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October 24, 2014

Good Tidings & Great Pain – A Palin Xmas, Intro

Today, I walked into Barnes & Noble on a mission. A horrible, horrible mission.

“Hahaha,” you say, “Did you buy Sarah Palin’s new book?” And then you wait to hear what I was really doing there.

Awkward pause.

That IS what I was really doing there.

zombiexmas

Decisions, decisions…

I had a tough choice, once I found myself actually holding her book. Because, to  be honest “The Zombie’s Guide to the Holidays” in the impulse buy section by the register seemed like it would be a better read. And it had a cute little snowflake bookmark.

But then it hit me… “A Zombie’s Guide to the HOLIDAYS?” Where’s the Christmas?!? Are zombies now part of the hateful war on Christmas? Are zombies all “PeeCee?” Are they afraid? Have they been cowed into renouncing the Name above all Names? Have zombies joined forces with atheists, and … atheists, who try to take the Christ out of Christmas and thus then taking out the true meaning and being Scrooges who are merely just offended and therefore drain the happiness and joy from the season which is only here because of the meaning of the baby Jesus and against that which the ACLU and the elite lawyers try to cram down our throats also too though?

I had to find out the true meaning of Christmas. And there was no one better able to sift through all that political correctness and dish it to me straight than Sarah Palin.

[fade out]

“But WHY are you talking about Sarah Palin? I wish she’d just go away! I don’t want to read any more! I can’t bring myself to go on! Just ignore her! Stop it!”

If any of the above describes you, now is the time to bail. You are excused from class with no penalty.

There is a long and storied tradition here at the Mudflats, and I have blogged every chapter of every book my ex-half-governor has “written.” It is a hobby. It makes me feel better about myself and the people around me. Sometimes it is like shooting fish in a barrel, and sometimes it is like searching for a pearl in a dung heap. It is what I do. I’ve been doing it since May of 2008. I’ve written a book even. I have tried always to approach Sarah Palin with humor, and to delve into the dark, dark places others fear to tread.

So, if you just can’t handle it for A, B, or C, then we wish you Happy Holidays and point you back down the trail with no hard feelings. And, if you’re with me, grab your Christmas shovel, pull on your muckboots, and let’s get to it.

We rejoin me at Barnes & Noble…

[fade in]

So I marched up to the counter clutching my Christmas treasure with pride and handed the book to my stalwart companion at the last minute. And then I ran out, empty-handed, so the security camera people wouldn’t think it was my book.

Now, I’m home, snuggled in, and ready to begin. It’s difficult to miss that her books are getting progressively smaller, just like her relevance. There are only seven chapters plus an introduction in this one, and the book is a diminutive 6″x8″.

The back of the jacket tells us that the book is not about “isolated trivialities,” or gingerbread cookies, or “the big fat man with the long white beard.” I’m assuming she means Santa and not God.

god-and-santa-claus-god-santa-republicans-democrats-mencken-politics-1364339044

Uh-oh… Trouble’s a-brewin’. I wouldn’t want to be at THAT house for Christmas.

Her book is all about the baby Jesus “who was here “long before hope and change became political manipulations.” And also long before painfully contrived books supposedly about him became blatant capitalistic tools and seasonal money-makers.

And the book jacket leaves us with this final narcissistic, italicized pronouncement about itself:

It may just change your life. 

Wow. How’s that lifey changey thing workin’ out for ya?

INTRODUCTION:

We begin with a photo of young Tripp Palin/Johnston, adorable son of Bristol and her former fiancé Levi. The young lad appears to have sprouted a teapot spout, or an elephant trunk from his lower abdomen, which is hanging an ornament on a Christmas tree. The disembodied limb undoubtedly has an owner somewhere, presumably Bristol, although we are not sure of that. And yes, I get to write in the book. That’s kind of the best part.

tripp

Most of the introduction I’ve already covered in a previous post which you can read HERE. Or I can just give you the Cliff Notes if you prefer.

Cliff Notes from Previous Post

  • Racist parlor game tradition of “Eskimo Bingo” which involves greed, stealing, and graft. Ya know. Like eskimos.
  • Science teacher Dad giving a fossil as a “gag gift.” Hahahaha science older than 6000 years!
  • Todd’s awesome Christmas gifts to her of an ice auger, and a gun.
  • Hers to him of a gun, and his to her of a metal gun holder so she can proclaim in the spirit of the baby Jesus, “He’s got the gun and I’ve got the rack!”  Get it? RACK? *wink wink*
  • Her presents to the kids including a BB gun.
  • A treasure hunt tradition that she hates, and the kids hate, and she wishes she didn’t have to do because it destroys Christmas morning and all she wants to do is sit and drink coffee, but her mom guilt makes her do it every year so she and the kids can whine and complain about it. Because… The Gift of Complaining.

But in the future Christmas will be reviled, and won’t be able to be celebrated “openly and joyfully.” Christians, it is implied, will be forced underground by the Scrooges who wish them to cry and be unhappy because of their silly happy time rituals.

Christmas symbology is being stripped from our public spaces, and the atheists “laugh.”

evil-laugh

Atheists will steal Christmas and turn it into a secular festival. You know, like when the Christians stole the pagan festival and turned it into a Christian one. But this time it’s totally not OK.

And listen up Jews, and Buddhists, and Muslims, and Pagans, and atheists:

“There is no ultimate peace apart from Christ, and it is Christ who empowers every act of ‘goodwill toward men’ in our otherwise fallen hearts.”

SURPRISE! You thought you were just good people doing good things for other people. Nuh-uh. Jesus did that.

