After the revelation on Mudflats Wednesday that the Palins had not reported the existence of multiple buildings on their land near Safari Lake in Petersville, Alaska to the tax assessor, the story has spread.

An excellent article by Rachel D’Oro of the Associated Press soon followed the Huffington Post piece, with reactions from the Palins’ lawyer Thomas Van Flein, and family spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton.  From there the story went viral, appearing in the Anchorage Daily News, The New York Times, the L.A. Times, The Guardian, CBS News, MSNBC and more.

How did the Palins take the news that the $0 value amount they’d allowed to stand on their tax assessment for at least three substantial buildings on the property had been discovered?

Enter Palin family attorney Thomas Van Flein:

“It is the borough’s job,” he said in an e-mail. “The property taxes on this parcel are fully paid and have never been delinquent.”

It’s someone else’s fault because, well…  it always is.

Enter Matanuska-Susitna tax assessor Dave Dunivan (who thought he was going to have a regular week):

Dunivan, however, said owners are required by state law to report any omissions or errors in their tax assessments.

Hmm.  So much for that strategy.

Let’s try again.  (clears throat)

Re-enter Thomas Van Flein:

Van Flein said work is still being done on the cabins, but both are usable. He said construction began on one of the cabins in 2006, but he didn’t know when construction started on the second one.

Ahhh.  The cabins may or may not be “finished” yet, implying that they may not be tax-worthy at this point?

And back to you, Mr. Dunivan:

The borough taxes structures even if the buildings are not finished. Dunivan said assessors determine a percentage of completion and levy tax based on that percentage.

Well, this isn’t going too well for Mr. Van Flein.  Time for the big guns.  Where is acid-tongued, blogger-flaying, keeper of the poison pen Meghan Stapleton?  Let ‘em have it, Meg:

“This is another blatant attempt to manufacture a story about the Palins following more defamatory swipes,” sayeth Stapleton.

I don’t think we’ve ever heard her quite so… graspingly incoherent.  It’s like someone took one of those old press releases from the governor’s office, snipped it up into little word fragments, put them in a jar, shook it and then pasted them on a piece of paper like a ransom note.

I’d like to try that.  Hold on. (shakes jar)

“We have yet again the desecration of the creating lies of malignancy to sully the name of the governor and her children.”

(shake shake shake)

“This attempt to mislead by false information will backlash those who use defamatory accusations and outright lies.”

(shake shake)

“Another example of shameful disrespecting of the governor from hating haters who seek to destroy her via Tax Panels.”

OK, this is way too fun.  Now you try.

I’m off to dive in to a breaking story about Todd Palin’s email account, which you can discuss on the open thread for now.

Alright, you’re going to need lots of equipment for this one. Looking glass? Check. Time Machine? Check. Protective forehead padding? Check.

First, you’ll need to watch this:

“There were numerous instances where she said things that were not accurate that ultimately the campaign had to deal with, and that opened the door to criticism that she was being untruthful and inaccurate.  And I think that that is something that continues to this day.”

After an ethics investigation of Palin when the Alaska Legislature issued a report, Schmidt says she mischaracterized that report.

“She went out and said, ‘This report completely exonorates me’ and in fact, it didn’t.  You know…it’s the equivalent of saying ‘down is up, and up is down.’  It was provably, demonstrably untrue.”

And Schmidt said it just kept happening.

And now, you’ll need to climb in the time machine, back to October 12, 2008. If your time machine is giving you problems, I’ll try to assist. Here’s a post I wrote on that day entitled: “Through the Looking Glass with Sarah Palin.”  I don’t often repost my own material, but this one was too good not to share.

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Through the Looking Glass With Sarah Palin

October 12, 2008 (Reprinted from mudflats.wordpress.com)

If there’s anyone else left out there who doesn’t believe that Sarah Palin can look you in the eye and tell you black is white, I have a present for you. Here is the transcript of a five minute conference call with Sarah Palin, Meg Stapleton, the Anchorage Daily News, and local TV stations KTVA, and KTUU. The journalists got one question each with no follow up.

I’ve been struggling to find the right terminology for this. She has jumped the shark. She has landed on Fantasy Island. She has slipped through the looking glass. She’s Queen of Denial. She has become the Head of Orwell’s Ministry of Truth… choose whichever metaphor works for you.

Here is the transcript of Palin’s interview by these journalists, after the Branchflower Report on the Troopergate investigation was released, stating that she had abused her power as governor. As a matter of fact, let’s review Finding Number One as it is written:

“For the reasons explained in section IV of the report, I find that Governor Sarah Palin abused her power by violating Alaska Statute 39.52.11(a) of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act.

“The legislature reaffirms that each public officer holds office as a public trust, and any effort to benefit a personal or financial interest through official action is a violation of that trust.”

The second thing we should review before joining Sarah Through the Looking Glass, is that the Legislative Council, made up of TEN Republicans and FOUR Democrats voted unanimously to begin the investigation, and unanimously to release the results of the investigation. Ten Republicans, four democrats. Remember that, because it comes up later.

Alright. So here is the transcript. The emphasis is mine, and used on those passages that defy reality, and/or leave me speechless.

