Palin’s ‘Mazin’ ‘Murrika!
“Git red, wiiiiiiild, and blue, Merrika!”
Thus spake the cartoon of a parody of a cartoon that used to be Alaska’s half-term governor, and the Vice Presidential nominee on the Republican Party ticket.
Once, as much as Alaskans were horrified by it, the rest of the nation stood in awe watching the sparkly, mavericky mother of five take her place in the klieg lights, delivering a powerhouse speech that turned her into a household name overnight. She was, for a few hours, America’s new kickass sweetheart and future first female Vice President. She roared onto the stage and breathed life into the twitching corpse of the John McCain campaign. Until she suffocated it with a pillow.
Now, like a junkie for attention, there is no depth to which our fearless half-term leader will not sink in her futile quest for that elusive first high. Narcissism is a brutal master.
Sure, everyone would like to ignore her, but you can’t ignore something when it’s STANDING IN FRONT OF A GIGANTIC B-DAZZLED AMERICAN FLAG! That’s right patriots – FREEDOM IN YOUR FACE – complete with bony-knuckled, fist pumping action!
We’ve learned a lesson here, so take notes. If you lose your bid to become VP, you could hunker down, learn some foreign policy, read a couple years worth of Economist back issues, mend fences, and build alliances.
Nah, that’s for suckers.
The real lesson is that if you can’t be VP, you can just be “The First Lady of the Outdoors.” That’s actually in quotes because they said it on the commercial for Palin’s new TV show on the Sportsman’s Channel. Really.
In 30 seconds (that feel like a stifling, soul-scorching eternity), we get:
- Dog mushing
- Sniping something on a lake with a 50 Caliber Sniper rifle used for anti-vehicle, anti-personnel activities at extreme distances./li>
- Stout camouflage-y vehicles with large textured wheels racing in dirt
- Zip lines over bodies of water
- More shooting (pew pew pew!)
- Man with testosterone voice in fur hat and red cape exclaiming, “That was WILD!”
- The “man cave of all man caves,” including severed animal heads, and a man in a large indoor archery gallery impaling a styrofoam deer.
- A duck call – perhaps an homage to spiritual warrior Phil Robertson
- More shooting
- Sweaty, body-slamming wrestlers and the text “NEVER BACK DOWN!”
And what would a show about freedom be without a bunch of angry bulls chasing down fleeing morans until they get one? Nothing, that’s what.
“This show is going to highlight the FREEDOM we get to experience in America!” Clench that fist, Sarah! Are you ready?
Don’t answer that!