Good Tidings & Great Pain, Top 10 Atrocities Ch. 4
Yes, I’ve seen it.
I have seen Dan Savage’s review of Palin’s book. It’s been sent to me on Facebook, posted to my wall, sent to the Mudflats page, emailed to me, tweeted at me, left in comments. It’s very funny.
Dan Savage got off easy. That’s all I’m saying. Spoiler Alert: His husband threw the book away before he’d even gotten to Chapter 1. He wrote a review of the introduction. I wish I had Dan Savage’s husband, but Dan Savage was the better man and got him first. And so here I sit, egg nog in hand, as I slog through this festering swamp of hyperbole, venom, and my own tears. And the only thing I have to hang my hat on at this point is that I can say I made it farther than Dan Savage. These are the little victories one must claim.
Being a progressive Alaskan blogger in 2008 and 2009 was like high altitude training. I can handle this.
I’m only on Chapter 4, though. And it’s already past Solstice. My time is running short, because no one will care about this after Christmas. Nobody even really cares about it NOW as far as I can tell, except those who are praising Dan Savage for copping out. Pfft. Even Palin got half way through before she quit. (oh snap!)
Of course, I love Dan Savage. I do.
But remember, dear reader, who held your hand through the drunken atheism, the angry liberal Joe McScrooge’s fictitious sneering journey to the God fearing city of Bethlehem Pennsylvania, the Perils of Palin in which she waged a hypothetical battle against the Godless ACLU to keep the crappy plastic nativity scene in Wasilla, the near trauma of getting a dictionary for Christmas to learn that “words matter,” the glossing over of genocide, and the real meaning of Christmas – having signs that say Christmas above aisles of cheap plastic crap no one needs. Actually, the real meaning of Christmas is to be martyred by the signs that say only – “Happy Holidays.” But who was there for you? Was it Dan Savage? No, it was not. It was ME dammit, ME! He went through one round of Eskimo Bingo and headed for the hills.
So, how can there be four more chapters? What is left to say?
I have no idea. But my tires are wearing thin, and my holiday snow machine is almost out of gas. My Christmas ammo is running low. So, I’m going to power through chapter 4, hitting only the highlights in the interest of time. Here are the top 10 atrocities from Chapter 4, in chronological order.
I’m throwing myself over the Cliff notes.
1) When she was a child, all of the Christmas decorations in the Heath house were stored under Dad’s ammo reloading bench upstairs. Like you do. I feel a bit ripped off by this, because when something is already parody, it leaves little to say.
2) “Lamestream media,” a term coined by the ex-half-governor, has now been acronymed by her as well. It’s now “The LSM.” All the kids are saying it. LSM? LOL! WTF? SMH…
3) A message to small business owners: “Don’t be intimidated by a tiny minority. Just because they’re loud, doesn’t mean they’re right.”
4) Chick-fil-A was persecuted by the LSM. Their open disdain for the gays and the fact that people don’t like that basically makes them fast food martyrs as evidenced by this Biblical quote: “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. (Matthew: 5:11) It’s as though Matthew were bestowing a holy blessing like flaked salt upon the waffle fries. You can read further in the Book of Constitution Chapter 1, amendment 1. Freedom of speech is your guaranteed right. You can say whatever you want without consequences, as long as it’s what you think Jesus would say. Bless you, Chick-fil-A. Bless you on a fluffy, white, homophobic bun.
5) Sarah does not get emotional over sentimental things. She did not cry when she watched The Notebook. But her family wagers cash money on how long she can make it without blubbering like an idiot when she reads the story of Christmas. “The story of the birth of Christ chokes me up,” she confesses. Todd threw a couple actual greenbacks on the coffee table before she started reading saying, “I’ll give it to the wise men with the presents part.” Two bucks? Are you kidding me? Don’t be cheap with your mockery wagering, Todd. Jesus totally would have laid down a ten spot. *sniff* Now, I’m all choked up too.
6) After she “makes” the kids listen to the story, on the table they “place a candelabra and Hanukkah candles, as a way to acknowledge Christianity’s Judeo-Christian roots. See, I embrace diversity.” Hannukah is basically just Jewish Christmas,right? It’s in the same month sometimes, and there are presents, and lights… whatever. Close enough. Yay for diversity.
7) Faux Pearl of Wisdom: “If the world could be described as truly ‘survival of the fittest,’ why would people collectively be stricken with a spirit of generosity in December?” In case you’re not sure what that means, evolution is bullshit because for a couple weeks a year, conservative Christians volunteer to send packages to orphans and participate in a canned food drive, exonerating them from the other 11 and a half months when those little vipers should be scrubbing floors in schools, but just want to suck off the government teat, parasite off hard-working Christians who are entitled to keep everything to themselves because it teaches a lesson to slackers. Like Jesus said. And if not for Christianity, everyone would be self-serving, craven, misanthropes. Just ask everyone who isn’t a Christian. They’ll know.
8) The Christmas after she lost the Vice Presidency, she tried really hard to govern, but was slammed with lawsuits and ethics charges that were laughable and mean, and couldn’t bear watching her state and its people suffer like that… So, she spooned potatoes in the Wasilla High School gym on Christmas. And her suffering made her think of Psalm 123 “Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy on us, for we have endured no end of contempt.” Sarah Palin is just like a Jew taken captive and persecuted by Babylonians. And in the spirit of restraint, she stopped short of flinging herself to a lion, or nailing herself to a cross that she fashioned out of Alaskan spruce that she split herself under a display of the northern lights, while being mocked by a liberal talking into an Obamaphone.
9) Then there’s the story of Bristol’s out of wedlock pregnancy. Sarah wanted them to marry, but Todd being more forward thinking said he didn’t want Bristol “to marry that… boy.” He almost said a bad word in there, just to settle any ambiguity for little Tripp about how his grandparents feel about his dad. Sarah realized that because of baby daddy and all those horrible things they won’t say about him, Bristol needed to make up her own mind about whether to get married. No mention of Sarah and Todd’s out of wedlock pregnancy in there, though. One almost loses one’s footing, and slips off the page on all that glossing over. But better to print in painful detail all about your teenage daughter’s transgressions than your own. Spirit of Christmas and all that.
10) “Christmas is not the holiday version of Disneyland, polished and shined up for people to walk admiringly through before getting to the gift shop. No, Christmas is grit, it’s mercy, it’s vulnerability.” Now it’s time for another round of Eskimo Bingo!
Someone get me some Gatorade and vodka… Time for Chapter 5.
If you need to get caught up, here are the archives.