Palin: Hey, thank you so, Meg. Thank you so much. Thank you also to our local reporters up there in Alaska. Even hearing your names make me feel like I’m right there with you at home. It’s good to get to speak with you. Let me talk a little bit about the Tasergate issue if you guys would let me and, Meg, you want me to just jump right on in there?

Stapleton: Sure governor, go ahead.

Palin: OK cool.

Well, I’m very very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing … any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that. Todd did what anyone would have done given this state trooper’s very, very troubling behavior and his dangerous threats against our family. Todd did what I think any Alaskan would do.

And he, Todd did what the state’s Department of Law Web site tells anyone to do if they have a concern about a state trooper. And that’s you go to the commissioner and you express your concern. And Todd did what our personal detail asked him to do. Bob Cockrell early on as I was elected and was asked are there any threats against ya, and Todd brought the concern as I did to Commissioner Monegan about the state trooper’s threats. He did what any – I think — any rational person would do so again, nothing to apologize there with Todd’s actions and again very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing.

(Stapleton invites the first question).

ADN: Governor, finding No.1 on the report was that you abused your power by violating state law. Do you think you did anything wrong at all in this Troopergate case?

Palin: Not at all and I’ll tell you, it, I think that you’re always going to ruffle feathers as you do what you believe is in the best interest of the people whom you are serving. In this case I knew that I had to have the right people in the right position at the right time in this cabinet to best serve Alaskans, and Walt Monegan was not the right person at the right time to meet the goals that we had set out in our administration. So no, not having done anything wrong, and again very much appreciating being cleared of any legal wrongdoing or unethical activity at all.

ADN: Have you read the whole report? (No response; Stapleton invites question from KTVA reporter).

KTVA-Channel 11: … The report that came out yesterday, do you think that the end result is partisan?

Palin: Yeah, I did think it did turn into a partisan circus to tell you the truth. Yes I did. You know from Day One it’s been the Personnel Board that clearly laid out in state statute there — Personnel Board deals with any issue of question regarding a governor, a lieutenant governor or an attorney general in the state of Alaska. What this legislative investigation — quote unquote — turned into was a political circus.

KTUU-Channel 2: Governor, so good to hear from you. Do you approve of the way that your campaign has handled themselves here in Alaska? We’ve had a lot of people voice concerns about what they call attacks of good people in our state while you are away.

Palin: Well I haven’t heard of any attacks on good people in Alaska from our campaign. If you have specifics there, maybe I could answer specifically. But no, in John McCain’s mission here, in taking the high road, as you’re going to see too with a lot of unfair shots he has taken in this campaign with some of his opponents’ supporters, McCain and I taking the high road, being positive. I wouldn’t support nor would I condone taking shots at any good Alaskans.

KTUU-Channel 2: Let me answer your question since you asked for specifics.

Palin: Sure.

KTUU-Channel 2: Walt Monegan was called “rogue.” How do you feel about that?

Palin: Rogue isn’t a negative term when you consider that in a cabinet you need a team effort going forward with a governor’s agenda. And our agenda has been to find efficiencies in every department and make sure that we are serving the people of Alaska to the best of our ability given the resources that we have. And remember I fought very hard to increase funding for state troopers so that we could fill positions there and goals not being met that included not being able to recruit and retain all the state troopers that I wanted to best serve Alaska. That could be characterized I think as a cabinet member who – it’s not a negative term I think — being rogue in terms of not meeting those goals.

Just for fun, let’s check out the definition of “rogue.” *clears throat*

Rogue. Adjective.

Vicious and solitary. Used of an animal, especially an elephant.
1. Large, destructive, and anomalous or unpredictable: a rogue wave; a rogue tornado.
2. Operating outside normal or desirable controls: “How could a single rogue trader bring down an otherwise profitable and well-regarded institution?”

He’s a vicious, solitary elephant who doesn’t meet his goals…in a GOOD way.

So let’s recap. The report states she has abused her power as governor, and she’s really glad she’s done nothing wrong. Todd did what any “Alaskan” would do. She thinks the mostly Republican legislative council has turned into a partisan circus, but she hasn’t heard anything about attacks on anyone in Alaska from her campaign. The McCain campaign is taking the high road and being positive. And being a rogue cop isn’t a bad thing. Any questions?

If you want to read Lisa Demer’s full account, and hear the interview in the Governor’s own voice: CLICK HERE. That way you can just, you know, hear her talkin’ to the people, and bein’ what she is, also, and gettin’ her statement out there and rufflin’ feathers so as to serve the people of Alaska there also.

This must be the sound it makes when a house of cards collapses.

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The only thing I failed to take into account back then was that it would apparently take one year and three months for the collapsing cards to actually hit the dirt, and get acknowledged by the McCain campaign as being “provably, demonstrably untrue.”   Gravity takes a while in Looking Glass world.

The thing that Steve Schmidt and others have failed to acknowledge so far is John McCain’s culpability in this near disaster.  Regardless of who supposedly vetted her, the buck stopped with him, and he chose a woman to be his potential Vice President – OUR potential Vice President – who is not only incompetent by his campaign’s own admission, but who does not tell the truth.  His decision was irresponsible, and absolutely reckless.  As much as we chuckle at Sarah Palin, his judgment put our country, and the rest of the world at risk in the name of his own political ambition.  History will not judge him kindly.

Dust off that virtual mantle Madame Ex-Governor, and make room for your 2009 Muddy Award!

In addition to Sarah Palin’s other awards this year, such as Lie of the Year from Politifact for the Death Panel claim, the Sitting Duck Award from the National Association of Newspaper Columnists, one of the NY Daily News’ “Worst Celebrity Parents”,  Stupidest Celebrity of the  Year from Stupid.com, and who knows how many others, she now has a shiny new Muddy – to put next to last years Muddy.

The win isn’t a big surprise, and the suggestion has been made that a Lifetime Achievement Muddy be awarded to Ms. Palin to give other up-and-coming ne’er-do-wells a shot at the big prize.  We’ll give her one more year to go for the hat trick, before we consider the Lifetime Award.

SPEECH! SPEECH!

What am I saying?!    NEXT!

The race for the silver was very exciting.  For a while it was neck and neck, but a last minute Iron Doglike surge of power put Todd Palin on the podium in the coveted number two spot, next to his partner in self-reported marital bliss.

And number three, making a darn good showing is Anchorage Mayor Dan Sullivan.  Yes Mudflats readers from around the globe recognize that this “small town mayor” from Alaska is so reprehensible that he deserves an award too.  A very respectable finish in a national race. (golf clap)

Our top ten continue as follows:

4 – Palin mouthpiece Meg Stapleton

5 – Defeated Attorney General nominee Wayne Anthony Ross

6 – Palin family attorney Thomas Van Flein

7 – Going Rogue publisher Harper Collins

8 – Chevron

9 – Anchorage Representative Mike Doogan

10 – Congressman for All Alaska Don Young

Good choices all.

And now I’d like to announce a “very special Muddy.”  You have spoken and I have heard you.  I have heard you via comments on the blog, irritated emails, Facebook messages and Tweets.  I have heard you on the phone and on the street.  I have heard you in my dreams.  What were you saying?  You were grabbing me by the shirt, and saying that Jerry Prevo needs a Muddy.  So, by the power vested in me by… me, I hereby proclaim a special Muddy to be awarded to the Pinnacle of Intolerance, the King of Homophobia, the Great and Powerful Overlord of the Red Shirt Brigade – Pastor Jerry Prevo.  Now, please let go of my shirt.

(and a huge uproarious thunder of applause goes up from The Mudflats.  I am redeemed!)

And then there’s AM radio conservative radio shock jock Eddie Burke…  He probably deserves one too, but after having had his toxic radio show whacked by an hour a day, it seems as though Karma and free-market capitalism have already given him some of his just desserts this year.

And who came out smelling like a rose among these dastardly thorns?

Why, it’s Levi Johnston!

With a mere 35 votes out of almost 4000 cast, Levi soared above the crowd. I have to confess that I suspected Levi would fare well, but wanted to test my theory.  The force is strong with him, and its settled.  We officially heart Levi.  So go forth, young man.  Do your interviews, earn your money, take your clothes off, send your kid to college, and write that book!  Your country needs you.

And keep Tank close by.

It’s that time again Mudflatters and Mudpups!  As 2009 draws to a close, we reflect back on the year that was. We Alaskans expected to slip back into obscurity once our governor and ex-VP candidate decided to come home, learn a little something about politics and international affairs and keep her nose to the grindstone. While the year did not live up to these modest predictions, it did provide a never ending source of amazement and amuseument, and more than a little skullduggery.

The world of Alaska politics may be many things, but it is never boring. And so you are invited one and all, readers foreign and domestic, Outsiders or Alaskans, Cheechakos or Sourdoughs, to vote for those outstanding despicable and notorious characters that made 2009 the year it was.

In 2008, the top spot went to Sarah Palin of course, with a host of dastardly runners-up including:

#2 – Todd Palin
#3 – Meghan Stapleton
#4 – Talis Colberg
#5 – Ted Stevens

How can we top last year? I’ll tell you how. Get ready for this year’s nominees:

Sarah Palin – She’s a rogue, wrapped in a renegade wrapped in a whack job. The ex-almost-one-term governor stood on the shores of Lake Lucille on 4th of July Eve before God, media and waterfowl… and quit. She didn’t quit because she hated her job or because she stood to rake in a fortune from her lucrative book deal, but rather she decided to lead in another direction, because she loved us and the state of Alaska. Her governorship died on the cross, of a thousand ankle bites… and a few million in the bank. Raised on the shoulders of thousands of cheering Teabaggers, she stands poised to go for the golden crown in 2012. The thought of this has half of Democrats cheering in the streets, salivating over a Palin v. Obama showdown. The other half is sitting in the corner clutching their knees and rocking back and forth in a cold sweat.

Todd Palin – The Shadow ex-almost-one-term governor; the Arctic Cat; the banner of bloggers, the keeper of emails. Todd continues to be “the silent Palin” hiding who knows what secrets behind the oft-mentioned “icy blue eyes.” It’s always the quiet ones… In addition to his many accomplishments, including building a house with buddies, and winning the Iron Dog Snow Machine race with undetermined and undisclosed amounts of equipment and paraphernalia from his sponsor, Todd can now add “held in contempt of the Senate” to his list of credentials. Subpoena….pfft.

Meghan Stapleton (aka Magnum Staplegun, Meg the Mouth, and Meg Stapletongue)- This is her second nomination. Former beloved Channel 2 news anchor, Stapleton was mysteriously spirited away in the night, drained of her life essence, and had all of her bodily fluids replaced with a proprietary blend of glacier water, snake venom and the blood of the innocent. OK, well what explanation do YOU have? Spokeswoman for the Palin family, SarahPAC and the Alsaka Fund Trust (the “illegal” defense fund), Stapleton is the official hacker offer of other people’s knees. She’s been seen a lot less lately, fueling speculation that her evil overlords have squeezed all the venom out of her, leaving her used-up withered husk on the pile of other used-up withered husks on the Palin’s political compost pile.

Mike Doogan – Also nominated last year for being a rude pompous blow-hard, he makes the list yet again. After being called out on his bad behavior (calling constituents a “bunch of electrons” and anti-Palin “co-religionists” who sent him “spam”) with a Muddy nomination in 2008, and only coming in 10th (sharing the honor with Fred Dyson), he decided to go for the gusto in 2009. Continuing to use his favorite weapon of choice, the nasty email, Doogan sent a proclamation that he was going to “out” a certain heretofore anonymous blogger (cough cough Mudflats cough cough). After an obsessive five month quest, he announced he’d be posting said blogger’s identity in his legislative newsletter, utilizing state resources, bandwidth and email list. And he did. An immediate firestorm followed, burying him in thousands of emails that put his own to shame and subjecting him to a smack down from his fellow legislators in Juneau. Rumor has it that the ire of another blogger (cough Shannyn Moore cough cough) who happened to be in Juneau at the time resulted in Doogan fleeing down the halls of the capitol building and locking himself in the bathroom to escape the tongue lashing. One of only three known politicos to get his image reproduced on tiny paper flags that appeared in piles of frozen dog poo in the state’s capital (see photo), he now is forever known on both sides of the aisle as “Doo Doo Doogan.”

Wayne Anthony Ross – The attorney who has to be reminded that there are amendments to the constitution that aren’t #2, Wayne Anthony Ross went down in history this year. The only head of a state agency ever to be rejected by the legislature, Wayne Anthony Ross’ dreams of becoming Alaska’s Attorney General went down in flames. Big giant flames. With lots of black smoke. And a big kaboom at the end. Comments like, “If you can’t rape your wife, who can you rape?” left Alaskans slack-jawed. Then there was the famous comparison of gays to lima beans. Just because he thinks they’re “degenerates” doesn’t mean he can’t be fair. After all, no matter how much he hates lima beans, he still must represent The United Vegetable Growers. And who could forget his salacious comments about how “provocative” the governor looked in her Arctic Cat “leathers” during his questioning by the legislature. He alienated Native Alaskans with his anti-subsistance views. And he told the State Senate not to argue about “legal vs. illegal” but just appoint someone to represent the vacant seat in Juneau already. Did I mention there were lots of flames? You may still spot him driving around town in his red Hummer with the license plate WAR. Subtle as a jackhammer.

Mayor Dan "the Hands" Sullivan

Mayor Dan Sullivan – The fiscal conservative who cuts library funds, cops, firefighters, and the arts to the bone, but loves the idea of a gazillion dollar bridge across Cook Inlet has landed himself in the mayor’s chair. An unnatural obsession with Senator Mark Begich, Sullivan prefers the role of “whiner” to that of “leader.” With a dodgy reputation for “likin’ the ladies,” many on the left hope he grows into the nickname “one-term worm.” His crowning achievement in 2009, was to veto the ordinance passed by the Anchorage Assembly which would have added the words “sexual orientation” to the city’s non-discrimination policy for employment, housing, education and accomodations. After dozens of hours of testimony, and after the Assembly came to a thoughtful and correct conclusion, he smiled and sank it like a stone. He’s just a swell guy all around. Did I mention he’s married?

Bill Allen – Former CEO of Veco Corp., briber extraordinaire, and snitcher extra-extraordinaire, 2009 saw, finally, the conviction of the king of the “Corrupt Bastards Club.” Allen got immunity for members of his family, in exchange for a guilty plea, and for dishing the dirt. One of those who snaked out of an indictment was his dislikable, surly offspring Mark Allen, part owner of Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird. In addition to his other charming qualities, Mr. Allen also has a penchant for substance abusing under aged girls. Once the best bud of former SenatorTed Stevens, he sat in the courtroom while his lawyer explained to the judge how poor Bill was just a sitting duck for those awful legislators who were laying in wait ready to take advantage of his natural generosity and bigness of heart. Just like those under-aged drug addicted girls. Poor Bill. You almost had to feel sorry for the guy. Not. The judge wasn’t buying it and Allen was sentenced to 36 months in the Grey Bar Hotel.

Don Young – We wait, and we wait, and we wait. Always the bridesmaid and never the bride… The scandals hang on Alaska’s one and only congressman Don Young like a swarm of flies on one of those African water buffalos, but none of them have landed yet. Spending almost $2 million in legal fees, for what he will not say, Yon Dung has thrown his hat in the ring for a 20th term in congress. Stripped of his committee chairs, and with the corruption sword of Damocles hanging over his head, he is undeterred. He lives on to fight his political adversaries, and a few endangered species just for laughs. Challenged by fellow Republican Andrew Halcro, and Democratic House Representative Harry Crawford, 2010 may be the year when this old goat takes a tumble. Maybe Bill Allen needs a cellmate.

Levi Johnston – Divisive, controversial and always entertaining, the baby Daddy of Sarah Palin’s grandchild has never strayed far from the limelight. In several interviews and frequent appearances on TV, Levi tells his story about how Sarah Palin is not who she claims to be. He has introduced us to the wedding show watchin’, Crunch Wrap Supreme eatin’, shirker of motherly duties. The Emperor has no clothes. And neither does Levi. His photo shoot for Playgirl Magazine made everyone say, “Playgirl is still a magazine?” Corroborating the rumors of a rocky marriage, a dysfunctional household, and a woman bent on crushing her enemies, it seems like people can’t get enough of Levi. He and his sidekick Tank Jones have become the unlikely dynamic duo of Hollywood, and the pistachio nut. Media whore capitalizing on a lack of “protection” and deserving of a Muddy? Or a simple young truth-teller who is earning money to support his infant son while saving the world from the “real Palin?” You decide.

Harper Collins Publishers – There’s no doubt that Rupert Murdoch’s Harper Collins had a good year. Publishers of Palin’s epic work of Fiction “Going Rogue,” they have made a pretty penny. But have they rued the day? Caught up in the drama of Palin’s “bus tour,” they tried to do damage control when it was revealed that the tour was really more of a “luxury private jet” tour in which “girl pops out of bus” at the right moment. Palin’s scheduled appearances on military bases hocking the book, accompanied by inappropriate outbursts about the commander in chief by her dad raised eyebrowns and ire, and created a firestorm of controversy. And then there was that part about editing and publishing a book full of easily fact-checked lies. I mean, if you’re concerned about that sort of thing.

Chevron – The first corporate Muddy nominee. Chevron whistled past the volcano while Mt. Redoubt decided to blow its stack for the first time in 20 years, sending tons of hot debris plummeting down its flanks and putting at risk a tank farm holding almost 2 million gallons of oil, and threatening to deposit it in the waters of Cook Inlet. Yes, they got their employees out, but played an agonizing waiting game before they would do the unthinkable… remove the oil. Much better to risk the lucrative fisheries, the coastal ecosystem and the 300 remaining endangered beluga whales in the inlet than to (gasp) slow down the flow of money. With no seeming concern for anything but the almighty dollar, the Drift River debacle spotlighted the fact that we are just as unprepared for an oil spill in Cook Inlet as we were for one in Prince William Sound before the Exxon Valdez. We escaped a disaster only by the skin of our teeth, the luck of the draw, the whim of mother nature, and a flimsy little retaining wall.

Sean Parnell – And rounding out this dirty dozen is our new governor - “SP 2.0″ as he is known. Caribou Ken. And while we all concede that NObody could be as bad as “SP 1.0″ the new version still leaves a lot to be desired. We waited and we watched, hoping for the best, but reality struck last month when the President of the United States made his first ever visit to the State of Alaska, and Sean Parnell was not there to greet him. It was just impossible…. after all he was two whole miles away! And that luncheon address to a group of general contractors had been scheduled for weeks. Former Conoco-Phillips man, and oil lobbyist, Parnell has enlisted to fight the war on whales, endorsing a whole bunch of further study with the intent to prove that just because there are hardly any Cook Inlet belugas left, that doesn’t mean they’re endangered. His administration’s fight to keep thousands Sarah Palin’s “off the grid” Yahoo emails out of reach of public records requests makes us wonder how different this new governor really is.

Thomas Van Flein – OK, let’s make it a dirty baker’s dozen. While it could be argued that the Palins’ attorney is simply an extension of the Palins themselves, he chooses to remain. Allowing himself to play the strong arm thug of the Palin family, he has threatened not one, but TWO count ‘em TWO bloggers with legal action, whereupon everyone thought, “Yes! Please do it! We’d love to see someone depose Sarah Palin!” It’s what they call in poker, a really lame bluff. Mr. Van Flein was also the unknowing guest at a blogger luncheon, proving the point that if you are going to auction off lunch with yourself as a prize, and your only claim to fame is being Sarah Palin’s attorney, it might behoove you to check who you’re having lunch with. But that’s OK. The lunch was not for naught. We learn that he thinks women who marry younger men are “cougars.” Now, not only has he written up bills for more than a half million dollars in legal expenses to save the Palins from themselves, he is now representing Bristol Palin in her custody fight. It’s a sweet life.

I know it’s going to be a tough call. But you’ve got THREE choices, and all the time you need… until the end of the day on January 1. The Muddies will be announced after that.

Best of luck to all our nominees. Remember, even if you don’t win, just being nominated is a disgrace.

[THE PREVIOUS POLL WAS ONLY ALLOWING ONE VOTE....WHICH MAKES VOTING ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE, SO I HAVE HAD TO WIPE THE FIRST 103 VOTERS. PLEASE VOTE AGAIN, AND ENJOY THE TWO ADDED VOTES!]

