Putin Snubs Alaska – Not Invasion-Worthy
You can finally stop scanning the horizon with binoculars from your porch, Alaska. Turns out Vladimir Putin doesn’t want us. At least that’s what he’s claiming in front of the cameras.
The Russian President and former KGB agent participated in an annual televised call-in show, where he answered questions from viewers on a wide range of topics. One of those callers asked Putin if he had any plans to “acquire Alaska.”
Apparently Vlad does not find the 49th state invasion worthy.
“What would you need Alaska for?” Putin asked, reminding viewers that even though Russia had sold off Alaska on the cheap back in the 19th century, the region was too cold for his liking. “We live in a northern country, 70 percent of our territory is in the north,” Putin said. “Alaska’s also the north. So let’s not get excited.”
Excuse me? We’re too cold? You’re the one who couldn’t wait to unload us for some pocket change in the 1800s.
And we get that you’re not “excited” about same-latitude unions. Message received.
(Cue Gloria Gaynor)
The point is that you dumped us for easy cash a long, long time ago, Vladimir. And we’ve grown since then. Our days of being a whimpering little cast-off are finished, our shattered self-esteem has mended, and we’re over you. We deserve better.
Our new federal government actually appreciates us. Yeah, we have some issues with commitment (can you blame us?), but we’re staying… for now.
And please take note that our new government gives us more money per capita than any of the other 49 states; we’ve got a line of suitors clamoring to drill baby drill; we’ve got the largest deposit of rare earth minerals outside your little buddy “China;” and we have more salmon than you. So put that on a cracker, Vlad.
That’s right. We don’t want your tigers, and beet soup, and stupid fur hats anyway.
As a matter of fact, we think we’ve pretty much got it all covered.
So go play with all your little former Soviet friends, or some opposite-latitude island somewhere. Because to be honest, we’re really not that into you anymore. And we suspect they’re not either.