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May 22, 2018

Octoporn! (VIDEO)

On Valentine’s week, we bring you a tale of passion, and love, and tragedy, and hope, from the Alaska Sea Life Center in Seward.

Let’s start at the beginning.

You see, gentle readers, when a boy octopus and a girl octopus love each other very much, they share a special kind of hug. And in this case it was VERY special.

I’m talking about Felix and Lulu, two Giant Pacific Octopuses. (Forget everything you have been taught, it is not “octopi”) The two were introduced, and there were instant fireworks. Lulu laid eyes on the dashing star of the Denizens of the Deep exhibit, and it was love at first sight. The result was a very passionate and leggy interlude, which was captured forever on film – a weirdly compelling few minutes of octoporn, loosely clothed in scientific research. Not even the few tasteless gawkers with flash cameras could dampen the ardor of our lovers’ cephalopodic desire.

So, yeah. You could say they pretty much hit it off right away.

Not only that, but their September 15 union successfully got Lulu in the family way, much to the delight of all concerned. That’s right, our expectant mama had thousands of buns in the oven, and laid them all in December. She now stands guard over her brood, being a great mom, and fanning the eggs, watching over them, and keeping them safe.

And lest you think that Felix and Lulu indiscriminately rushed into things by deciding to start a family right away, you should know that this was Felix and Lulu’s one and only opportunity to… er… “engage in amorous congress.” Why only once? Would that it were only a lovers quarrel, or disapproving families that kept our two star-crossed lovers from meeting again. Alas, the culprit is death.

As all male octopuses do Felix had his fun, and has now passed away. Lulu will die too, but hopefully not before her precious eggs hatch, and the tank fills with thousands of bouncing babies that will carry their parents’ DNA another generation into the future.

Already the vigilant Lulu seldom leaves the eggs, and is eating less and less. She has lost weight. All we can do is hope for the best, and celebrate the new life that will come this spring. Lulu and Felix are lucky that their babies will not be born in the harsh and dangerous open ocean. A devoted staff awaits the little ones, and will learn much about the care and feeding of the next generation.

So, Happy Valentine’s Day to you, and may your intimate relatioinship(s) be less complicated than this one.



8 Responses to “Octoporn! (VIDEO)”
  1. mike from iowa says:

    Didn’t Neil Diamond write and sing about “love on the rocks”?

  2. mike from iowa says:

    Can’t imagine a better female role model for rwnj-a devoted mother who willingly sacrifices her own life for the lives of her offspring. Problem is I can’t imagine a gutless rwnj male willing to do the same. Naturally,nutters are too busy shoving their noses into other people’s moralities,they don’t have time to stoke the home fires. And besides,they would suspicion the little missus could be having fun without them,so it would be god swill that they pay for the pleasure with their sinful lives. Imagine christian taliban with eight arms each and think of the mischief each one could commit.

  3. mlaiuppa says:

    Yeah. I know the females die. Completely altruistic. (Sorta like Charlotte). They give their all so their babies might live. They nurture them unto their own deaths.

    But I didn’t know the males also succumbed. That is really a shame.

    I hope Lulu and Felix’ offspring are many and live long and fruitful lives of their own.

    Perhaps some will even predict the next World Cup.

  4. Forty Watt says:

    There are worse ways to go. 🙂

  5. Zyxomma says:

    Does anyone else remember “Octopus Song” from the musical Fanny? It was sung by The Admiral, and goes, in part, “I’m in love with an octopus, a slinky, inky octopus. I’ll be true to her lips of blue, and those eight lovin’ arms around me.”

  6. mike from iowa says:

    No worries. When Pervo and Parnell get wind of this immorality,they will sue to have feeding tubes placed in Lulu so she can be tried in their courts for her immoral ways.

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