And then, Sarah does a miraculous thing. She predicts we’re going to say that those “bitter clingers” feel the way they do because they are ignorant and fear change.

“(See how I did that? I just summarized 90 percent of the book reviews for my critics, so they don’t even have to read the rest. You betcha, I helped you out!)”

Oh, if that were only true. But I’m sure there’s much… much more. Thanks for trying though, Sarah. I do appreciate the effort.

And we wrap it all up by learning that we don’t have to be “intimidated by the political correctness police.”  Whew.

I can’t wait for Chapter 1.

But, I may need assistance to help me overcome the massive life changing that is about to occur.

Some nice frenchy socialist ginger cognac sounds nice.

Yes, that’ll do. The wreath is almost like a little coaster.

On to Chapter 1.

cognacpalin

 

 

Comments

comments

Comments
35 Responses to “Good Tidings & Great Pain – A Palin Xmas, Intro”
  1. g says:

    Someone smarter and funnier than me remarked that this isn’t really a Christmas book, it’s a Festivus book. Because what she’s doing is the Annual Airing of Grievances.

  2. Moose Pucky says:

    “Goodwill towards men”…recalling the statements of Obama palling around with terrorists as one example of such “goodwill”.

  3. Alaska Pi says:

    Thanks AKM!
    whatzername yapping about ultimate peace ?
    What in the world does Ms Snark, snarl, and snap, who has to snort snowballs to keep her inner dragon tamped down, know about any kind of peace? :-D
    Waiting for Chapter 1 as seen by you…

  4. Katinak says:

    Interesting…
    “And then, Sarah does a miraculous thing. She predicts we’re going to say that those “bitter clingers” feel the way they do because they are ignorant and fear change.” Because of course…this: “”Her book is all about the baby Jesus “who was here “long before hope and change became political manipulations.””
    She (who shall not be named), is a contradiction in contradictions, while mired in a conundrum.

  5. CorningNY says:

    AKM, your mission reminds me of the armed forces members who volunteered for service, even knowing they had to go to Iraq or Afghanistan, places where craziness rules and you never know what’s going to happen. Like them, you keep getting “re-deployed” for further missions. You may not be in physical danger–assuming your head only explodes figuratively–but I would think there’d be some PTSD-type aftereffects from all this! Flashbacks, maybe some nightmares..*shudder* All I can say is, stay well-armed with those adult beverages!

  6. Zyxomma says:

    Jeanne, let me know if you need some calming teas — I’ve got excellent herbal blends, and despite RWNJ pronouncements, the USPS still works.

    • Jeanne Devon says:

      Thank you Zyx. But by this point, my skin is thick, and my tolerance robust. Living with, and writing about Palin for five years is like training at high altitude. :)

  7. mike from iowa says:

    The story from Bethlehem,Pa was people had to stand in line early for wrist band thingies(100) and then return late afternoon for a book signing wait in line. One vociferous Snookie fan said ,”She’s selling out whole towns.” Hell she sold out the whole state of Alaska and I don’t remember people being happy about it. I ‘spect you’d find pearls in dung before you find any pearls of wisdumb from this one.

    • mike from iowa says:

      Breitbart is raising hell that Obama omitted “under God” from his recitation of Gettysburg Address-even though the first two drafts(one of which Obama read) do not contain those words. Other news,former Sec of State for Florida,K. Harris’ husband killed himself today. Obama’s recitation was for Ken Burn’s film.

    • Alaska Pi says:

      “voted truest bestest remark about whatzername in quite awhile

      ‘Hell she sold out the whole state of Alaska and I don’t remember people being happy about it. I ‘spect you’d find pearls in dung before you find any pearls of wisdumb from this one.”

      (like)

  8. You describe your read of the latest ghost-written twaddle as “like searching for a pearl in a dung heap”. Except there are no pearls there. There never have been It’s all dung.

    /WC

    • Jeanne Devon says:

      I view the pearls as those things we can laugh at, and the dung as the part that makes us want to throw ourselves in front of a train. I have lowered my standards as she continues to write these “books.” :)

  9. AKblue says:

    I know it’s sad to laugh at someone’s scrambled thinking, but she freely puts herself out there….
    AKM, thanks for bravely wading in where many fear to tread–and giving us a some brilliantly funny writing also too!

  10. hedgewytch says:

    I have been raised to respect books – you don’t turn down the corner to mark your page, you don’t write in the book, you don’t use the book as a coaster. But for every Rule there is always the Exception – Hello any “book” “written” by Sarah Palin – pass me the Sharpie!!

  11. juneaudream says:

    In those glorious..no-specific gods/goddesses days..when the lights..were the cave fires, where the joy was living through..yet another cold storm day, and night..with the clan..the gift..was the haunch of critter..roasting..in the embers..nourishing the family. I imagine..the assorted palins and extended family..wandering out from a time machine..into those days..of yore. The shock..the fear..of what the earth, and its peoples were like..all colors, all with foggy dreamings..of poss. gifts like..a fresh cupped hand..full of berrys, and the warmth..of a reemerging sun..above the horizon. Oh lets let their family enjoy their myths and lameness. They..as we speak..fry in their own oils..crisping nicely, in their angers, as they sink..into embers..to become..artifacts..of a failed species. So little will be left of brittle bone, of highend bling..that the real lights will fall and cloak us all..who actually live..in truly, holy light..from the cosmos. Dust we were..and dust we will again become..the savor of true ash, and true smoke..leads us on.

  12. Moose Pucky says:

    Where’s the like button? Consider this it.

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