My Twitter Feed

October 26, 2014

Good Tidings & Great Pain, Top 10 Atrocities Ch. 4

Yes, I’ve seen it.

I have seen Dan Savage’s review of Palin’s book. It’s been sent to me on Facebook, posted to my wall, sent to the Mudflats page, emailed to me, tweeted at me, left in comments. It’s very funny.

Dan Savage got off easy. That’s all I’m saying. Spoiler Alert: His husband threw the book away before he’d even gotten to Chapter 1. He wrote a review of the introduction. I wish I had Dan Savage’s husband, but Dan Savage was the better man and got him first. And so here I sit, egg nog in hand, as I slog through this festering swamp of hyperbole, venom, and my own tears. And the only thing I have to hang my hat on at this point is that I can say I made it farther than Dan Savage. These are the little victories one must claim.

Being a progressive Alaskan blogger in 2008 and 2009 was like high altitude training. I can handle this.

altitude-training

I’m only on Chapter 4, though. And it’s already past Solstice. My time is running short, because no one will care about this after Christmas. Nobody even really cares about it NOW as far as I can tell, except those who are praising Dan Savage for copping out. Pfft. Even Palin got half way through before she quit. (oh snap!)

Of course, I love Dan Savage. I do.

But remember, dear reader, who held your hand through the drunken atheism, the angry liberal Joe McScrooge’s fictitious sneering journey to the God fearing city of Bethlehem Pennsylvania, the Perils of Palin in which she waged a hypothetical battle against the Godless ACLU to keep the crappy plastic nativity scene in Wasilla, the near trauma of getting a dictionary for Christmas to learn that “words matter,” the glossing over of genocide, and the real meaning of Christmas – having signs that say Christmas above aisles of cheap plastic crap no one needs. Actually, the real meaning of Christmas is to be martyred by the signs that say only – “Happy Holidays.” But who was there for you? Was it Dan Savage? No, it was not. It was ME dammit, ME! He went through one round of Eskimo Bingo and headed for the hills.

So, how can there be four more chapters? What is left to say?

I have no idea. But my tires are wearing thin, and my holiday snow machine is almost out of gas. My Christmas ammo is running low. So, I’m going to power through chapter 4, hitting only the highlights in the interest of time. Here are the top 10 atrocities from Chapter 4, in chronological order.

I’m throwing myself over the Cliff notes.

1) When she was a child, all of the Christmas decorations in the Heath house were stored under Dad’s ammo reloading bench upstairs. Like you do. I feel a bit ripped off by this, because when something is already parody, it leaves little to say.

2) “Lamestream media,” a term coined by the ex-half-governor, has now been acronymed by her as well. It’s now “The LSM.” All the kids are saying it. LSM? LOL! WTF? SMH…

3) A message to small business owners: “Don’t be intimidated by a tiny minority. Just because they’re loud, doesn’t mean they’re right.”

irony-meter

4) Chick-fil-A was persecuted by the LSM. Their open disdain for the gays and the fact that people don’t like that basically makes them fast food martyrs as evidenced by this Biblical quote: “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. (Matthew: 5:11) It’s as though Matthew were bestowing a holy blessing like flaked salt upon the waffle fries. You can read further in the Book of Constitution Chapter 1, amendment 1. Freedom of speech is your guaranteed right. You can say whatever you want without consequences, as long as it’s what you think Jesus would say. Bless you, Chick-fil-A. Bless you on a fluffy, white, homophobic bun.

Chick fil a

5) Sarah does not get emotional over sentimental things. She did not cry when she watched The Notebook. But her family wagers cash money on how long she can make it without blubbering like an idiot when she reads the story of Christmas. “The story of the birth of Christ chokes me up,” she confesses. Todd threw a couple actual greenbacks on the coffee table before she started reading saying, “I’ll give it to the wise men with the presents part.” Two bucks? Are you kidding me? Don’t be cheap with your mockery wagering, Todd. Jesus totally would have laid down a ten spot. *sniff* Now, I’m all choked up too.

6) After she “makes” the kids listen to the story, on the table they “place a candelabra and Hanukkah candles, as a way to acknowledge Christianity’s Judeo-Christian roots. See, I embrace diversity.” Hannukah is basically just Jewish Christmas,right? It’s in the same month sometimes, and there are presents, and lights… whatever. Close enough. Yay for diversity.

Jewish-Christmas

7) Faux Pearl of Wisdom: “If the world could be described as truly ‘survival of the fittest,’ why would people collectively be stricken with a spirit of generosity in December?” In case you’re not sure what that means, evolution is bullshit because for a couple weeks a year, conservative Christians volunteer to send packages to orphans and participate in a canned food drive, exonerating them from the other 11 and a half months when those little vipers should be scrubbing floors in schools, but just want to suck off the government teat, parasite off hard-working Christians who are entitled to keep everything to themselves because it teaches a lesson to slackers. Like Jesus said. And if not for Christianity, everyone would be self-serving, craven, misanthropes. Just ask everyone who isn’t a Christian. They’ll know.

8) The Christmas after she lost the Vice Presidency, she tried really hard to govern, but was slammed with lawsuits and ethics charges that were laughable and mean, and couldn’t bear watching her state and its people suffer like that… So, she spooned potatoes in the Wasilla High School gym on Christmas. And her suffering made her think of Psalm 123 “Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy on us, for we have endured no end of contempt.” Sarah Palin is just like a Jew taken captive and persecuted by Babylonians. And in the spirit of restraint, she stopped short of flinging herself to a lion, or nailing herself to a cross that she fashioned out of Alaskan spruce that she split herself under a display of the northern lights, while being mocked by a liberal talking into an Obamaphone.

securedownload-1

9) Then there’s the story of Bristol’s out of wedlock pregnancy. Sarah wanted them to marry, but Todd being more forward thinking said he didn’t want Bristol “to marry that… boy.” He almost said a bad word in there, just to settle any ambiguity for little Tripp about how his grandparents feel about his dad. Sarah realized that because of baby daddy and all those horrible things they won’t say about him, Bristol needed to make up her own mind about whether to get married. No mention of Sarah and Todd’s out of wedlock pregnancy in there, though. One almost loses one’s footing, and slips off the page on all that glossing over. But better to print in painful detail all about your teenage daughter’s transgressions than your own. Spirit of Christmas and all that.

10) “Christmas is not the holiday version of Disneyland, polished and shined up for people to walk admiringly through before getting to the gift shop. No, Christmas is grit, it’s mercy, it’s vulnerability.” Now it’s time for another round of Eskimo Bingo!

Someone get me some Gatorade and vodka… Time for Chapter 5.

 

If you need to get caught up, here are the archives.

Part 1 – The purchase and Introduction

Part 2 – Ch. 1  The Angry Atheist Goes to Bethlehem

Part 3 – Ch. 2 Creepy Christmas Teddy

Part 4 – Ch. 3 Wasilla Nativity and its defense against a hypothetical threat from an imaginary person

Part 5 – Ch. 3 Part 2 (Because it’s that bad) In Praise of Offensiveness

Comments

comments

Comments
48 Responses to “Good Tidings & Great Pain, Top 10 Atrocities Ch. 4”
  1. mike from iowa says:

    http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/11/sarah-palin-war-christmas-book-good-tidings-great-joy.html

    Ms Devon,put the book DOWN and slowly back away. Belated help has arrived. Time to head for the dispensary and knock back a slug of bonded Kentucky drain/brain cleaner and let Saral’s own soothing words drive you bat-s$#t crazy.

  2. Moose Pucky says:

    #7 Faux Pearl of Wisdom shines most brightly among the starry wonders.

    And you have permission to summarize the last four chapters in one fell sweep…should you be so inclined.

  3. Zyxomma says:

    Have you seen the review at The Superficial? I just found it. Here’s Part IV:

    http://www.thesuperficial.com/review-palin-christmas-book-muslims-12-2013

  4. Irishgirl says:

    AKM….Have a wonderful Christmas. I don’t know how you managed to plow through that sh*te. I willl probably go into moderation for that…

  5. Zyxomma says:

    It’s pretty stoopid when Faux Noize has to school her on the First Amendment:
    http://blog.pfaw.org/content/sarah-palin-so-clueless-about-first-amendment-even-fox-news-has-set-her-straight

  6. mike from iowa says:

    http://www.cbsnews.com/news/dc-santa-claus-shot-with-pellet-gun-during-toy-giveaway/

    Guess Fake Noize and those love everyone show hosts forgot to give this Santa the new color coordinates for Santa’s skin.

