Levi Johnston Names Second Baby After Gun
We’d like to take a break from the trivial, frivolous matter of election integrity to delve deeply into a critical piece of developing news…
Levi Johnston, the ex-fiance and baby daddy of former Dancing With the Stars celebrity Bristol Palin, and also former ex-almost-son-in-law of the former ex-half-governor and former-almost-second-in-command of these here United States, has gotten his current girlfriend Sunny Oglesby in the family way.
Once again, the miracle of life began for Johnston on a camping trip, and once again, the pregnancy was unplanned. We do not know if wine coolers were involved this time. “We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control,” Oglesby explained. And as everyone can tell you, abstinence for like four days, like totally sucks.
The details of their meeting and conception were revealed by the young couple to Inside Edition Magazine.
When Oglesby revealed she was unmarried and pregnant, the Christian school where she was working as a teacher suggested she quit. She’s now a preschool teacher in Wasilla public schools.
“How did you two meet?” asked Moret.
“I seen her on Facebook—a picture, and I called my friend and said ‘Get her,’” said Johnston.
Oglesby says she didn’t know who Levi was.
“You’ve never heard of Levi Johnston?” asked Moret, “Were you living under a rock to not know who he was?”
“I don’t watch gossip stuff,” replied Oglesby.
It’s like one of those epic love stories from the ages, isn’t it? So romantic… like if Romeo and Juliet had social media.
But all that’s not the big news. It seems you don’t actually have to be a Palin to come up with bizarre and weirdly inappropriate baby names.
Let’s review the Palins. There was Track, named for the sporting event. Bristol, of course, who (depending on which story you believe) was named after Bristol Bay, where her dad, the former first dude goes fishing in the summer, or for Bristol, Connecticut – home of CNN Sports. Willow was named for a town north of Wasilla. Piper Indie was named for both an airplane and (depending which story you believe) a snowmachine, or a cute nickname for “Independence.”
Trig, and Tripp followed… because apparently Todd and Track set the trend for male names starting with T. We’re not sure quite what’s going to happen if there’s another male child born… our bets are on Traeger (after the grill), or Tyvek (after the sticky waterproof barrier siding thousands of halfway built structures across the state.
But it turns out that Levi is now expecting a little girl. Uh-oh…
Sports – taken.
Patriotic buzzword – taken.
Commercial fishing site – taken.
Town name and/or tree – taken.
Airplane – taken.
Snowmachine – taken.
What to do?
Breeze. That’s the first name. Not particular to Alaska, and more akin to some kind of air freshener, or feminine hygiene product, but OK.
Beretta. After the gun. Considering everything in the list above was taken, there was pretty much nothing left but the second amendment, anyway. And nothing says pro-life like naming the sweet little angel after a cold, metal, killing machine. I suppose it could have been worse – Winchester. Or Glock. Or AK-47.
Actually, I’m kind of surprised he didn’t pick that last one.
Maybe next time.