Help! Mom! Conservatives are Ruining Books!
Wondering what to get that fringe right-wing conservative kid on your Christmas list this year? They’ve got all the realistic plastic guns. They’ve got the Corporate version of Monopoly. But I bet they don’t have THIS!
Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country! spoofs on leading Democrats, President and adoring media.
A new children’s book which is expected to be released later this month is sure to ruffle more than a few feathers on the left. Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country!, written by author Katharine DeBrecht, takes to task leading members of Congress, the President and a fawning media on wealth redistribution, czars and a skyrocketing national debt.
(Stroking chin) Now who was the first president to have a “Czar?” Oh, that’s right. It was that lefty Richard Nixon. And the first Drug Czar? That bastion of liberal thought Ronald Reagan. And skyrocketing national debt? OK, let’s look at the gross federal debt as a percentage of the GDP for the last 30 years…just for giggles.
Jimmy Carter (D) -3.2%
Ronald Reagan (R) +11.3%
Ronald Reagan (R) +9.2%
George H.W. Bush (R) +13.1%
Bill Clinton (D) -0.6%
Bill Clinton (D) -8.2%
George W. Bush (R) +6.9%
George W. Bush (R) +11.7%
I believe that’s what you call a “pattern.”
The sequel to the bestselling Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed! continues the story of two boys who open up a lemonade stand only to have the stand seized by the government. Determined to succeed, the boys open up a swingset business, but their plan goes awry when a cast of characters resembling the politicians du jour – including a sweaty and sputtering Congressman Fwank and a tiara-donning Speaker Queenosie – force the boys to sell swingsets to kids who cannot afford them.
Follow Tommy and Lou as they struggle to keep their swing set business afloat despite 246 czars, onerous regulations and sky-high taxes in these troubling times. Will Tommy and Lou finally decide to join the other kids on the corner in standing up for freedom or will they continue to fear being vilified by the press and demeaned by Marxus Obundus (“the One”)?
Wow. Just, wow. Hopefully we’ll learn in the next volume how all the swingset manufacture jobs get outsourced to child laborers working for pennies an hour in China, and Tommy and Lou make a bazillion dollars on our bad trade/tarriff policies and don’t have to pay taxes, and leave all the kids on the corner with their signs who haven’t figured out yet that they’re cheering for the end of government and the takeover by corporations.
DeBrecht says she wrote the book for several reasons. “When public schools no longer teach children about the founding of our nation and spend most of the time discussing the plight of polar bears or creating chants to idolize the President something is terribly wrong.” DeBrecht explains. “There should be something out there for parents to teach their children the values of hard work, individual responsibility, and freedom, and the importance of defending these when they are under attack.”
Why just today my kids confirmed that they spent most of their day, not doing math or language arts, but discussing polar bears and chanting O-Ba-Ma! O-Ba-Ma!
Adult and child humor throughout the text and colorful illustrations are a plus, adds DeBrecht. “It’s a fun and entertaining way for parents to sit down with their children and teach them the importance of standing up for liberty and the American Dream.” Humor is not only an effective teaching tool, according to DeBrecht, it can be a stress-reliever as well, she says. “Instead of screaming at the television, why not laugh a little?”
Or try screaming at a book instead. The website provides us with sample pages so that we may peruse them, and be swept away with how hilariously funny they are, and imagine how we might sit with our young children and really get into a family-style “teachable moment” with the little tykes.
Here, I’ll tell you what. Let’s do a little role playing. I’ll be the Mom, and you be the little kid and I’ll tuck you in for a nice bedtime story, while we read the sample pages together. (I plump your pillow and smooth down the sheets before I tuck you in) This’ll be great. OK, scoot over, so I can sit down. Ready? Here we go.
“But we can’t just give these [swingsets] away,” Lou told the radicals. “We have to sell them so we can pay the people who work for us.”
“Watercress sandwiches!” Senator Dudd thumbed through his thick address book.
“I know some very nice loan companies that will loan money to commoners to buy swingsets. They make some sweetheart deals, let me tell you,” he stroked the lapel of his expensive suit.
Tommy and Lou knew how long they saved and hard they worked for their swingset and did not feel right about selling swingsets to people who could not afford them. But, under the radicals’ new law, they were forced to do so anyway.
Wow. Kind of reminds you of the credit card companies that give out those cards to people who can’t pay them back so they can keep them in a downward spiral of interest payments. Or like the sub-prime mortgage fiasco where people were talked into buying homes they couldn’t afford. Yeah…all that deregulation and lack of oversight really got us into hot water. So what we need is more deregulation and less government oversight, right?
You look a little dizzy. Do you want another chapter? OK, just one more.
But then something strange happened. A very smart-looking radical appeared on TV. “Now is the time for hope and change.” Marxus Obundus looked left and right, back and forth. How amazing he was! People swooned, TV reporters fell in love, and drive-thrus were more pleasant! So many people came from miles to hear his voice, they decided to construct a temple in which for him to speak.
Ah! That would be the set on the stage when he delivered the speech at the convention in Denver. It had all those evil, hubristic, god-like Greek columns…you know, like the ones on all the buildings in Washington D.C.!
“I’ll never have to work again!” a citizen at the temple gleamed “He’ll pay for my gas, my …
You interrupt hesitantly. “Gleamed? Did she say “a citizen of the temple ‘gleamed?’” I double check. “Yes. Yes, she did.”
I continue:
“He’ll pay for my gas, my house and my cheeseburgers! I can sit and watch Dr. Phrill all day!”
“The tingle up my leg just confirms he is a savior!” a TV host proclaimed.
Columnists Kathleen Snarker and Peggy Nowsham girlishly dusted off their diaries, giggling with glee.
“Did she say ‘girlishly dusted off their diaries’” you ask?
“Yes, she did indeed,” I gleam.
“And Mom, what does the ‘tingle up his leg’ mean?”
“OK, bedtime for you young man/lady!” I quickly shut the book and turn out the light.
And so ends our little role playing exercise.
And if one of these achingly painful books is not enough for your l’il neocon, you might enjoy other titles by the same author:
Help! Mom! There are Liberals Under My Bed! - described as “a witty alternative to the usual liberal fare.”
Help! Mom! Hollywood’s in My Hamper! - in which you and your child can discuss and condemn “gay cowboy movies.”
And the one that started it all, Help! Mom! The Ninth Circuit Nabbed the Nativity! - “Young readers will love following along with the lively story while singing the ridiculous (but very politically correct) new lyrics for The First Noel.”
And if you needed any more convincing, here’s an endorsement from Grover Norquist!
“Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed” combines an ingenious story with hilarious illustrations to teach kide [sic] about the value of hard work and the threat that taxed [sic] pose to the American Dream.”- Grover Norquest [sic], president, Americans for Tax Reform
Sweet dreams.
Y’know that “blink. blink blink” sound effect from the cartoons?
For the moment….. dat’s all I got.
*Blink*
* Blink. Blink*
I’m waiting for the book this idjit’s kids will write:
Help! My Mom’s Ruining My Childhood With Her Insane Delusions and General Stupidity… And Bad Spelling.”
You are hilarious, AKM, but most of that was (sic).
that’s great — the illustrator didn’t even use his or her real name.
probably cribbed the faces from another artist and pasted them onto those nutty lollipop stick bodies.
great work, teabaggers!
I’m tempted to get these for my daughter’s 2nd grade teacher who fielded complaints that Alaska had a book about Obama on the Battle of the Books list. How dare that Sean Parnell allow such a thing to happen here of all places?
I heart AKM; you librul you!
Oh my…
Perfect for the teabagger with the maturity and reading level of a 7 year old.
Ruining “My” country? Wow….what makes them think that is “their” country?
America is more than country were narrow-minded bigot live?
Help! Mom! Idiots are trying to ruin our country.
Speaking of books, what’s with Frank Bailey’s book:
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2009/11/10/co_authors_end_book_deal_with_ex_palin_aide/
“Their country” is somewhere else…in a galaxy, long, long ago and far, far away…
I just hope they have enuff spaceships to find it
I personally don’t think this book was written for Kids.
Doesn’t it really sound like a project/idea is from the RNC or someone within the GOP.
And they are printing them up to give out to all of the GOP Senators and Congressmen as X-mas gifts. Ha… ha… so funny…GOP is just TOO funny. Because you KNOW Bachman, Boehner and their Wash. Friends will think this just screams humor. Just like that ” Barack the Magic ***** ” CD they put out with the RNC. ( And Hint : Colbert is STILL not a Conservative )
That’s enough humor for now ….. Bachman needs to get back to checking out those death panels, re-education camps and then go slit her wrists….. before she doesn’t fill out her census card……BUT it is the Liberals who are Funny.
Yu… betcha.
That’s just too weird for words. She can’t really intend this for children, can she? I guess it would be a good way to get them to go to sleep quickly. I don’t think it would hold much interest for most kids, of any age. Did she really sell enough of her other books to get a book deal for this proof of stupidity? Wow.
It’s hard to enjoy sweet dreams when the words
‘they decided to construct a temple in which for him to speak’
keep going around in my head, BUT I do thank you (I think) for the bedtime story image. These days it seems like any garbage can get into print and be touted as literature. Pity one can’t sue the publishers for allowing even one of these to surface. [Maybe SHE paid them to publish?]
Hilariously written post! The book…not so funny.
Help! Mom! The Radicals Are Us!
. . . and Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity worry about indoctrination . . .
Reading this book to a kid is child abuse.
I give children more credit than that. I don’t think many children would be interested in this kind of book. Its hilarious in ironic ways for adults (conservatives have never been very good at satire and irony because they are just too literal minded), but the books that grab children are what we consider classics, which you’ll find with a gold or silver foil seal on the cover. There’s a reason why some books are timeless and universal. Bad propaganda masquerading as children books belong in the garbage.
Its sad that conservatives are so threatened by education and intelligence that they have to now resort to badly written “childrens” books. Or maybe this book is actually aimed at the low-information voting adult to get them to read. I’ve been in plenty of Republican voting homes and a bookcase full of books is one thing you often won’t see.
> DeBrecht says she wrote the book for several reasons.
Yeah. And they are:
1. To.
2. Make.
3. Money.
4. Offa.
5. Winger.
6. Dupes.
This is so, so, so weird.
Actually the first “czar” was well before Nixon’s time in office.
The newly benign term evolved again during World War II, when Roosevelt expanded the government rapidly and appointed a host of brand-new federal overseers. The Washington Post reported in 1942 on the sudden rush of “executive orders creating new czars to control various aspects of our wartime economy,” and a cartoon from that year shows “czar of prices” Leon Henderson, “czar of production” Donald Nelson, and “czar of ships” Emory S. Land all cramming onto one throne.
In the postwar era, the rise of the “czar” has accompanied the expanding role of the executive office in promoting policy initiatives; the term tends to be used when presidents create special new posts for the individuals charged with pushing those initiatives through. Nixon succumbed to czarmania, appointing the first “drug czar,” Jerome Jaffe, in 1971 (long before William Bennett took the mantle in 1988). But it was the title of “energy czar” that got the most attention during those days of OPEC embargoes and gas rationing. Though John A. Love first held the title in 1973, his more powerful successor William E. Simon really got the “czar” ball rolling. Doonesbury cartoonist Garry Trudeau found the “czar” title fitting, depicting Simon imperiously asking for his “signet ring and hot wax.” Simon, for his part, enjoyed the sendup and took pleasure in colleagues calling him “your czarship.”
http://www.slate.com/id/2207055/
Yuck, Yuck and Double Yuck! Oh, the poor, poor children….
Thank you Family Guy, American Dad, The Daily Show, Southpark and the Colbert Report for giving me MY humor.
If I did have children they would be watching these shows by my side and finding out about all the crazy that they need to stay far, far away from.
Also too, I hope that if I did have kids they would look at a book like this and cry “bulls**t.
I feel sorry for all the little neo con children that are being indoctrinated into a world of fear and hate.
that has to be one of the top ten most disgusting books i have ever seen written. definitely a gag gift for extremely demented adults.
not to be confused with evil rabbit books (which are actually deliriously funny)
“So many people came from miles to hear his voice, they decided to construct a temple in which for him to speak.”
