The Mudflats

Now there are those of you out there who may have noticed that there are quite a few Alaskans complaining about those dang socialists out there in the Lower 48.  Socialism is a four letter word in these parts.  Yes, siree.

But this time of year, all those people hope you are looking the other way.  Why?  Because after a few moments of filling out a form and sending it in via mail or online, those Alaskans take their place in line to receive a big fat check… the Permanent Fund Dividend (PFD), Alaskans’ guilty pleasure.  The permanent fund dividend check ranges from several hundred to a couple thousand dollars depending on the year and what oil revenues are like. In addition to the PFD, when Sarah Palin was in office, she handed out a check for $1200 to every man, woman and child in the state as an energy rebate.  But those days are over.  Now we’re back to just the one check.  I know.  You may now play a tiny violin.

The fact that this whole arrangement – taking profits from the state’s resource development and dividing it up evenly among the state’s residents looks an awful lot like… (looking both ways and whispering)… “socialism,” seems to be conveniently overlooked by most people, including the ones that cry the loudest against socialism.

But in an attempt to be evenhanded, it should be pointed out that we do get our socialist checks in a very old-school conservative way.  You apply early, you get your check early.  You apply later, you get your check later.  You apply too late, and you are out of luck.  Period.  Too bad, so sad.  Early bird gets the worm, effort is rewarded; laziness not so much.  Hand holding?  I don’t think so.  Anyone who needs their hand held doesn’t deserve free money.  Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get it together.  Our socialism is tough, man.  No mercy.

But, wait…  This year will see some changes in the rule book.  First, more and more Alaskans are applying for their checks online, so the rather large paper booklet with lots of application forms included generally gets tossed in the trash.  So this year to curtail waste, the booklets are no more.  Now Alaskans will get a little 4-page pamphlet with only one adult and one child’s application and instructions telling them where to go to get more.  Presumably this inconvenience will drive more people to the online application.

And there are other changes.  This year everyone will get their PFD check on October 7.  It’s not like past years when early birds got the check first, and later, more disorganized folks had to wait.  This year, the playing field is level   - early birds and slackers alike will be rewarded at the same time.  No preference for the prepared.  You can apply on the first day, or you can be in a cold sweat, speeding to the airport post office at midnight on the deadline day.  You get your check on October 7th either way.  We are all special.

But wait, there’s more.  All that money we save from not printing and mailing the booklets?  Does it go back in the coffers?  No.  It will be used to take out advertising to remind everyone to apply for their free money.  You see, a lot of people forget to do that, and then they get their applications in late and complain when they don’t get their checks.  Yes, the residents of the great state of Alaska have to have their hands held at state expense to remember to get their free cash.

So, what is going on here?  Why are there no people in the streets with torches and pitchforks and tea bags demanding to know who put the socialism in their socialism?

I just don’t know what this world is coming to.