Not Again!
4 12 2009Why? (thunk) Why? (thunk) Why? (thunk)
That was my head hitting the desk.
You know…. Alaska used to be pristine wilderness, the Last Frontier, North to the Future, land of opportunity, giant cabbages, panning for gold, dogs mushing, eagles soaring, salmon leaping, bears frolicking, and when people thought of Alaska they thought “I’d like to take a cruise there some day.”
Well, now forget it. First was the Exxon Valdez oil spill. Then the Corrupt Bastards Club. The Bridge to Nowhere. Ted Stevens. Killing wolves from helicopters. And the big one – Sarah Palin. We started traveling outside and instead of people asking “Is it true that it’s dark for half the year and then light for half the year?” they started saying, “Ahh. You’re from ‘Palin Country.’” It’s been a bitter pill.
And you’d think that would be the worst. “Palin country” is pretty twitch-inducing. But occasionally there will be news that will just kick us while we’re already down. Like the day the country was celebrating the incredible victory in the Kentucky Derby of the horse called “Mine That Bird.” It was a Cinderella story that normally would have me cheering and thinking of Black Beauty or Seattle Slew and celebrating the triumph of a magnificent underdog who stunned the world to win the day. >>>Screechy brake noise<<< And then I found out that this horse was owned in part by none other than Mark Allen, son of the King of the Corrupt Bastards himself, Bill Allen – former Veco CEO who bribed Alaska Legislators and is now in the clink. Mind That Jail Bird. Talk about a mood killer.
And now, the seediest most talked about ’scandal du jour,’ which is turning into the ’scandal de la semaine,’ and perhaps even a ’scandal du mois,’ has an Alaskan connection. (Those other two references mean ’scandal of the week’ and ’scandal of the month’ by the way. Every once in a while I have to gain back a few seconds from the years I spent in French class. See? It was all worth it.)
The scandal, of course, is Tiger Woods. The All-American clean-livin’ golf legend, husband and dad, beloved by the nation, turns out to be a philandering jackass. Sad? Yes. But what does this seedy tale have to do with our fine state? One of his gaggle of suspected mistresses is a woman named Rachel Uchitel from … wait for it … Anchorage, Alaska. She and high-powered celebrity attorney Gloria Allred were supposed to have a press conference today, presumably to discuss all the seediness out loud in front of the press. But then, at the last minute they suddenly cancelled. As we speculate what sort of thing (*cough cough bankdeposit cough cough*)might make her suddenly cancel her appearance, we can amuse ourselves with the fact that the press conference-calling mistress has been complaining bitterly about the press, stating that they are making life unbearable.
And how does the pair choose to butter up the waiting photographers and gossip columnists that they shun one minute and summon the next? Cookies! A big tray of cookies.
Despite what may seem to you a strange sense of familiarity, I want to assure you, gentle reader, that all Alaskan women are not media-manipulating money-seekers who lawyer up and think that a plate of cookies will solve everything.
(Looking at the sky) Oh, Gods of Scandal and Embarrassment! What have my people done to offend you?
December 4th, 2009 at 4:24 AM
Well that’s a bummer alright.
December 4th, 2009 at 4:47 AM
Don’t despair. This one is a sideshow. I doubt that many will associate her with AK. You have much more to be worried about with $P, the real world-wide embarrassment of money grubbing, pants-on-fire liar.
December 4th, 2009 at 4:53 AM
She’s probably hoping for a pop at Reality TV. ‘Survivor’ or The Amazing Race perhaps. I wouldn’t worry AKM, Tiger’s gal pals are crawling out of the woodwork all over the country it appears. This little gal is just one of a bunch.
December 4th, 2009 at 4:58 AM
The cookie gig was rather bizarre, I mean Gloria Allred schlepping a basket of cookies while earning how many hundreds of dollars an hour?
She should have hired Van Fleas to do the cookie gig & saved her client some serious money.
December 4th, 2009 at 5:09 AM
Oh good grief! We’re all going to Hell.
See, this is what happens (pay attention Sarah) when we build up our “heroes” to levels beyond what is possible for mere mortals to attain so when they crash, as they inevitably do, the crash is ginormous (as my kids say).
Wouldn’t the cookies be considered a ahem*bribe*ahem?