So many people thought this was a terrible sentence in which for her to communicate “ideas” that the book spontaneously combusted.
AKM, your bedtime stories are getting scarier.
Did they have a section about how lack of health insurance is killing 6 US Veterans every day?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/10/2266-veterans-died-in-200_n_353033.html
Any one who uses this as a gift better be careful who they gift it to. I see some ruptured friendships and family fights comming on in the holidays.
I have heard of such books written for children in “OTHER” countries, but America??????? WOW!! This book is at the bottom of the barrel.
The book was written for low information adults to get some ‘grasp’ of what the freepers want said when interviewed by the gotcha media at a Tea Party Party event. I will run on along now…
Thanks AKM for the work that you do so well.
Darn,
#12 honestyinGov at 4:14 PM, beats me to it.
These books are not written for children!
I bet they sell more of the children’s book then S.P. does of hers!
M. Paul
I have to agree with dowl above….I couldn’t have said it better.
Will this be the companion gift to the $4.95 version of “Going Rogue” this Christmas as a stocking stuffer?
I just looked at a Family Christian Book store ad that I got in the mail today. This is what the ad for Sarah Palin’s new book looks like: It has a picture of the book and then under it, it
says:
sale $19.97 reg. $25.00
you save $9.02
NEW Going Rouge
I kid you not, it says Going “Rouge” instead of Rogue!
It is so funny.
Subtitle: “Honey, I shrunk the kids’ brains.”
To balance the book here out, you must get this one as well (I got it for my daughter attending uni for her birthday. she loves it, especially the bit on the back that explains how to make face masks of your fav conservative):
http://www.bookfail.com/the-christian-conservative-coloring-book-kindle-edition/
Of course since it’s a coloring book it can’t really be on kindle (not sure why the disconnect), but look for it at a store near you! Great laughs!
dowl!!!! don’t be running along. stay around. i like to hear your voice.
about those books. well, what can one say about insanity except; this woman is insane and any fool who goes and plunks down good money for any idiotic republican author on any subject needs to be considered legally mad and incompetent to vote in the next election ( unless, of course, said republican author is nice and good takes care of his constituents like Rep. Cao who bucked his party the other night and voted in his districts’ best interests.
Funny you should mention Family Christian Bookstores…
Nov 2, 2009 Christian Bookstore Employee Arrested For Peeping
Joseph David Ramon Moreaux, 28, of Lancaster was arrested for allegedly setting up a recording device in the store’s bathroom.
An employee of Family Christian Book Store in Simi Valley was arrested Sunday afternoon for allegedly peeping on patrons with a recording device.
Joseph David Ramon Moreaux, 28, of Lancaster, was arrested, issued a citation and released after a shopper told the Simi Valley Police Department she had seen what she believed to be a recording device in the store’s restroom.
The store is located at 2986 Cochran Street.
Officers arrested Moreaux after finding a video recording device hidden in boxes in the corner of the restroom, which is used by both both male and female patrons.
Police say the recorder shows Moreaux hiding the device in the bathroom. He apparently had the recorder on as he was positioning it, police said.
~~
Be careful on tour, Sarah! Somebody might want some…footage…
lordy! that debrecht is a loon.
i’m terrified i may actually know folks who would buy this silly crap.
silly facts
CG Says: Be careful on tour, Sarah! Somebody might want some…footage…
————————————————————————
Are you saying they might get some footage of more than her…….Red Monkey’s? Perish the thought!
Kind of a Paris Hilton thing, I think. Might be good for her ratings. A flash of the Naughty Monkey…?
Where’s the chapter on this?
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/sickaroundtheworld/
This is a must watch if you want to understand how far behind the rest of the world we really have fallen.
Those old middle-aged guys with the paunches that think she’s so hot would get a “kick” out of it…. wouldn’t they?
Oh. My. Goodness.
And, evidently, there are customers for this dreck.
“DeBrecht says she wrote the book for several reasons. “When public schools no longer teach children about the founding of our nation and spend most of the time discussing the plight of polar bears or creating chants to idolize the President something is terribly wrong.” DeBrecht explains.
