The Paven – A Scary Halloween Poem
Happy Halloween Mudflatters! I got this submission from a reader we’ll just call “Eddie Fireplace Palin,” and in the holiday spirit, I thought I’d share with all of you. As you chomp your candy corn and try to unweld your jaw after a good watermelon Jolly Rancher, sit back with some hot cider, turn the lights down low, and prepare to have the ever-loving bejeesus scared out of you. As you read this fantastic twist on Poe’s The Raven, think….think about what might have been…. Bwahahahahaaaaaaaaa…
The Paven
by Eddie Fireplace Palin (with apologies to E.A. Poe)
Illustrated by AKM (with apologies to the entire internet)
Once upon a midnight dreary, dressed in my pajamas cheery,
Seeking answers to life’s mysteries, buried at the web’s very core.
While on my keyboard I was tapping, suddenly I heard a yapping,
A strange, incoherent yapping, on the porch outside my bedroom door.
“ ‘Tis but the wind,” I muttered, “Outside my bedroom door,
Only this, and nothing more.”
My eyes were red and bleary, my searches naught but futile query,
I rose, and with head in hands, paced upon the oaken floor.
Then again I heard the yapping, as if some lips were loosely flapping,
An ignorant word-salad yapping, too obnoxious to ignore.
With foreboding, I turned and pulled the handle to my bedroom door,
And there sat the Paven, the woman-bird of ancient Alaskan lore.
And I beheld a sight beyond compare, at the comely Paven, I could only stare.
Her black feathered body was sleek and fair,
Upon her head was a towering coif of woven hair,
Her face was adorned by glasses, rimless and square.
But more than all else, one thing caused my heart to jump:
Upon her feet were naughty red monkey pumps.
Suddenly with feathers streaming,
In flew the Paven, and perched upon my Macbook gleaming.
Joined now by this bird from yore, instantly my mind began to soar,
Grasping, reaching for the many answers that must now be in store.
But the the Paven spoke these words, which turned my joy to horror:
“Also Too” – This it spoke, and nothing more.
Presently my fear grew stronger,
Enchanted by this bird no longer.
“Bird or devil!” I shouted, “Evil unrepentant bore!
Quit thy perch upon my Macbook! Fly back to your Lake Lucille shore!”
But the Paven perched and sat and spoke these words:
“Also Too” – This it spoke, and nothing more.
My spirit now was broken, without so much as a token
Of knowledge gained or wisdom spoken.
Never should I foolishly quest for knowledge, this I swore.
And I longed for the peace and quiet I had enjoyed before.
Instead now with me was the Paven, speaking just these words:
“ Also Too” – For Evermore!
OH The Horror! also too….
I like it, also too! AKM – did you forget the red naughty monkeys in your horrific graphic?
The paven….awesome…should be re-spelled PAYVEN, cause this bird is all about gettin’ paid.
Very creative – new Pajamas for this blogger!
oh i am sooo stealing this..with credit to you and the website you stole it from.
This was an original by a Mudflatter and graphic by me. So it isn’t anywhere else, as far as I know… ?? AKM
This is the BEST! Thanks again for making my day.
I am in awe of the talent in this group.
Quilting, LynRocket, Pumpkin Carvers, and Poets —
{sob} I am soooo green with envy !
And, turkeys, also too are afraid of the Paven.
One positive thing about this governor is she’s bringing out the creative side of people. Who would have thunk?
Would that “Also, too” were the only words(alad) it had ever muttered! As I said in chat a couple days ago, Scarah went our for Halloween as a human being. No one recognized her. All hail the anonymous blogger who wrote this! Poe wouldn’t mind, I have it on good authority.
That poem was so clever and funny! And AKM’s graphic added to it as well.
Happy Halloween to All!
Wow, just wow! Brilliant.
I’m looking forward to the trick or treaters. I MUST get this candy out of my house. Nevermore.
Absolutely love the poem. It is amazing the talent that comes to this blog. As the saying goes, “Like attracts like”. Doesn’t that say alot about the ppl that come here and the ppl that go to the opposing blogs? There’s so much caring and kindness here, way to go mud puppies!!
That is one wickedly funny poem and graphic! Muuahahahahahaha!
Spell-check czar here, FYI Eddie: you began a word with a ‘b’ that should have started with ‘w-h’.
/fixed!
Bravo Eddie! (and AKM for the graphic!)
Did Sarah’s FB ramblings about “tomorrow’s the day!” remind anyone else of Linus going on and on about ‘The Great Pumpkin’???
Of course, Linus was innocent and adorable and always made me want to give him a hug. XINO, on the other hand, is ignorant and asinine and always makes me want to yell “You BLOCKHEAD!!!”
AND THE PAVEN, NEVER SITTING,
STILL QUITTING, STILL QUITTING…
ON THE PALLID BUST OF PALIN, JUST BELOW HER PIEHOLE – A PIN, HER SIN, FAKE GRIN
HER BESPECKLED EYES SEEMING OF A DEMON DREAMING
AND THE LAMP O’ER HER STREAMING THROWS HER SHADOW ON THE FLOOR
HOPEFULLY SHALL BE LIFTED – NEVERMORE!
AND YET, ALAS, THERE IS STILL A TAPPING, A RAPPING AT OUR NATIONS DOOR – THE CONGRESS FLOOR AMID THE H8TE SPEECH OF TRASH FROM TRAILER PARK – AN EMISSARY OF THE DARK
TONGUE OF LIES, EVIL EYES, ROUGHLY TAP TAP TAPPING…EVER MORE….WHAT A BORE!
Completely brilliant-! Could be also, too, that the servant’s heart Sarah is so fond of is really “The Telltale Heart”- making her the murderer….
Thank you for that laugh, Fireplace Eddie and AKM. Were my first four trick or treaters to be my last four as well? It’s already getting dark here, and the wind is picking up. A perfect night for howling!
We have a full moon in Ireland!
I loved the poem and the graphics.
The dog is howling!
Love it! What a talented bunch – I’m proud to be a mudpuppy. Bravo to you, Fireplace Eddie. Poe wrote some of the best, moodiest poems and short stories, and if he were alive today “The Horror of Sarah Palin” would surely inspire him.
Wicked good poem, Eddie Fireplace.
Frankly, I’m equally in awe of Eddie’s ability to hold his nose long enough to write a masterpiece with Palin as his muse.
Love your graphic, AKM, also, too.
One word…. W o W !!!
I loved it. I hope people can spread the story around on other blogs with links back to The Mudflats to give credit to Eddie. Eddie Fireplace Palin has really captured the ‘ spirit ‘ of the Paven here…..great job.
Someone with a very distinctive voice like James Earl Jones reciting this poem and adding some inflection and nuance into the words would make it even creepier.
AKM!!! …message for Shannyn !!! Would Shannyn be willing to read it on the air today during her Show??
Shannyn’s voice is so friendly and nice… so I’m not sure the ‘ creepy ‘ part would come out. Is Gryphen a fan of Poe..? ( a Guys voice)
Shatner…let’s get Shatner to recite it
Perfect!!! Thanks!
“try to unweld your jaw after a good watermelon Jolly Rancher” — got a good chuckle out of this and of course the poem also, too! Happy Halloween all…
Absolutely hilarious…thank you!
Opps…I forgot to mention. Happy Halloween to you all!
Wonderschoenbar!
I wonder if Sarah ever read Poe.
And don’t we all wish this Pavin would really quoth nevermore.
It gets even better upon a second reading. I would love to hear Shatner recite this.
Also, too…
Seeing as this is Halloween I am reminded of that Video that was traveling around the tubes earlier this year…. featuring the ” 3 Witches of AK”.
Can assume that once Shannyn gets off the air the 3 of you will gather together around the cauldron and concoct a Witches Brew.
I hope you havn’t used up your supply of ‘ Eye of Newt ‘-Gingritch.
What’s really scary is Palin’s boy Hoffman might really get elected, and already the RepoTaliban are strreaming to his support.
