My Twitter Feed

September 2, 2014

Levi Johnston Names Second Baby After Gun

We’d like to take a break from the trivial, frivolous matter of election integrity to delve deeply into a critical piece of developing news…

Levi Johnston, the ex-fiance and baby daddy of former Dancing With the Stars celebrity Bristol Palin, and also former ex-almost-son-in-law of the former ex-half-governor and former-almost-second-in-command of these here United States, has gotten his current girlfriend Sunny Oglesby in the family way.

Once again, the miracle of life began for Johnston on a camping trip, and once again, the pregnancy was unplanned. We do not know if wine coolers were involved this time. “We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control,” Oglesby explained.  And as everyone can tell you, abstinence for like four days, like totally sucks.

The details of their meeting and conception were revealed by the young couple to Inside Edition Magazine.

When Oglesby revealed she was unmarried and pregnant, the Christian school where she was working as a teacher suggested she quit. She’s now a preschool teacher in Wasilla public schools.

“How did you two meet?” asked Moret.

“I seen her on Facebook—a picture, and I called my friend and said ‘Get her,’” said Johnston.

Oglesby says she didn’t know who Levi was.

“You’ve never heard of Levi Johnston?” asked Moret, “Were you living under a rock to not know who he was?”

“I don’t watch gossip stuff,” replied Oglesby.

It’s like one of those epic love stories from the ages, isn’t it?  So romantic… like if Romeo and Juliet had social media.

But all that’s not the big news. It seems you don’t actually have to be a Palin to come up with bizarre and weirdly inappropriate baby names.

Let’s review the Palins. There was Track, named for the sporting event. Bristol, of course, who (depending on which story you believe) was named after Bristol Bay, where her dad, the former first dude goes fishing in the summer, or for Bristol, Connecticut – home of CNN Sports. Willow was named for a town north of Wasilla. Piper Indie was named for both an airplane and (depending which story you believe) a snowmachine, or a cute nickname for “Independence.”

Trig, and Tripp followed… because apparently Todd and Track set the trend for male names starting with T. We’re not sure quite what’s going to happen if there’s another male child born… our bets are on Traeger (after the grill), or Tyvek (after the sticky waterproof barrier siding thousands of halfway built structures across the state.

But it turns out that Levi is now expecting a little girl. Uh-oh…

Sports – taken.
Patriotic buzzword – taken.
Commercial fishing site – taken.
Town name and/or tree – taken.
Airplane – taken.
Snowmachine – taken.

What to do?

Breeze. That’s the first name. Not particular to Alaska, and more akin to some kind of air freshener, or feminine hygiene product, but OK.

Middle name?

Beretta. After the gun. Considering everything in the list above was taken, there was pretty much nothing left but the second amendment, anyway. And nothing says pro-life like naming the sweet little angel after a cold, metal, killing machine. I suppose it could have been worse – Winchester. Or Glock. Or AK-47.

Actually, I’m kind of surprised he didn’t pick that last one.

Maybe next time.

Comments

comments

Comments
31 Responses to “Levi Johnston Names Second Baby After Gun”
  1. PitBullAttorney says:

    Levi needs to be deprogrammed from these Palins and Heaths…did anyone hear that the “trust fund” was taken and “Richter Investments” created…Aw Sarah…don’t steal the government hates competition and when the lawsuit is over you can apply for welfare…you know…incompetents can’t afford attorneys…or they crucify those they cannot forget….

    Honestly, I heard a little bird say that Chuck Heath banged Sally’s sister from Omak, Washington…

    And out will come baby cradle and all….well nothing like a court ordered DNA to confirm or deny?

  2. Oh, my, my. Just when I thought we were finally rid of hearing the antics of the famous from Wasilla.

    His latest fling seems to be a perfect match for him – neither seems capable of planning ahead.

    As for the name, poor little girl. I hope she is smarter and has more character than her parents – she’ll need it.

  3. Ripley in CT says:

    AKM, Bristol, CT is the home of ESPN. Not CNN. Otherwise I love the run on sentence in paragraph no. 2. :P

  4. LA Brian says:

    With Kalashnikov she could have opted for the nickname “Kallie.”

    Now she’s rather limited to BB, which keeps it in the gun section of things.

  5. AKblue says:

    Thanks, AKM. I really, really needed a good laugh this morning.
    Notice, there is not a Christian name among any of the Palin offspring or their connections.
    I vote for Tyvek for the next boy.

  6. Zyxomma says:

    Breeze Beretta Oglesby-Johnson? Poor baby.

    • Motorhead says:

      Reminds me of a great line in one of the classic W.C Fields movies — his daughter was dating a young man named Ogg Ogglesby… Fields’ grumpy dad character mumbles, “Hmmmm… Ogg Ogglesby… sounds like a bubble in a bathtub!”

  7. Ray in MD says:

    Just a note – it’s ESPN (not CNN), HQ’d in Bristol, CT.

  8. juneaudream says:

    Hmmm..we do have one assorted group out here..amounst the bad-ol country types, as opposed to the good country-types..who remind me of dogs br—-ing in an alley…and then their..progeny..are dropped and semiraised..over time on their farm. Sad..and ugh.

  9. Polarbear says:

    Apparently we get the media stories we deserve? Elevate, please.

    ‘Blow up your TV
    Throw away your paper
    Move to the country
    Build you a home’

    John Prine

  10. tigerwine says:

    You know, I had hopes for Levi at one time, but I give up.

    * Does he have a job?

    *Even if the young couple “slipped up”, wouldn’t it have been classier to quietly get married, not have yourselves smeared all over the tabloids?

    *By announcing that ridiculous name for their baby, it seems it was chosen with just one thing in mind: drawing atention to themselves and making them just as nutty as the Palins.

    But I guess I have no imagination: My boys are named Thomas John and Andrew. I told my husband we already had 3 of the apostles, and not to try for the other nine!

    Happy Day to all!

    • beaglemom says:

      Why couldn’t Levi finish high school and then get some vocational training? That’s what should have been happening during the 2008 campaign so that he could then support his child. That’s what his family and the Palins should have been encouraging. The result of what actually happened – almost four years later – is that being paid by tabloid newspapers and television is Levi Johnston’s only source of income now. I don’t think he realizes yet that he will have to support two children in a few months. It would seem to me that even in tabloid-land, interest in him (or in any of the Palin younger generations) should have waned by now.

      • mudkitten says:

        To be fair, he or some adult did try. Remember when Todd pulled strings to get him into an apprenticeship? This was back in fall of ’08 I believe and I don’t remember all the details, but I think it was to be a plumber. It was a plum deal and competitive to get into. But when the evil, big meanie media found out that he didn’t have the prerequisite high school diploma, he got booted. Palin blamed the media, of course; others were bothered that he was taking the place of someone who actually might have earned the spot.

        It seems Levi simply needs to graduate HS and it seems to be beyond his capabilities. I also once had hopes for him, but he has been a disappointment.

        • tigerwine says:

          Hi, Mudkitten! I thought it was his dad that pulled strings to get him an apprenticeship up on the slope, then SP brought up the fact he had to have a HS diploma to land a job like that. Anybody?

        • tigerwine says:

          From the ADN:

          Johnston’s father, Keith Johnston, said the governor had nothing to do with getting Levi the Slope job. Keith Johnston said his own position as an ASRC construction engineer accounts for any help his son received in landing work.

          Both Palin and the elder Johnston added that the governor’s husband, Todd Palin, himself a Slope worker for BP, likewise had no involvement with getting Levi the ASRC job.

          But due to the media attention surrounding the matter, Johnston said he and his son conferred Monday and Levi decided to resign and concentrate on his education.

          Read more here: http://www.adn.com/2009/01/05/643519/levi-johnston-quits-oil-field.html#storylink=cpy

          • mudkitten says:

            Thanks for setting things straight. I see it was for an electrician apprenticeship, not plumber. I would tend to believe Levi’s dad, but Palin’s denials don’t mean much to me. In fact, the more she denies something, the more it’s likely to be true.

  11. Baker's Dozen says:

    Troll. I’m going for Troll. Or Trough. Tramp. How abut Tryst? That might be appropriate. Twit. They could go the oxymoron route and name it Talent.

    However, in a post long ago, I predicted that the next grandkids would be Lead Paint and DDT. I stand by that prognostification.

    I think Breeze Beretta sound more like a particularly potent flatulence episode.

    • tigerwine says:

      Hah, Ha! Like shooting off some wind? (I know, crude, but that’s all I could think of when I read your last sentence!

    • leenie17 says:

      I think it sounds more like the name of a tacky 1960s female private eye in a bad B movie…imagine a schlockier version of Charlie’s Angels with more turquoise paisley polyester.

      Or, even worse, a stripper who dresses in leather and studs. Such a sweet and delicate name for a baby girl.

      Is there a significant lack of oxygen in the air of Wasilla causing all this monumental stoopidity???

  12. Martha Unalaska Yard Sign says:

    I’m not going to say “Oh Shoot!” because I’m sure it’s already been said.

    At least that name is likely to help create character, and possibly a good right and left hook. Kids with weird names often turn into spunky little people and I kinda like that outcome. You know one of her nicknames could easily be BB.

  13. Alaska Pi says:

    AGH!!!
    I visit here to triv and frivol! No !
    Please go back to your city election ! Please !
    There’s so much of this fast breaking , critical, important stuff all over the “tubes” already.
    I need a place to come break my brain on trivial failures to maintain the cornerstone of participatory democracy and other such frivolous foo-foo.
    No ! Please!

    • AKMuckraker says:

      This one took all of 20 minutes, so no real time taken away from the important stuff! More of that coming very soon. Just having a little fun. :)

      • Martha Unalaska Yard Sign says:

        Of course, it’s hard to resist something goofy amidst all the drama once in awhile. I think it’s funny!

      • Alaska Pi says:

        Oh.Whew!
        Yes. Some fun.
        Now I get it.
        It really has been grim lately
        Thanks AKM!

Leave A Comment

%d bloggers like this: