed by Sarah Palin, liquor, a couple more angry books, and an autographed picture of Lisa Murkowski. I burst out into the hall like someone who’d been swimming and holding their breath. >Gasp<

~~Sarah Palin and Blood on the Tundra. Poetry is everywhere.

I suddenly felt very much like a progressive out of my element. I needed to blend in. So I perused the tables lining the hallway and grabbed some brochures. I even….put on a Dan Sullivan for Mayor button. You gotta do what you gotta do. Some of the material I gathered: A Dan Sullivan pin, bumper sticker and flyers. Copies of some newspaper op ed pieces like “Alaska’s black-robed elitists trample on parents’ rights”, “Moral Convictions and Politics are One”, “‘Far Right’ Issues Can’t Be Dismissed as ‘Fringe’ Concerns,” some literature from the CPC Pregnancy Center of Anchorage including an invitation to the “Father-Daughter Purity Ball – Because We Cherish Our Daughters as Royal Princesses. Vow to protect your daughter (11 years and older) in her choices for purity.” After several minutes of leaning against the wall, and another glass of wine, I looked up and there was Lt. Governor Sean Parnell coming up the stairs, followed by Sarah Palin. I knew she’d be headed for Dan Sullivan’s room, so I scooted in and positioned myself for a picture. The rest of the room had no idea she’d arrived, and when she walked in, some guy yelled, “SARACUUUDA!” which was followed by rapturous applause.

The woman next to me gushed, “Oh my gosh, she’s soooo pretty!” She proceeded to hug, and smile, and sign autographs, and talk and hug and sign autographs, and smile….and eventually Dan Sullivan, like the goobery kid at the dance, came over and had to literally tug on her sleeve to get her to pay attention to him. Glasses were clinked with knives, and a hush fell on the room. “Nothing would make me happier than to work with Dan Sullivan as mayor,” she said. Wow. Nothing? Then she went on to say that Dan Sullivan’s sister works in her office. (That will be important in a minute)

Then in the next sentence she did it. She dropped the A-bomb. “Also.” Spouse looked at me and I felt the edges of my mouth start to creep up in a smile against my will. But looking around at all the beaming faces, I realized that a giant goofy smile would fit right in. So smile I did at the whole rest of the word salady feast which ensued…

I want to thank Dan for all he has done for this community and really this part of Alaska, not just the municipality of Anchorage. My parents are here – Chuck and Sally Heath – [she looks around for them but they are not in the room] and they are here too, whether they know it or not, to show support for Dan Sullivan because this greater area that is – that has such great potential, our communities out there in the Valley and in Anchorage needing to work closer together, I think it would be extremely helpful to have a good mayor who understands a lot of that pioneering independent spirit that is the Valley. I think we see a win-win there with his election. And then overall too for the state I think we need him as your mayor so that the good relationship with the state administration – that can really be tapped into – taken advantage of essentially. [that would be Dan Sullivan's sister.  All during that sentence, Sullivan nodded like a bobblehead]  I look forward to being able to work closely with him, so thank you also for being here to support Dan, and good luck, God bless ya, and we’ll be rootin’ for ya!

~~~Dan Sullivan, Sarah Palin and her Blackberry

I did think of all the Mudflatters at that moment, standing an arm’s length away from the governor and wishing you could have been flies on the wall enjoying the blizzard of words with me.  It was really quite something.  Sullivan just sort of stood there looking kind of pasty and uncomfortable, while Palin soaked up the spotlight like a sponge.  She left the room after her little speechlet, and swept across the hall.  Everyone in the room followed behind like little red ducklings, and soon the Sullivan room was left with nobody but Dan, a couple guys by the bar, and a big metaphorical tumbleweed.

After another recovery period in the hallway, I remembered something I had in my coat pocket.  A little ziploc bag with a bunch of “Where’s Sarah?” buttons.  I showed Spouse the bag, and we both looked at each other.  Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the crazy brain chemicals from listening to the word salad.  Maybe it was the pinching of my Republican shoes, but the compulsion the overtook me was simply irresistable. I don’t know who ended up at the end of the night with the basket of whiskey, or who ended up with the basket of wine and fake grapes, but hidden under those bottles was …. a special surprise.  Yes, those unwitting Republicans were the lucky winners of one “Where’s Sarah?” button each, courtesy of the Mudflats! 