  7. mike from iowa says:

    Wonder what that cross did to deserve having Palin nailed to it? Bad cross,bad! Or is it a commercial for Red Bull?

  8. You’ll want to read Matthew Schmitz’s article on the origin of “Xmas” —

    http://www.firstthings.com/blogs/firstthoughts/2013/12/06/in-defense-of-xmas/

    It brings a whole new level of ignorance to The Quitter’s maunderings.

    • slipstream says:

      This link will take you to the magnificent “chi rho” page of the Lindisfarne Gospels. The “chi” (which looks like the X in the Latin alphabet) “rho” (looks like P, though the pronunciation was an R sound) and “iota” (looks like an I), in large letters across the top of the page, are the first three letters of “Christ” in Greek.

      http://digitalmedievalist.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/lindisfarne-big.jpg

      In the first thousand years of Christian writings, both “Jesus” and “Christ” were usually abbreviated when written. Nothing offensive about this. Standard practice.

      Which reminds me of a hilarious story about Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) when he was a young lad working as a typesetter for a printer . . . .

      • slipstream says:

        Apprentices to printers at that time were called “printer’s devils” . . . possibly because of this story.

        Clemens was assigned to set into type the handwritten sermon which a prominent pastor had preached the previous Sunday. The sermon didn’t quite fit into the space allotted for it. So, following his training, Clemens looked for a phrase which occurred frequently and could be abbreviated. “Jesus Christ” occurred frequently in the sermon.

        Clemens abbreviated it to “J. Christ.” The sermon, with this abbreviation, fit into the space.

        The publisher was mightily displeased, and told Clemens in no uncertain terms that this was one name which was NEVER to be abbreviated. He sent Clemens back to set the type again.

        So Clemens dutifully went back and set the type again. And this time the sermon read at every single occurrence of the phrase: “Jesus H. Christ.”

  9. Isn’t there a risk of permanent brain injury if you keep reading this stuff? You know, like serial concussions? Isn’t Palin’s writing a lot like being blind-sided by a 300 pound outside linebacker, moving at speed? It’s seriously bad for you.

    WC urges you to put the book to good use by burning it in your woodstove, and saving the risk of serious disability. Oh, and here’s another two aspirin…

  10. carol says:

    enough already. I vote that your job is thru, you needn’t finish reading and writing about this carp. (yeah, that’s how I spelled it.)

  11. AKblue says:

    “If the world could be described as truly ‘survival of the fittest,’ why would people collectively be stricken with a spirit of generosity in December?”
    Having grown up in a southern state, I may have a clue as to what this means. We would watch the country music shows where guests would sing about honky-tonking, running around with the best friend’s spouse, lying, cheating, you name it. Then at the end of the show the singers would get quiet, the lights would dim, and they would sing their hearts out about Jesus.
    Same with Sarah. Be greedy, kick the poor around, then get all quiet and generous at Christmas. Yee haw!

  12. Kat Jamison says:

    Holy Batwing, Jeanne! You’ve just wittily saved me hours, if not days, of agonizing head-banging and trips to the psychiatric ward, not to mention several vodka-fueled f-bomb moments! Although that last part really does make it sound like I’m missing out on something.

    Might be time to reconsider reading … nah. I’ve already been saved, multiple times! Guess this time, I’m being saved from a form of self-harm! You’ve also saved my dad too, although he doesn’t know it yet!

    Good reviews like this keep me informed while sparing me the grisly venture into Dark Territory myself. I guess that means I won’t be a good and true Christian or Alaskan this year. Not in the sense Sarah would have me think I am!

    I wonder whether to go hang my head in shame or shout Thank You to the heavens. Bows to you, and a round of hearty laughter to counterpoint Palin’s humdrum conundrums.

  13. benlomond2 says:

    I don’t know…. sometimes you just have to walk away from some things that just aren’t worth the pain…… :)

    • mike from iowa says:

      I’ll bet more true Christmas romances have started with those very words. Merry Enjoyable Festivities to you and yours and your garden. ps-raggits and deers and squirrels all get coal in their stockings.

  14. Jamie says:

    I will not pay good hard earned money for this tripe (her book) but instead went to amazon and clicked on the book that allows a sneak peek. And seriously was not surprised that she just does not get her own irony. I mean, she writes an entire book about how liberals, Jews, etc etc everybody but good Christians has ruined Christmas by taking the true meaning out of the day while she spends the entire intro (or what I could stomach) yammering on and on about presents! Who bought what piece of violent crap for whom and how that (buying violent crap for each other) – not to mention the supposed adult in the room forcing everyone to play her damn game until SHE won (taking away coveted gifts from the little children) – was what Christmas was all about. *sigh*

    Does she even once mention Trig? Or is it all about Tripp. Whatever happened to her own son Trig?

    Thank you so much, Jeanne, for getting into this and reviewing it for us all with such wit and wisdom. And wishing you and your family the very best, most joyous holiday season. xo

  15. aaqooauk says:

    someone should find out how many woman works for todd,sarah is the first and she wont be the last,

  16. mike from iowa says:

    Oh please, make it stop. I’m wishing for a drive-by,second hand disembowlment for Christmas. Instead of being nailed to the cross,she should have been placed en brochette,where the sun don’t shine. You know-like the angel on top of the X-Mas tree.

  17. Krubozumo Nyankoye says:

    Good time to stop reviewing, aren’t you about half way through?

  18. AKMagpie says:

    Oh AKM, my admiration for you knows no bounds. The sacrifice you make forcing yourself to slog through this drivel for our benefit. Sainthood is surely on the horizon. Alaska strong and brave, indeed. Adult beverages all around, with time out to shovel off the deck again. Thank you for providing us with the absolute best of book reviews!

  19. Alaska Pi says:

    oh jeez.
    Poor AKM- this one sounds worse than all the other whatzername “books” by quite a bit.

    Dear whatzername-
    Look hon, you have a dictionary somewhere.
    Go look up :
    meagre/ meager

    adj.
    1. Deficient in quantity, fullness, or extent; scanty.
    2. Deficient in richness, fertility, or vigor; feeble: the meager soil of an eroded plain.
    3. Having little flesh; lean.
    http://www.thefreedictionary.com/meagre
    Think about it, dear. It is a lovely word . Especially as relates to you
    ——————————
    Happy Holidays, whatzername! Mike’s singing your song!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZRxxTbcFOU

    ( Forgive me Buddy, I know you didn’t write this for whatzername, but you did write it with her ilk in mind
    (miss you my friend) )

  20. LA Brian says:

    Gatorade and vodka, eh? I can tell you’re in it for endurance, Ms. Devon. Good On You!

  21. bubbles says:

    heaven help us everyone. the stooopid is deadly.

  22. RipleyInCT says:

    Oh no, Jeanne. I just came up with a Christmas joke, a la Mrs. Atrocity herself.

    What’s the difference between Palin and Pain?

    (I know what you’re thinking—NOTHING! But that’s not the answer… how would it be a Christmas joke if that was the answer?)

    Answer: Noel.

    Ba-dum-dum

    • Jeanne Devon says:

      Yes, that’s the one to which I was referring, and linked. Dan Savage. See first several paragraphs of above post.

  23. bonefish says:

    No. nononoono, Jeanne, please just leave it as we can’t manage even your translation. argh

  24. mike from iowa says:

    Gotta admit,I get choked up,too. From bile-listening to her words,not sentimentality

  25. RipleyInCT says:

    instead of “Their open disdain for the gays” in atrocity #4, I prefer “teh ghey” myself. ;-)

  26. Zyxomma says:

    Ah, Jeanne, I’m so glad you’re reading this so I’ll never have to hurt my brain in such a violent manner. That said, I really wouldn’t worry about finishing on time. The end of Christmas is celebrated on January 6th, known as Epiphany, Three Kings Day, and other names. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany_(holiday)

    That said, I just KNOW you’ll finish in time for Christmas.

Leave A Comment

%d bloggers like this: