AAACK! It’s Election Season in Alaska Again

I know it’s a dressing room in the comic… but for this it’s a voting booth.

Originally published on ADN.com 

When I was growing up my dad had a secretary. Her name was Cathy, and it was during the era of the “Cathy” comic strip. I was pretty sure it was written about her. I thought she was wonderful. She had awesome permed hair and those glasses that were pink on the bottom and blue on the top with a sparkly butterfly in the lower corner.

Cathy had something to figure out. How to program her VCR to record shows. Because of the digital video recorder, there is an entire generation who doesn’t understand how many of us lived for decades with a green blinking “12:00” in our living rooms. Cathy loved soap operas and romance novels. I suppose it was the predictability of the story. No matter how many years between times you accidentally watched “As The Days Of Our Lives Turn,” nothing changed. The same blonde lady was either having a dream or in a coma or had become twins, and you were pretty sure she was about to land the really handsome guy who had amnesia, another girlfriend, or both.

Cathy would have loved Alaskan politics. It’s the same crazy over and over and if consistency is important to you, the Republican Party delivers. Oh, it’s not a particularly riveting storyline, there’s no depth or exploration of plot. To misquote a bumper-sticker, it’s “The Same Crap, Different Day.”

So here are some highlights from the latest episode of “The Not So Guiding Light.”

The Department of the Redundancy Department is deciding who to run for Alaska’s U.S. Senate Race. Dan Sullivan? Another one? Isn’t there a limit on how many bad politicians with that name have to be thrust upon us? It’s like the plot of the diabolical twins where you can’t tell which is a good one or if they are both bad. I keep track with descriptions attached like, “Ohio Dan” and “Worst Mayor Ever Dan.” It seems to help.

I’m guessing the Republican Party of Alaska decided the only way they were going to make Lisa Murkowski look likable was to put Dan Sullivan on the ticket with her. Good luck with that. His challenge must feel a bit awkward since Lisa supported the losing Sullivan ticket for governor last year.

Current Anchorage Rep. Craig Johnson decided to run in a race that should be called the Natasha and Boris face-off. That’s right, Jeff Landfield and Natasha Von Imhof now have that bastion of political brilliance in their race. Oh, seems Johnson forgot to mention his intentions in time to get anything but an AOGA placeholder to run for his soon-to-be-vacated seat. The entertainment value of this race is worth a squint. Mr. Landfield has the tagline, “Make Alaska Great Again.” We can only hope.

Fairbanks has a race to watch. Sen. John Coghill, one of several self-appointed uterus cops who loves oil companies, has a fantastic challenger in Luke Hopkins. Luke isn’t insane, which makes this election hopeful. I know. That’s how low the bar is, so here’s hoping voters can clear it. Hopkins has been elected mayor of the Fairbanks North Star Borough and is no stranger to voters.

The Anchorage Hillside Senate seat debates should be a pay-per-view event. I’m not kidding. Sen. Cathy Giessel debating Vince Beltrami will be epic. Vince has been elected president of the AFL-CIO a few times and has boots on the ground. Folks should realize what a sacrifice he is making in running for this important seat because it will cut into his fly fishing this summer. Thank you, Vince. Giessel’s brand of crazy has hurt Alaska long enough.

Here’s one thing that may send you back to “Gavel to Gavel” reruns. Anchorage Sen. Johnny Ellis is retiring after 30 years of service to our state. He has always been the grown-up in the room, and it is hard to imagine what next year will be like without him. He’s like the Erica Kane of our Legislature. Thirty years! A guy named Steve Cowper was governor then. As much as we will miss Ellis’s thoughtful introduction of laws, his sweet smile and fabulous eyebrows were a go-to every episode.

So darlings, tune out for a bit, go fishing, have some company visit, count your mosquito bites, and when the fireweed has blooms to the top of the stalk, tune back into our never-ending soap opera.

Comments

comments