Send Cruz & Co. to North Slope
As we trip along our merry way through the government shut down, and straight toward the Cliffs of Default, the mighty Matt Taibbi has penned his thoughts on the political landscape for Rolling Stone. Having lived in the former Soviet Union for ten years, Taibbi finds himself musing, “What Would Stalin Do?” about the pack of representatives who seem to have come straight from the back of the school bus, to the back bench of Congress.
I’m guessing he would have taken Tea Party Sen. Ted Cruz’s caucus members, loaded them onto cattle cars, and relocated them to a piece of woodsy wilderness in Alaska’s Chugach National Forest.
Once there, guards would have handed saws and hammers to the esteemed legislators (still dressed in suits and heels – no wasteful government spending on parkas!) and instructed them to build new congressional “branch offices” out of the still-living trees surrounding them. Always conscious of cost, Stalin preferred, whenever possible, to relocate pesky populations to remote deserts and taigas rather than waste bullets liquidating them. Tea Party congresspersons would naturally be one of the first nationalities moved.
(AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)
While I’m not one to reflexively call into question the assessments of one as clearly learned as Mr. Taibbi, nor presume to be more in touch with what the former Russion dictator would have done with Sen. Cruz and his ilk, I do take exception to a certain suggestion in the above statement, which I have conveniently put in bold type for your reference.
I thought about that assertion for a while, as I slurped my coffee and gazed out the window at the Chugach National Forest (Yes, I really can see it from my house), and came up with what I believe is a better solution. It’s not just because the thought of having Ted Cruz and his pack of malignant cohorts building new congressional offices out of the magnificent birch forest in my back yard makes my physiology do uncomfortable things – I propose that the Chugach is far beyond what they deserve.
I feel confident in saying that The Chugach National Forest is one of the most fabulous pieces of real estate in the country, encompassing the entire breathtaking coastline and emerald islands of Prince William Sound. And while I might have sent the lot there in the spring of 1989 with buckets and hoses to do a little cleanup work, at this point I think we can come up with something a little more fitting for them than this precious jewel of the north.
Might I suggest a destination which is a little less balmy, and picturesque, and a little more “remote.” It’s what Stalin would have wanted. Something, perhaps, like Alaska’s North Slope? I’m thinking the Tea Party caucus can just hang out there for the winter and ready themselves to get to work when summer hits. It’s easier to work in the daylight, and when temperatures get above freezing.
I’m sure Papa Joe would have approved, don’t you think? Especially since we’re not wasting taxpayer dollars on mosquito netting. And they’re a stubborn and persistent bunch. I’m sure they’d find some trees eventually.