December 4th, 2009 at 5:10 AM
For every ‘rogue wolflette’ female..emerging from the brush in alaska, to feed..at the media dump..there are 200 Real Women in Alaska..building and sustaining their community , culture and family and friendship groups..drawing upon ..Real World knowledge and an understanding of what the value of being careing and nurturing..is Really..all about.
December 4th, 2009 at 5:14 AM
The key word is; celebrity attorney. She has money from what it sounds like. Alaska, was just a quiet spot to do business. Remember, some people still think that AK is a foreign country. The biggest association with AK is SP, she is the problem along with the corrupt Politicians; not Tiger Woods’s little piece on the side.
December 4th, 2009 at 6:23 AM
This is just totally not fair. I live in Illinois, and we have Blago and Burris. Slime. We never get anybody totally nuts because you are hogging all of them.
December 4th, 2009 at 6:29 AM
@8 jimzmum-
We could share.
We will send you some total nuts…
We can cram a few in flat rate boxes and have em on the way in a day or two.
What/Who is your preferred nut ?
December 4th, 2009 at 6:50 AM
Palin and Oil and Hussies, oh my!
December 4th, 2009 at 7:14 AM
#6 #juneaudream
Amen and Amen!!
December 4th, 2009 at 7:17 AM
I write romance novels. My latest one was meant to be located in Alaska, but according to my editor, Alaska is now “tainted” and the connection would hurt sales. I had to move it to the Yukon.
December 4th, 2009 at 7:23 AM
I don’t care about Tiger Woods – no matter what! Like “what’s his name,” the basketball star who wore NIKE on his chest, I think he had AIDS, it’s just the downside of marketing product.
Casting products aside and looking at what matters to me – we need to cut the Dems a new one (sorry don’t mean to offend). It’s time for a progressive third party movement in our country – a party that favors liberty over property. I’m sick and tired of being screwed by Democrats and Republicans alike.
December 4th, 2009 at 7:36 AM
Why isn’t the Press calling the women linked to Tiger, prostitutes? They all seem to work at Gentlemen Clubs (strippers).
December 4th, 2009 at 7:46 AM
I write romance novels. My latest one was meant to be located in Alaska, but according to my editor, Alaska is now “tainted” and the connection would hurt sales. I had to move it to the Yukon.
December 4th, 2009 at 7:53 AM
The Liberal/Hollywood Elite media have described Uchitel as a Manhattan “hostess”, so Alaska has been spared of any unwanted, seedy publicity.
As an Alaskan/Red State gal, she doesn’t appear to have been particularly abstinent, but at least she’s not pregnant out of wedlock!
December 4th, 2009 at 9:07 AM
The media builds up these celebrities and put them up on pedestals just so they can later tear them down. Woods certainly benefited from the hype, but never seemed to seek it out. Then the public is shocked when they turn out to be human. To the media, people and issues are just something for them to exploit.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:15 AM
JEEZ Long ago I thought the dark and extreme would have a natural discouraging effect on expansion of our resident population. Not so.
Maybe all these crazy escapades will do the trick! Don’t forget the Linehan story which played across the country on TV and may be starting up again. Alaska does seem to attract the crazies.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:16 AM
Extreme cold- I meant to say.
December 4th, 2009 at 10:07 AM
Yes. Far more important than Rick Warren’s role in Ugandian legislation that will make being gay a capitol crime, even if the Ugandan lives in the USA. Or the refusal by every Xian church to “interfere”.
I think staying on message is an exportable product. Why not prove that Alaskans cannot be distracted by the transparent ploys of the MSM? It could maybe catch on…
December 4th, 2009 at 10:10 AM
Obviously the poor girl needed to make that million bucks to pay for her makeup habit! Yuckie poo.
December 4th, 2009 at 10:26 AM
Don’t forget the open thread is active all day for o/t comments!
December 4th, 2009 at 10:38 AM
DId I miss something? I don’t see an open thread for today…
On topic: I love golf. I used to love watching Tiger Woods. I am really disappointed that he’s a scummy cheating jerk, so I’ll be rooting for everyone else from now on when watching golf. If he’d cheated with an intelligent woman with whom he shared some common values, I could maybe get over it, but have to agree with the commenter above who wondered if perhaps these girls weren’t far removed from prostitutes. If I were Elin I’d be mad as he** about the diseases this guy could have brought home to the marriage bed. What a jerk he is. He’s lost my support, and the great Nike jacket that he wore at the open that I scoured the internet to find — forget it, not going to buy it or anything else that he promotes.
Off topic: Colbert Report last night was so great. The Canadian bits resonate a bit more now that I’m living in Canada. The skeleton (luge?) bit was so funny that I was in tears. Janet Napolitano was awesome, a great sport. Our newspaper had a story yesterday about Colbert having Canadian heritage, and I wondered why it warranted a story (I don’t stay up to watch Colbert as often as I’d like), so it was particularly amusing to watch his ice-holes bit.
December 4th, 2009 at 10:41 AM
Sounds like Carrie, Rachel U., and Sarah are working on getting a proper Coven started!
December 4th, 2009 at 11:29 AM
Words of advice from Alaska for Tigger….
FORE!!!!!!
December 4th, 2009 at 12:31 PM
Nobody really cares where Tiger Woods mistresses hail from, it’s his image that is distressing everyone. Like he’s a politician or something…oooh wait…if he was then God would forgive him and the world wouldn’t make such a big stink about it. They can remain in office and spout off about it for years. Even run for President!
Sarah Palin is our ‘burden’ thanks to Alaskans as Stupak (and others) is mine in Michigan and now threatening healthcare for our country. Our states didn’t nip them in the bud and get rid of them. That is the biggest concern, how did these people get elected in the 1rst place and what can we do as Americans to change it.
Bottom line, we let it happen.
Celebracy affairs are none of my business, same as my neighbors.
Now, if it was a bowling icon I might take issue. Bahahahaha!
December 4th, 2009 at 1:15 PM
Alred is nothing but a witch chasing funeral cars to make money. These women who go after men are nothing more than whores who are look for a fast buck. Shame on them and also the man that cheats on his wife. I don’t have respect for guys like that but I have less respect for these hookers who are after them and only interested in making a buck.
December 4th, 2009 at 1:31 PM
Alred is nothing but a witch chasing funeral cars to make money. These women who go after men are nothing more than whores who are look for a fast buck. Shame on them and also the man that cheats on his wife. I don’t have respect for guys like that but I have less respect for these hookers who are after them and only interested in making a buck. These women don’t think ahead if they decide to get married and have children. Remember girls what goes around comes around.
December 4th, 2009 at 2:35 PM
Question: Why? no one I’ve spoken to nor did I catch on the news noticed this other woman came from Alaska. I’ve been scorned and don’t care if she came from Timbuktu. That is probably the only thing I have in common with Fergie (aside from a band yrs. ago). It’s nobody’s business. This has nothing to do with Alaska.
AKM you have bigger fish to fry – there is too much tabloid out there already. Stick to your savvy and leave the gossip alone. The truth will come out. Support, be truthful, keep advocating for your state and country XXXXOOOO
December 4th, 2009 at 6:50 PM
There’s a reason they’re called “COCKTAIL” waitress.
December 4th, 2009 at 7:29 PM
jimzmum Says:
December 4th, 2009 at 6:23 AM
“This is just totally not fair. I live in Illinois, and we have Blago and Burris. Slime. We never get anybody totally nuts because you are hogging all of them.”
Thank you! That’s hysterical.
December 4th, 2009 at 8:21 PM
I’m old enough to remember Gloria Allred as a radical lefty feminist (those are all compliments, BTW) attorney. Of course, I’m also old enough to remember the late Jerry Rubin before he became a stockbroker.
Life is change (how it differs from the rocks).
December 5th, 2009 at 8:13 AM
She makes a million to keep her mouth shut?
Tiger is a fool. All the other women are blabbing, so why shut this one up?
His wife is re-negiating her pre-nup.
That must hurt.
How long will any woman put up with a mans flagrant infidelities?
December 5th, 2009 at 3:03 PM
“The scandal, of course, is Tiger Woods. ”
ummmm …. no ….. the tabloid fodder of that day was Tiger Woods.
Having turned off the TV and avoided 99% of the internet to not hear another blessed word on Tiger, it is especially disheartening to find you wasting your talent for no purpose beyond jumping on the bandwagon.