Palin Won’t Release Amount of Gifts Because It’s a Secret! Shhhhh…..
It an amazing display of a different kind of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” the Palins when asked to disclose how much the gifts Todd Palin receives from Arctic Cat (his sponsor for the Iron Dog snowmachine race) are worth, and they replied with silence. They “can’t” tell us. (looking around furtively and whispering in your ear) It’s a secret.
That’s right, gifts which could, according to sources, be worth in excess of $20,000 for the year 2008 alone are a “trade secret” according to the governor’s personal attorney, Thomas Van Flein. These gifts include snowmachine(s) and “any discounts offered on wear.” What is this secret discount on equipment and clothing? 10% off? 40% off? 75% off? They can’t tell. Sorry.
Let’s play a little imagination game. Ready?
Let’s say I come up with a brilliant little gizmo called the MudMachine. It’s pretty spiffy, and it goes really fast. Everyone in Alaska thinks it totally cool and really wants one. But, alas, the MudMachine costs about $10,000. That’s a fat chunk of change for your average Joe. And let’s say that it’s a couple years from now, and our current governor is a sportscaster for Fox News, and we have a brand new governor. Let’s call him…. Governor Pohalcrowitz. Now, I, as the creator of the MudMachine happen to know that Mrs. Pohalcrowitz has her eye on one. You see, she enters the prestigious MudDog race every year, and she even won last time which is pretty darned impressive. All eyes will be upon her this time.
Suddenly I am struck with a brilliant idea.
I pick up the phone and give her a call. “Let’s do coffee,” I say. Over an espresso, I explain to our first lady, that I can get her a pretty good deal on a MudMachine. As a matter of fact, when I tell her that she gets a 99.9% discount on two machines and all the leather MudWear she can handle, she actually spits her coffee. She is incredulous.
“Well,” I say. It depends on how many of your children want the MudWear, but the whole thing should come to ….about $200. And I assume the governor is going to be there at the start of the race?” She nods energetically and assures me that he will. “And he’s going to be on TV, right? And doing a big article for Sports Illustrated? And he’s going to be at all sorts of Alaskan outdoor events, correct?”
“Absolutely!” Mrs. Pohalcrowitz tells me. I can see in her eyes that she’s already imagining what her friends are going to say when she pulls up in her custom outfit on a brand new hot pink MudMachine, with her kids by her side, and her husband the Governor in his matching outfit.
“And you don’t even have to give them back,” I try to clarify the deal. “If you wanted to just pass them on to the governor when you’re done with them, we can give you new ones next year.”
Her eyes light up. “He’d really like that.”
“I just happen to have the paperwork right here,” say I, as I pull the contract out of my bag. I click the pen and hand it over. She scrawls her name on the dotted line. Now, I’m the one with the far away look… This is going to be awesome for blog traffic, I think to myself. And I can put a picture of the Pohalcrowitz family in the gallery. Heck, I can even put it in the sidebar right at the top. And when everyone sees those outfits with WWW.THEMUDFLATS.NETon the back, and the Brian logo on the pocket, they’re going to come check it out. And they’re going to want lots of stuff from the shop too… and of course, when they decide to get a MudMachine, they’re going to want one of mine… Yup, this is going to be awesome.
“Now, wait a minute though….” she says. The look on her face has quickly shifted and it almost seems like a mild panic has set in. I snap out of my reverie as she asks, “Is this legal? Somehow it doesn’t seem right. Won’t people see through this?”
“Not a chance. You know what we’re going to do? We’re going to say that we can’t tell them how much it’s worth because….” I can’t help chuckling… ‘It’s a secret‘”
“Are you serious? Can we do that?” she says in disbelief.
“Absolutely. It’s been done before. Remember ol’….what’s her name? Sarah Palin?”
“Oh, yeah…. I’ve tried to forget about her.”
“I know. Haven’t we all?” I sympathize. “But they got away with it in that whole Arctic Cat debacle, remember?” She nods. “Now what size are you, and how many jackets will you be needing? Do you want the logo to be the same color as the one on the MudMachine? That would be so hot.”
And we all live happily ever after.
So, if Todd Palin is riding around on a $10,000 snowmachine in the Iron Dog Race, and he’s been training on another $10,000 snowmachine, and his entire family is decked out in Arctic Cat “wear” with their names on it, and he gets a 99% discount, that’s perfectly fine, according to the governor. We don’t need to know. We CAN’T know. Top secret stuff, that is.
And to continue the legal squirmings about why the public doesn’t have the right to know this, the Alaska statues that they say support this claim are part of the statutes written to support the Alaska Gasline Inducement Act (AGIA).
Mr. Van Flein gets points for creativity, but will they get away with it? Stay tuned for another episode of “You Can’t Make This Up Theatre.”