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*Please note there are many “Honorable Mentions” that are not mentioned here. Frankly, if I got everyone in Alaska who deserved one of these it would be a veeeery long list! So feel free to add your honorable mentions below. A few that come to mind are Eddie Burke, The Alaska Standard, Jason Cline, Debbie Ossiander, the AK Tea Bag Party-ers, Jerry Prevo, The “Red Shirt Brigade,” the Alaska Personnel Board, Debbie Ossiander, and oh so many more…

Palin Throws Bus Under the Bus

In a display of almost poetic metaphorical beauty, Sarah Palin has now thrown the bus…under the bus.  That’s right, she’s now given up (at least in part) the Rogue on Wheels; the bus of the people; the Palin Express, in favor of winging around the country on a $4000/hr. Gulf Stream private jet.  But don’t fear… she and the whole fan-damily will still pop out of the bus for bookstore appearances.  Noted author Joe McGinniss who is working on a Palin book tentatively titled “Sarah Palin’s Year of Living Dangerously” is due out in 2011, had this to say:

There is, of course, nothing the least bit inappropriate about flying from place to place on a book tour. Back in the day when publishers still sent non-celebrity authors out in public, I flew on all of mine. It’s the only sensible approach. And if someone will spring for an executive jet, all the better. On the other hand, nobody tried to pretend I was riding a bus.

What’s wrong in this instance is the apparent fakery created and sustained for the sake of building pseudo-populist appeal—and selling books. Sarah Palin and HarperCollins have consciously tried to give the impression that she is doing her book tour by bus when the evidence suggests she is not. At every stop, she’s been filmed getting off Big Blue looking rested and radiant. She dazzles onlookers and interviewers with her seemingly bottomless reserves of energy. And no one suspects she may secretly be hopping on and off her main means of transport, UJT750, and resting up in hotels.

And more on the jet phenom from one of those pesky bloggers HERE. Harper Collins confirms use of the plane HERE.

Sarah Palin Throws Chief John Wooden Legs Under the Bus, also.

When I read “Going Rogue” I remember reading the quote at the beginning of Chapter 3.  Some of you, like me, may have wondered why UCLA basketball coach John Wooden was quoted with the following:

Our land is everything to us… I will tell you one of the things we remember on our land. We remember our grandfathers paid for it–with their lives.

Ohhhkay.

Well, here’s the answer from Geoffrey Dunn whose book “The Lies of Sarah Palin” is due out in the spring.  It wasn’t John Wooden.

It was written by a Native American activist named John Wooden Legs in an essay entitled “Back on the War Ponies,” which appeared in a left-wing anthology, We Are the People: Voices from the Other Side of American History, edited by Nathaniel May, Clint Willis, and James W. Loewen.

Doh!

Obviously this one slipped by Sister Sarah and her crack team of investigative journalists Lynn Vincent, Meg Stapleton and Ivy Frye, as well as all those dutiful fact checkers at HarperCollins. Obviously, they didn’t get the quote from anything Wooden ever wrote, but from a cute little web site called The Quote Garden. Isn’t that sweet?

(Cracks knuckles and rubs palms together briskly)

We are about to knock off the last agonizing chapter of the hardcover $19.97 bologna sandwich that some rogue calls a book.

Ready?  Let’s go.

Page 383
The drive to Fairbanks for the abdication ceremony was “magical”. The motor home was “filled with coffee.” A bunch of local reporters came to say goodbye and they were worried that once she was gone they’d be out of a job. Yes, the Palin administration was “good for business.” All that lyin’ and tabloidization and lurkin’ in driveways really pays off for the liberal media. But really, you know, as a free-market fiscal conservative it was the nicest compliment anyone could have given her.

The speech -
North to the Future! Good bye governor’s office and hello to new and wonderful ways to help the state of Alaska by quitting!

Page 384
They took off from Fairbanks and stopped to make a campfire and roast marshmallows for s’mores, and eat hot dogs.

She keeps getting asked “What does Sarah Palin stand for?” (Other than lying, blaming, air-kissing hand mirrors and quitting?) She was shaped by The Last Frontier. More shout outs to Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher.

She’s a Republican because they have the strongest “planks.”  Todd is “not registered with any political  party for sound reasons.” (Yes, like if your wife is running for office, it’s probably a good idea to drop your 7-year membership with the secessionist party) She’s a Commonsense Conservative.

Page 385
Conservatism is a respect for moral principles. But she doesn’t think she’s more moral than anyone else. Another great quote! “Conservatives who act “holier than thou” turn my stomach.” But she’s fair because the stomach turning also applies to “elite liberals.” I guess elite conservatives like the previously name-dropped Alan Greenspan, Dick Cheney, John McCain, Jeb Bush, Fred Malek and crew make the cut. Good thing. It would be embarrassing to have your stomach turning at a swanky dinner party.

She’s a conservative because she believes among other things in the “inherent dignity of the individual.” (Unless the individual is an elite liberal, or someone disagreeing with her social philosophy)

Mini book report on Thomas Sowell’s Conflict of Visions. The problem with liberals is they believe people can become better, and we can fix things. Conservatives understand that people suck and are marinated in sin and that government can’t actually fix anything.

Page 386
The economy is bad but it will get better. Strained metaphor about Alaskan wildfires creating new growth potential. We used to have horses and buggies, now we have cars. We used to have LPs and 8-track tapes and now we have iPods.

It’s easy to promise free health care, but how will we pay for it? (Guess there are no questions asked about how we pay for war, just health)

Page 387
What happened to the Republican Party? They deserve the criticism because they’ve gotten off track. And now look what’s happened. Things are Democrat-controlled. And evil Hollis French does bad things in the legislature, like support reproductive rights.

You can’t claim to be a fiscal conservative and then increase spending (Like EVERY Republican president in the last 30 years?)

Page 388
Many people just stopped questioning government growth….until now. Because THIS administration is unprecedented in growth. (I thought it was Bush that added the entire Homeland Security bureaucracy. And spent us in to oblivion, more than any other administration EVER.)

Page 389
We spend too much money.

Page 390
Government programs encourage dependency. Tough love. Rewarding companies that are “too big to fail.” Shout out to Uncle Kurt’s ‘Bruce’s Muldoon Chevron.’ (I wonder if he’d sign my book?)

Cape & Trade should be called “Cap & Tax.” Taxes bad. You’re going to be taxed into oblivion.

Page 391
We should all be like Reagan. We need to cut taxes. You’re going to get taxed into oblivion. Reagan got us out of a recession. Reagan was brave.

Page 392
Reagan’s tax cuts worked.

The key to growing an economy is to drill for oil and gas because “God created them right underfoot beneath the American soil and under our waters.” (Yes, kids… God gave us oil. And why would he have given us oil if he didn’t want us to drill, baby drill? It’s like a big fossil fuel sacrament – Resource Creationism! Shiny black stuff made from 6,000 year old plants.  But no mention of why God made the vast majority of the blessed oil underneath Arab countries’ soil.)

It’s silly to think that we’d take any chances with the environment. We raise our kids here, so why would we mess it up, silly? (Thinking Exxon Valdez…)

Page 393
“Taken together, Alaska’s energy reserves coupled with future discoveries on our continent could yield domestic energy supplies to cover American’s needs for decades.” ( And if I take my paycheck, and add to that my lottery winnings from the future, I’m a zillionaire!)

And about war… Yes, you American’s may be “war weary” but suck it up. We need to keep our homeland safe and we have to win over there to be safe over here. We need to be able to say, “We won. You lost.” Just like Reagan.

Page 394
But there is more to guaranteeing peace and freedom than by being at war… We can help others like Israel. (Don’t think of it as giving other nations gobs of money, think of it as a Rapture accelerant) We must remain a Shining City on a Hill. She respects Obama’s leadership in reaching out to other nations… (??? Re-reading that several times just to be sure) BUT, (and you knew there had to be one) we shouldn’t “project weakness.”

If we just stay in our own country and mind our own business, the world will be more dangerous and violent. “We don’t go looking for fights, but we’re ready to face them if necessary.” (Iraq anyone?)

Page 395
We must move forward, and we should not repeat the mistakes of the past. And we move forward by looking to the past. We look to the (failed) policies of Ronald Reagan and that will fix all our problems.

A call to all Americans to … throw tea parties! (AAAAAARGH!) Go to Town Hall meetings. Vote in every single election on every single issue.

“Stand Now. Stand Together. Stand for what is right.”

(And bang your head on the desk until the pain goes away.)

EPILOGUE (aka “What I put in there to replace all that stuff I took out about Levi when he threatened to squeal)

Page 397
She is writing the book from a small apartment in California.

Piper is trying to comb her hair but it is not working. “Yeah, and it was picture day on Wednesday and Bristol wouldn’t fix my hair and I had to go to school soaking wet and I couldn’t even find a comb!” Piper says. (Hey, everyone under the bus!  Scoot over,  Bristol’s coming. Guess she’ll have to add hairdresser to her list of things to do, right after working two jobs, taking college classes, and being a single mom raising a baby at the age of 18.)

Page 398
Piper decides to wear one of Todd’s baseball caps. She interrupts her mother by yelling for her sisters to lend her some money. “I’m broke! I had to pay for Mom’s mocha again when we were down in California, and now I don’t have any quarters!” (First, Piper is 8. Second, is this bizarre little epilogue supposed to be flattering to anyone?)

Getting ready to go to the Fair. Piper barking “commands,” boys in matching jackets, Piper licking her palm and slicking Trig’s hair… (Zzzzzzzz……)

Todd says she better get home because Trig is about to walk. Trig slept through the night. Piper finds change in the laundry room. (This deceivingly tiny little Epilogue is NEVER going to END!)

Page 399
She takes a run. The sun is shining. She runs slowly. Then she had to slow down to a walk. She was happy to be in a city where nobody recognized her. (Californians were all sleeping last fall?) She thought about Track. She kept walking. She thought about Trig, and the last year and the politics. “Oh, the politics.”

Then she stopped walking. Then she sat down on the grass and prayed. “God, thank You. Thank You for Your faithfulness … always seeing us through… I don’t know if this chapter is ending (4 pages left. Thank you, God!) or just beginning, but You do, so I hand it all over to You again. Thanks for letting me do that.” More praying.

Page 400
It was surreal to go from the “trappings of power” to sitting at a kitchen table with Meg Stapleton. Quitting was liberating. She used Facebook to “call things like she saw them” and it made an impact. And just think, Facebook was created by the private sector in a dorm room at … wait for it … Harvard! (The irony of this apparently does not strike her) And this young liberal Harvard elite didn’t need a government grant to invent Facebook. She loves the Facebook.

Republicans got trounced in the last election, but she is not discouraged. If Ronald Reagan could spring from the ashes in 1976, so can we!

Page 401
The grass smelled good. What was the matter with Californians? Why weren’t they all outside running? She retied her shoelaces. She got up. Her knees creaked. She started running again, but this time she felt better because she was thinking about nice things, like thankfulness for our country. She felt hopeful and free and thankful!

But not THAT hopeful and free and thankful, though. Our country is headed in the wrong direction. She feels that Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder may become discouraged and not want to participate in the system. Both parties need to clean up their act.

Page 402
We need to make America welcoming for those that “some may not consider ‘perfect.’” Citizens are rising up and asking the government to trusht them. The government is supposed to work for us, we’re not supposed to work for the government. (I thought in a Democracy, we were the government.) People want to “throw the bums out of Washington,” both Democrats and Republicans.

Page 403
She thinks back on Michigan where she first “went rogue.” Now, she didn’t want to stop running!

She’s going to head back to Alaska and sit at the kitchen table. God doesn’t drive parked cars. She’ll gear up for hard work and new goals. She’s going to bake a cake, and show Piper where Michigan is on a map.

Page 405-408
Some guy I’m supposed to have heard of wrote an email about Palin saying she’s great. So, here it is, and Palin says “I hope you get a good laugh, as well!” (Oh, good! Humor! I need a good laugh about now.)

She did good things, including beating Frank Murkowski, single-handedly exterminating the Corrupt Bastards Club. (And here we thought it was the FBI), firing the chef, and dismissing her security detail in her last trimester of pregnancy because she was packing heat. She thought about a gas line in a new way (where IS that thing?), and she wants Alaska to be on 50% renewable energy by 2020.

She wanted to go back and work for Alaska but “the haters wouldn’t let her.” “Now, these adolescent screechers are obviously not scuba divers. And no one ever told them what happens when you continually jab and pester a barracuda. Without warning, it will spin around and tear your face off.”

(Yeah, that was hilarious! [dabbing my eyes] That part about tearing your face off? What a riot.)

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

“I’m very glad this writing exercise is over.” (Me too!) “I love to write, but not about myself.” (OK, now THAT’s funny!) The next time she writes a book, the focus will not be on her. (Next time?!? Noooooooo!)

Long list of people. She’s not the only one in the family who has interesting (and some Alaskany) kids’ names – Payton, Lauden, Karcher, Happy, Kier, McKinley, Heath and Teko. Denali, Brooks, Skyler, Camryn, Isha. Thanks to Lynn Vincent “for her indispensible work getting the words on paper.” To her kids’ teachers – “thanks for your patience with our unconventional schedules, and despite some political opinons held by their mom, thank you for mentoring and loving the Palin kids anyway.”

Thanks to her friends because she “couldn’t do a thing without your generous help with the kids – babysitting, carpooling, overnights, diaper changing, storybook reading and arts & crafts entertainment.” Kristan Cole, Kris Perry, Thomas Van Flein, Meg Stapleton. Cabinet members, mom & pop businesses, Todd’s “slope buddies.” “The Prayer Warriors from Wasilla to Washington to Winnipeg, it is your intercession that allows me to stand today.” Valley Pastors Prayer Network.

“A special shout-out to airline flight attendants (you know why).” (HUH??)

Special needs community who are lucky because God touched them in “unique ways.”

Fred Malek, Conservatives4Palin, Team Sarah, 2012 Draft Sarah Committee (!!!)

To “media professionals”  like Glenn Beck, Greta Van Susteren, Rush Limbaugh- “please keep making the idiots’ heads spin.” (Whose idiot head would Jesus spin?)

And finally to her immediate family. “I breathe you.”

She knows there is a God. Her life is in his hands. Everyone should let God take over their lives. She’s thankful for “His majestic creation called Alaska” and for his “touch on America.” (I knew it! I just KNEW God was an American!) “By His grace, an American life is an extraordinary life.”

The End.

I cannot believe I made it.

And corks pop at Mudflats Central.

Thanks for coming along on the “wild ride” through this mind-numbing, stomach-churning, brain-bleeding, eye-gouging, ear-poking, head-banging exercise in wading through and endless, steaming pile of words that were cobbled together for maximum delusional effect.  You were with me through the lies of omission, the lies of inclusion, the revisionist history, the fairy tale myths, all seen through the pretty pink fireweed colored glasses of the new self-proclaimed leader of the “commonsense conservative movement.”

And now, I bid you adieu for the evening.  I have a large jar full of warm soapy water and a loofah pad waiting for my weary shrivelled brain.  A quick rinse with a nice Shiraz, and a pat dry with a soft fluffy pillow and it will be as good as new.