I just hope the voters resent an out of district candidate enough to not elect him.
22 honestyinGov Says:
But could Shannyn read the “Paven” and not get a fit of the giggles half way thrugh.
It could be a show stopper.
Just want to say that I love you guys!
xoxo
17 wild tortuga Says:
October 31st, 2009 at 12:38 PM
Completely brilliant-! Could be also, too, that the servant’s heart Sarah is so fond of is really “The Telltale Heart”- making her the murderer….
There’s your screen play. The Paven has no heart so the lub dup she hears must be someone elses. It grows fainter? Where? Who? The Paven must find the living beating heart while it lives and make it herown.
Creepy organ (organ?) music.
Tune in next week for……
The title of course would the the “Telling Tales Heart.”
I know I shouldn’t…but I can’t help but look at her mouth and think of gaping cow hole.
LOL, Irish! Now I can’t either!
How perfect for the witchy, ghostly, Pavenly holiday! Have a spooky but safe Halloween! Thanks for the chuckle after reading about the possible horror of the possibility of Hoffman getting elected! Yuck!!
AAARRRGGHHHHHH!! Also too…..Also too…..Also too……at this point, I’d prefer redrum, redrum, redrum!
Thanks – all the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up after reading that poem!
love (1000)
Priceless!
Thanks, that made my Halloween! Someone should forward this to Rick Perry.
Clever remake of Poe’s works and creative artwork that perfectly depicts Palin! Kudos to you both.
I had an old-maid great-aunt who was a Poe freak and she was always in demand to recite his works at all family gatherings. I don’t remember her ever opening a book, she had so many of them memorized. One of my all-time favorite scary movies is “The House of Usher”.
Seeing as it is Halloween, I think I’ll dig out my Poe and do a little scary reading for the occasion.
I might give my left breast to hear Shatner recite this one……what a Halloween treat indeed!
I must sleep. Hang on to your left breasts until tomorrow!
Brilliant!
@17 Sick of ONE Wasabilly – “SB” -
oooo, your verses scared me!
Fireplace Eddie’s made me alugh (thanks FPEddie!) but yours scared me… til I got the “what a bore…”
Whew
yup, the craven paven is a bore.
Happy Halloween! That was fantastic – made my night.
Great work Eddie! And AKM’s graphic is the perfect illustration
I confess that I thought the paven’s repeated word would be either “Mav-rick!” or “You betcha!” But “also too” works quite well.
Happy Halloween!
Nice collaboration AKM and Eddie..I hope she is flying towards, China. Better yet, towards Israel to meet with, Perry.
Oh, MOST excellent!!!
I always thought Sarah Palin was full of batsh*t. Now, I know why too, also
On behalf of honorable ravens everywhere, I’m pretty offended by this comparison.
HAHAHAHA, what a great piece…. Laughing too hard to comment more.
Corvus corax Says:
October 31st, 2009 at 9:12 PM
On behalf of honorable ravens everywhere, I’m pretty offended by this comparison.
__________________
feel bad for the Ravens to LOL (one of my favorite Birds )
Absolutely delightful and too, too funny!
Fantastic!
Also too, I love the graphic.
Bravo! Bravo!
@53 Corvus corax :
On behalf of honorable ravens everywhere, I’m pretty offended by this comparison.
—————————-
I was, as well, also too, until I realized the paven is a distinctly different creature than the raven.
Amongst other attributes two stand out- ravens are curious and able to problem solve…
The paven… well, ummm…
Thank-you AKM, for featuring my parody and adding your own great graphic. And thanks Mudflatters, for your many kind comments – glad I could provide you with a laugh.
Thank you! Thank you! Talent combined for a good laugh on
Halloween.
I love the “play” on words!
Excellent just excellent.i have read everything I could find of Poe’s i even did a paper about him for my English class in high school where I first became aware of his writings.
This wizard is now helping Christie in NJ. She is shameless. Read what this wizard has been up to lately. Talking NJ politics.
http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/1109/Palin_smacks_Daggett_twice.html#