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October 25, 2014

We All Need a Tweditor – Palin Edition

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Before we begin:

WHY must you continue writing about HER, you demand to know.
PLEASE stop giving her attention, you insist.
As soon as you pretend she’s not there, she will evaporate into the ether, you delude yourself.

I plead guilty to a personal, professional, and morbid fascination with the enduring social and political impact of the trainwreck from Wasilla. Some people are really into sports, or photograph their lunch, or amuse themselves by taking Facebook quizzes to find out what color aura of what punk rock band’s totem animal they are, or other ultimately inconsequential hobbies. And as long as cable news studios in New York and DC—from MSNBC to Fox—use Sarah Palin as a chew toy, I will resist the notion that I’m obligated to ignore the circus when I can practically see it from my house. I’m just going to wait until my editor lays down the law. Wait, that’s me.

Now let’s get on to the business of not winning a Pulitzer. You can run along if you’ve had enough. I understand.

Oh, and I’m the blue aura of The Sex Pistols’ totem desert iguana… if you were wondering.

ANCHORAGE, AK—After She Who Makes Sounds With Her Mouth shrieked something about impeachment this week, one of her offspring rose to her feet in rousing support of her mother’s idiocy. It was the offspring named either for the bay of salmon, or the Connecticut home of ESPN (depending on Mama Grizzly’s story du jour) aka Bristol who echoed the call for a coup d’état.

BristolTweetYou may or may not agree with our two political scholars’ proposed course of action. I’ll leave that to you. But one thing I noticed while visiting the Twitter profile of The Least Credible Abstinence Spokeswoman in History – Bristol’s tweets are “edited by Nancy French.”

When a message of 140 characters is too steep a linguistic mountain to scale, bring on the Palin family ghostwriter, I say! Why, she’ll turn pablum into nonsense and back again before you can say, “wait…wut?”

NFbooks

Palin, Inc. retained French (or shall we call her “Freedom?”) to pen literary masterworks like the unintentionally hilarious Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting The Heart of Christmas, which I read so you wouldn’t have to. See my vodka-soaked chapter-by-chapter analysis here. She also was the literary tour-de-force and moral center behind Bristol’s own “book” called Not Afraid of Life which details her journey into motherhood, launched from a tent campout weekend supervised only by her future baby daddy Levi Johnston, and a couple gents called Bartles, and James™.

The morally erect Mrs. French seems to have a rather severe irony deficiency, given who her most famous clients are:

Frenchtweet

Awkward silence.

Oh, not YOU, Bristol and Levi. Not you. Your non-marriage is the stuff of literary masterwork, and French’s paycheck, not cultural decay.

You know, of course, how this goes. When a young woman of color has a baby out of wedlock, she is resented as a spiritually flawed drain on society, and Exhibit A for why our nation’s once-stellar moral character is circling the drain. When an unmarried conservative white girl shows up with a bun in the oven, she is to be commended for her “commitment to life” and her bravery. She don’t need no baby daddy albatross around her neck, or any “entitlements” either – well, other than her last name, and the wealth and power of her parents, and an invitation to Dancing with the Stars, and a ghostwriter for her book, and the financial support of a nationwide abstinence campaign.

I mean, let’s face it. If those other people wanted to not contribute to the decay, they should just get married to… whoever. And if they won’t play ball and save society, then they should just go be on Dancing With the Stars too. Or are they just LAZY?

 

Comments

comments

Comments
11 Responses to “We All Need a Tweditor – Palin Edition”
  1. COalmostNative says:

    Perhaps French’s brain is fried from one too many translation of Palin Wordsalad. Oops, indeed

  2. AK_South says:

    Shame on you. You did NOT post a “Put down the cup before reading” warning at the top of this post. You now owe me for a new, dry, keyboard. :-)
    (Not that many things I read actually do make me “Laugh Out Loud,” but this one really did! Thank you so much!)

  3. mike from iowa says:

    Open letter to Sow Grizzly,Palin,

    Put the Red Bull down and slowly back away. You need to double or triple your body weight to make it through the rigors of another year of doing nothing. At this time of the season,you are supposed to be eating grubs and berries and carrion and all the fish you can catch while teaching your cubs to do the same. Can’t live off handouts from humans forever,you know. You become too dependent on others and that is not a sow grizzly’s way,now is it,Missy? Or maybe it is just for exceptional sow grizzlies and their exceptional offspring. Anyway,I’m glad we had this chat. Next time please stand upwind. That ratty looking fur coat you wear smells like you’ve been living in it for ages. Please feel free to growl at me whenever. Don’t forget me,I’m mike from iowa. I enjoy a fierce growl now and then. Oh look. There goes a baby animal. Quick catch it and scarf it down before your cubs get wind of it. You need the calories..

  4. leota2 says:

    I am of the mind that Nancy French is trolling the Palins.
    Of course they have absolutely no idea that she is doing it and keep
    paying her.

    My favorite one was when French (as Bristol) chastised the President
    telling him that he should be a better father to his girls. You know–don’t listen
    to them about marriage equality. That one made me laugh so hard because
    what would Bristol know about someone being a good father? She kept Levi
    away from his son and if Todd was as good a father as everyone said
    he would have removed his children from their psychopathic mother.

  5. aussiebluesky says:

    I see you have only one lonely troll left, AKM. I hope you’re not thinking of domesticating it. My advice would be to have it stuffed. There’ll be a museum dedicated to Sarah one day; imagine how warm and fuzzy you’ll feel about the tax deduction as you donate your stuffed troll trophy.

    • Beaglemom says:

      Last month we visited Denmark and while touring the cathedral in Roskilde we saw a crypt for the Troll family, a noble Danish family that dates back to the 12th century. The family must really have been an important one because family members were buried in the cathedral along with Danish kings and queens and their offspring of many centuries. Around the crypt is beautiful iron grillwork featuring, of course, a troll complete with pointy shoes and funny hat.

  6. AlaskaCodPiece says:

    AKM: Why are no bloggers or media as-king/commenting on why $arah (R-Facebook) isn’t endorsing any Alaska candidates? Isn’t anyone noticing and finding it curious that $creech is not injecting herself in the Alaska races? It would be hilarious to hear the half term half wit try to squirm and spew her way out of that question by FOX.

    $he is all over the L48 endorsin’ all over the place and making (minimal) donations to candidates.
    We have two huge upcoming elections in Alaska for governor and US Senator yet not a peep or tweet from the Twit.

    Golly, when $he Quit she said she “could do more for Alaska” out of the GINO office.
    Bwhahahahaha

  7. Alaska Pi says:

    Oh dear. An editor for young Ms Palin’s tweets?
    Someone who had a hand in that awful whatzername takedown of Christmas? Yech!

    AKM-
    I’ll read anything about whatzername you write.
    You got me through some dark days with your humor and deft handling of the mess she became but I gotta say I don’t *get* the totem aura punk band dealie. ‘Course I never really got punk rock either. I was too busy listening to Tom Waits . Still am…

    Hey whatzername of phony religious gobbeldegook, Mr Waits has a song for you !

  8. RipleyInCT says:

    LOL.. rest assured I did not miss the Freedom Fry reference. Thanks for that.

    The entirety of the rest is smack dab on target.

    I am purple Dead Kennedys wombat. ;-)

  9. Zyxomma says:

    $arah who?

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