————————————–
“The public schools spend MOST of the time discussing polar bears etc…”…..Really??? MOST of the time, Katharine???
Tsk. Tsk.
Rank hyperbole is used most often in the weakest or most fallacious arguments to buttress that weakness or fallacy…….and usually used by the weakest of intellects.
Congratulations, Ms. DeBrecht ….your intellect appears to match your intended readership.
Oh Conservatives. Again with the BS.
I’m up late tonight and was treated to this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/10/fox-news-fact-checks-sara_n_353210.html
Sarah Palin: So Stupid and So Crazy Even Fox News Can’t Pretend She’s Credible. This time.
Ahhh me. That pretty much speaks for itself.
Of course the story comes to a very sad end when Obama’s ACORN storm troopers bust down the door and carts Tommy and Lou off to a FEMA reeducation camp. Of course their parents aren’t so lucky. They are hauled before the newly empowered ObamaCare Death Panels and deemed to be too costly to society, so they are ground into a meal which is mixed into the feed for Nancy Pelosi’s polo ponies. Tommy and Lou are brainwashed until they become ardent socialists who plot for new ways for the government to spend public money and raise taxes.
What is really pathetic about all of this is that anybody thinks that it is even remotely amusing. What is wrong with these people?
Makes you wonder, WWWFBJT?
(What would William F. Buckley Jr. think?)
BTW, the publishers are desecrating the flag on the cover of their own book– if they cared about honoring it, as conservatives like to have us believe, they wouldn’t stoop to that sort of cartooning, even to make a point.
AKM — I’m sorry, but I had NAFTA nightmares all night because of this…
Yes, vyccan, I, too, was perplexed by “in which for him to speak.” Perhaps the authoress of this tome is not a native speaker of our language. Sadly, and more likely, the authoress is a native speaker of our language who has had her natural idiolect corrupted by idiots who think Latinate rules imposed upon the language in the 18th C. are more correct than instinctual (gut, if you will) knowledge provided by the language itself.
But that’s contemporary conservatism at it’s core, right? The point is following rules, abiding by theology (regardless of whether there’s a theos or not). That the rules were just made up a few moments ago or that the rules don’t really apply is beside the point.
#31 Sher not only are they promoting the “other” book they’re sorely lacking in the math department. If a book is marked down to $19.97 from $25 how in the world are you saving $9.02? Apparently they have as great a command of simple math as winky does of grammar.
jc in co Says: If a book is marked down to $19.97 from $25 how in the world are you saving $9.02?
—————————————————————————-
Sorry, jc. My bad. It was late last night and I think I was punch drunk. It said, sale $19.97 reg.
$28.99. I can’t imagine anyone paying even $19.97 for it, though. Some of her rabid followers will, though, I’m sure.
I’d also strongly suggest you avoid Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater. If you know Beck you can see how he subversively inserts his political views in there to brainwash the little kiddies. I read parts of it for free using Google. It’s GOP propaganda in the form of a childrens book pushed as a charming, endearing Christmas story. It’s implied it’s based on Beck’s life.
Gag me.
If you want to teach your children the values The Christmas Sweater purports to teach, read them The Gift of the Magi instead. There are plenty of accessible copies out there with beautiful illustrations. It’s shorter too.
#50 Sher, I’m curious why anybody would pay more than $4.95, since I read it’s readily available at that price. Of course, winky’s little ploy is to make everyone buy the rag at full price from whatever venue she’s doing her book signing at or her rabid little fanbase can’t get her autograph. I don’t think she could pay me to read her book or waste one second of my time attending her book signing. In my opinion she is the most reviled woman in America, and with good reason.
And these are the same people who want to ban the Harry Potter series and other great children’s literature from libraries? Now I’m really scared
Are you kidding me? This book is hillarious!!! I’d buy it just for a conversation piece for my coffee table!
…Do these people REALIZE that the Founding Fathers were Liberal Radicals ??? OMG’d, otherwise, we’d be singing “God Save the Queen ” !!
And we wonder why there is a bullying problem in the schools?!
Here is your antidote:
http://littledemocrats.net/Democraticbooks.html
Note that these books have a more positive spin…they are about the values, rather than whining about the opposition.