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October 23, 2014

Palin’s ‘Mazin’ ‘Murrika!

“Git red, wiiiiiiild, and blue, Merrika!”

Thus spake the cartoon of a parody of a cartoon that used to be Alaska’s half-term governor, and the Vice Presidential nominee on the Republican Party ticket.

Once, as much as Alaskans were horrified by it, the rest of the nation stood in awe watching the sparkly, mavericky mother of five take her place in the klieg lights, delivering a powerhouse speech that turned her into a household name overnight. She was, for a few hours, America’s new kickass sweetheart and future first female Vice President. She roared onto the stage and breathed life into the twitching corpse of the John McCain campaign. Until she suffocated it with a pillow.

Now, like a junkie for attention, there is no depth to which our fearless half-term leader will not sink in her futile quest for that elusive first high. Narcissism is a brutal master.

Sure, everyone would like to ignore her, but you can’t ignore something when it’s STANDING IN FRONT OF A GIGANTIC B-DAZZLED AMERICAN FLAG! That’s right patriots – FREEDOM IN YOUR FACE – complete with bony-knuckled, fist pumping action!

We’ve learned a lesson here, so take notes. If you lose your bid to become VP, you could hunker down, learn some foreign policy, read a couple years worth of Economist back issues, mend fences, and build alliances.

Nah, that’s for suckers.

The real lesson is that if you can’t be VP, you can just be “The First Lady of the Outdoors.” That’s actually in quotes because they said it on the commercial for Palin’s new TV show on the Sportsman’s Channel. Really.

In 30 seconds (that feel like a stifling, soul-scorching eternity), we get:

  • Dog mushing
  • Sniping something on a lake with a 50 Caliber Sniper rifle used for anti-vehicle, anti-personnel activities at extreme distances./li>
  • Stout camouflage-y vehicles with large textured wheels racing in dirt
  • Zip lines over bodies of water
  • More shooting (pew pew pew!)
  • Man with testosterone voice in fur hat and red cape exclaiming, “That was WILD!”
  • The “man cave of all man caves,” including severed animal heads, and a man in a large indoor archery gallery impaling a styrofoam deer.
  • A duck call – perhaps an homage to spiritual warrior Phil Robertson
  • More shooting
  • Sweaty, body-slamming wrestlers and the text “NEVER BACK DOWN!”

And what would a show about freedom be without a bunch of angry bulls chasing down fleeing morans until they get one? Nothing, that’s what.

“This show is going to highlight the FREEDOM we get to experience in America!” Clench that fist, Sarah! Are you ready?

Don’t answer that!

Comments

comments

Comments
26 Responses to “Palin’s ‘Mazin’ ‘Murrika!”
  1. PJC says:

    This looks more like a Jackass Movie than an outdoor show.

  2. laurainnocal says:

    Why doe this person “keep stop not going away?” That my friends is verbatim from a hysterical first account article I read in the NYer many years ago about bed bugs.

  3. mike from iowa says:

    Palin is an expert,alright. Ex as in has been,spurt as in the last gasp of a hose.

  4. mag the mick says:

    I lived in Alaska for 26 years, and never once road on a snow machine or a dogsled. I did get to see Eric Clapton, Los Lobos, and Mikhail Baryshnikov’s dance company in concert, heard lectures by Jane Goodall and Richard Leaky, and ate some world-class Thai and Japanese food. Though I’ve long ago retired and moved back to my home state, I still get kind of offended when people such as our former half-term governor claim these huntin’ and fishin’ stereotypes as being what “real Alaskans” do. Actually, I used to se La Quitteria quite regularly in the Nordstroms in Anchorage. And I see her often at the Scottsdale Nordstoms here in my home state as well. She can run, but she can’t hide. She can’t shoot neither.

  5. mike from iowa says:

    Fred is dead. That’s what I said. Phelps bit the big one,I hope it bit him back.

  6. I See Villages From My House says:

    Ever since she saw her ex-brother-in-law take a nose dive into the gravel trying to impress a bachelorette on a reality television show about Alaska Men, Sarah’s been wantin prime time for herself, for nothing can sate that hunger to feed her ego.

    Even in that article, she stays true to form, insulting anyone and everyone that shines brighter than her for moment. Whether you are John Kerry with a long face, or her family, she couldn’t help but turn Jack into a furniture salesman.

