The Mudflats

Happy Halloween Mudflatters! I got this submission from a reader we’ll just call “Eddie Fireplace Palin,” and in the holiday spirit, I thought I’d share with all of you. As you chomp your candy corn and try to unweld your jaw after a good watermelon Jolly Rancher, sit back with some hot cider, turn the lights down low, and prepare to have the ever-loving bejeesus scared out of you. As you read this fantastic twist on Poe’s The Raven, think….think about what might have been…. Bwahahahahaaaaaaaaa…

The Paven
by Eddie Fireplace Palin (with apologies to E.A. Poe)

Illustrated by AKM (with apologies to the entire internet)

Once upon a midnight dreary, dressed in my pajamas cheery,

Seeking answers to life’s mysteries, buried at the web’s very core.

While on my keyboard I was tapping, suddenly I heard a yapping,

A strange, incoherent yapping, on the porch outside my bedroom door.

“ ‘Tis but the wind,” I muttered, “Outside my bedroom door,

Only this, and nothing more.”

My eyes were red and bleary, my searches naught but futile query,

I rose, and with head in hands, paced upon the oaken floor.

Then again I heard the yapping, as if some lips were loosely flapping,

An ignorant word-salad yapping, too obnoxious to ignore.

With foreboding, I turned and pulled the handle to my bedroom door,

And there sat the Paven, the woman-bird of ancient Alaskan lore.

And I beheld a sight beyond compare, at the comely Paven, I could only stare.

Her black feathered body was sleek and fair,

Upon her head was a towering coif of woven hair,

Her face was adorned by glasses, rimless and square.

But more than all else, one thing caused my heart to jump:

Upon her feet were naughty red monkey pumps.

Suddenly with feathers streaming,

In flew the Paven, and perched upon my Macbook gleaming.

Joined now by this bird from yore, instantly my mind began to soar,

Grasping, reaching for the many answers that must now be in store.

But the the Paven spoke these words, which turned my joy to horror:

“Also Too” – This it spoke, and nothing more.

Presently my fear grew stronger,

Enchanted by this bird no longer.

“Bird or devil!” I shouted, “Evil unrepentant bore!

Quit thy perch upon my Macbook! Fly back to your Lake Lucille shore!”

But the Paven perched and sat and spoke these words:

“Also Too” – This it spoke, and nothing more.

My spirit now was broken, without so much as a token

Of knowledge gained or wisdom spoken.

Never should I foolishly quest for knowledge, this I swore.

And I longed for the peace and quiet I had enjoyed before.

Instead now with me was the Paven, speaking just these words:

“ Also Too” – For Evermore!