~~~A perfect match with red wine, or hard liquor!

Then the evening’s festivities began.  Miss Alaska was there, teetering on high heels, half-clad in a skin tight red mini-dress, a crown, and a fake tan, to sing the national anthem.  The the Rev. Jerry Prevo of the mega-church the Anchorage Baptist Temple with a prayer.  Then the pledge of allegiance.  Then ex-Lieutenant Governor Loren Lehman was introduced as being someone who “looks like Lincoln.”  We know him as Loren ’the Undertaker” Lehman.  How did he get this nickname, you ask?  Behold.  His speech consisted mostly of bashing President Obama for “shamelessly misappropriateing the image of Abraham Lincoln.”  We heard about how he quotes Lincoln, and how he was sworn in on Lincoln’s Bible, and how the food at the Inaugural luncheon represented Lincoln’s favorite food.  “I expected him to show up in Lincoln’s stove pipe hat,” he said.  Then he proceeded to mangle former VP Democratic candidate Lloyd Bentsen’s words saying, “With all due respect, I know President Lincoln, and you’re no President Lincoln.”  This, and the wine made me wonder if perhaps Lehman the undertaker really DID know President Lincoln and he had managed to keep himself alive for the last hundred and fifty years with some kind of strange Republican embalming fluid so he could be here to address the crowd….[shudder]

~~~Grab the children and RUN!

Then he mentioned Palin’s rejection of the stimulus money.  And what did he say to her, as she sat right there at the table in the front row?  “Thank you Governor Sarah Palin for protecting Alaska’s interest!”  I’m still trying to figure out how she’s protecting our interest by rejecting money for education, special needs kids, weatherization, immunization, and a host of other things, which will go to some other state if we don’t take it.  “If Abraham Lincoln were here, he’d lead in a standing ovation!” quoth the Undertaker, and the room stood cheering.  The same Republicans who said that we’d better re-elect convicTed Stevens so we could keep getting all that money, were standing in rapture applauding a governor who was giving it away to California.  It was really stunning.

Before we move along,  please join me in the irony of a man who was introduced as “looking a lot like Lincoln”, who actually said, “I know Lincoln” and claimed a standing ovation in his name, and who is wearing some weird get-up that looks like it came from the 1800s, actually mocked the President of the United states for “shamelessly misappropriating the image of Lincoln”.  The mind reels.  But this is the belly of the beast….logic has no meaning here.

And of course, what’s a Republican dinner without a good jab at our new Democratic Senator, Mark Begich.  Lehman said that when Begich was addressing the stimulus money, “He said, ‘I don’t understand what all the posturing is about?’” Lehman chuckled in an all-knowing sort of way, raised one big creepy eyebrow and said, dripping with sarcasm, ”I’m sure he doesn’t!”  I don’t know what that was supposed to mean, but it was good for another round of uproarious laughter.

It was at this point, that I had to flee.  I knew there would be a point at which the time was right to escape, and as everyone started to eat and mingle, and talk about how evil Obama is, that moment arrived. On the way out, Spouse and I decided to leave a little present for any Mudflatters who want to go on a treasure hunt this weekend.  I mean, why should the Republicans get all the goodies? 

We left a few of those “Where’s Sarah?” buttons just for you.  So put on your pith helmet, get out your map of downtown Anchorage, and get ready for adventure! If you enter the Anchorage Hilton from the side entrance off of 3rd Avenue, walk in and take a right down the hall.  There’s a men’s room across from The Aspen Room.  Look under the first sink on the left, taped underneath.  There’s also one further down the hall in the Ladies’ Room across from The Spruce Room taped to the underside of the feminine hygeine dispenser.  For a quick and easy drive-by, there’s another one under the pay phone on the corner of 4th and F, right by the Federal Building.  Do drop me an email if you pick one up!

Now, it’s time for a long, hot shower, and a good scrubbing with a Brill-o pad.  G’night Mudflatters!