    PERSONAL

    Palin’s Brother-In-Law Appeared on Reality Dating Show. Lt. Gov. candidate Sarah Palin thought it might help her campaign when brother-in-law Jack McCann showed up as a desirable catch on the new “reality” TV show, “Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska.” That hope lasted until she actually saw an episode of the series, which turns out to be your basic meat market twitch & grin. “Oh Lord,” she said. “My sisters and I watched it in horror.” Jack, who is scheduled to appear again even though he crashed a mountain bike in the first episode, is pretty cute and has a sense of humor, Sarah reports. “He described his occupation . . . as an office environment consultant,” she said.
    “He sells furniture.”

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/greg-mitchell/the-democratic-dossier-on_b_123387.html

  7. Alaska Pi says:

    ok. I had to go watch that trailer. Nothing makes me laugh like whatzername yapping about “freedom”.
    Never noticed it before (or maybe it’s new?) but what’s up with her ‘mazin’ accent on both syllables of “freedom”? I have long puzzled over her instant-NON-Alaskan accent which popped up at VP tapping time which has just gotten sillier as time goes on…
    Somehow , I think “freedom” resides somewhere other than in spending a bunch o money to run around in fancy duds and buy expensive leisure toys. And I guess I’m sorta running up against my own educational background and my notions of what Plato meant by the “good’, “leisure” and the like in relation to a buncha folks whooping it up blazing away at styrofoam critters and the like.
    Mr Havens evoked ( and invoked ) a more solid and meaningful sense of what freedom might be and I’m gonna go wash whatzername’s horsepunky off with it

  8. slipstream says:

    I hear tell them stryofoam deer make mighty fine eating.

    Course you have to be the kind of manly skilled hunter who can sneak up on one without it spookin’, ’cause they’re super skitterish.

    • Alaska Pi says:

      ;-D
      like 10K times

    • mike from iowa says:

      Word of caution-styrofoam deer have no nutritional value,you can’t grill them-they melt,don’t bother looking for backstraps-they ain’t in there and most of all remember,if you ain’t gonna eat it ,don’t shoot it. Goes for humans,too,unless you plan on eating them. Shooting animals is the new religion. It makes them holey,but does nothing for their souls.

    • COalmostNative says:

      And another 10K likes from me ;-D

  9. GoBig says:

    Barf. First lady of stupid would be a better handle for her. I saw that dufus try to shoot a caribou on here last show. She is a total fraud.

  10. Jag24 says:

    It was about 20 years ago and around a cool, crisp Veteran’s Day weekend, I was out with a boyfriend and I actually said to him that I was going to get “red, wild, and blue” for him. We had a very fun motorcycle ride with plenty of detours going to Girdwood. We made terrible jokes about me claiming my right to bear arms (guess *what* I was holding as he bared his weapon!) and about freedom of expression and I “waved my right to remain silent” as we played with handcuffs in our room at a condo he’d rented for a few days.

    The condo in which we were staying had lots of stuffed, once living animal heads. He wasn’t a hunter and he made me dinner and I proposed a toast to the unseen host “who uses antlers in all of his decorating!”(We referred to him as Gaston!) Humvees had just come out (WAR had one with his initials on it!) and there were a few out there and I’d double over whenever I saw one, claiming to have just ovulated.

    Why am I telling you this? My boyfriend and I were being goofy and silly. It was over 20 years ago and we were being stupid and we knew it. We laughed. We said things and giggled because “no one would even say these things for a bad porn flick!” Those few days were full of fun, sex as often as we could do it, and bad puns.

    Now I am reading your article and it’s my former governor who is saying these things that are really close to what was said by a couple of sauced college kids, and she is serious! I am glad that you triggered my “red, wild, and blue weekend” where I thanked a vet for his service, but I am astounded that the ex gov is trying to trump herself up such cliches. I wonder if she has horny college interns from Glen Beck’s college writing her scripts.

    • Jag24 says:

      Oh, and I also had a “bush pilot” get lost and spend a lot of time you know. . . Does Halvsie too, also have a “bush” pilot?

  11. Moles says:

    This is one time when I really appreciate the tyranny of distance.

  12. Zyxomma says:

    The only cable in my home is for so-called high-speed internet. TV’s broadcast, so no Sportsmans Channel. Not that I’d watch. Pity the poor fools who do.

  13. Really? says:

    Thank you for deciphering the commercial. I hope you didn’t have to watch to it too many times.

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