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May 21, 2018

Cruz to Wasilla

Fueled by Jitters coffee and a sugar cookie the size of a frisbee, I was as ready as I was ever going to be. I and two companions were on a political road trip north to the Valley. As we arrived in Wasilla, a small plane flew laps over the AT&T sports center, towing a sign that read “Sullivan for Senate.” In a media market filled to capacity with political ads, this apparently was the only air time left. Inside, Toby Keith, Neil Diamond, Eminem, Corey Hart, and an unlikely play list of songs presumably chosen for themes of freedom, America,…

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The Naked Baker Must Go

If you are a Mudflats reader, you know him as The Naked Baker. Bill Stoltze may have earned his moniker by his unfortunate hobby of baking cookies for charity auctions in the nude, but sadly this is not the most horrifying thing about this Alaska legislator. Stoltze figured heavily into the book I co-authored, “Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin” (with Frank Bailey and Ken Morris, Simon & Schuster, 2011), for something worse. He was the force behind the coordination of the 2006 Sarah Palin for Governor campaign, and the Republican Governor’s Association then headed by Mitt Romney. Sounds important, like…

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Krazy Kampaign Ad Alert! Again!

Um. Really? This weird/disturbing/moronic ad for No on 1 makes just about as much sense as giving billions from Alaska’s treasury to the wealthiest corporations in history, with no promise of more jobs, exploration, or production. In other words, it makes as much sense as voting No on 1. Most of Alaska’s hard-working men and women who actually own the oil in this state don’t have “an assistant.” But I’m sure the gratuitous tattooed cleavage, chainsaw and black panties will appeal to the rocket scientists who think giving away the farm makes good business sense. Way to go, guys. (And yeah,…

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Palin’s Going “Rogue” TV

I know what you’re thinking when you make your daily pilgrimage to Sarah Palin’s Facebook page. You stare at your screen with a Crunch Wrap Supreme and Diet Redbull clicking “refresh” compulsively, waiting to be the first to capture the lustrous pearls of wisdom that fall like glistening acid raindrops from the unhinged jaw of the former half governor. You think to yourself, “If only I could capture this experience on video!” Seeing a picture of word salad just isn’t the same as being able to watch and listen. Printed words don’t deliver the jutting jaw, the pursed lips, that…

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The Enemies of Mandela

You can calculate the worth of a man by the number of his enemies – Gustave Flaubert  Usually I would let a couple days go by before writing something like this. But I wanted to get this on the record before Sunday when so often history is rewritten on the talk shows, and behind the pulpit. Mandela will be remembered as a hero, as one of the great leaders of any race, or from any country – and rightly so. Many people more well-informed and personally attached to this great man will write his obituaries. In this place, I want to…

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Good Tidings & Great Pain – A Palin Xmas, Ch. 1

Good tidings. Great joy! And the miracle of a baby’s birth. Not just a regular baby – the Prince of Peace, the Lamb of God. A baby who would grow into a man who communed with the poor, the outcasts, the wretched, the lost souls. A man who would save them, and heal them, and love them. A giver of second chances, and hope. A bringer of love, compassion, salvation and forgiveness. That’s what Sarah Palin’s book is all about, she says in the Introduction. “Good Tidings and Great Joy – Saving the Heart of Christmas.” It’s not about trivial…

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Mr. Balls vs. Fukuppy the Fukushima Egg

There are few things with as much facepalm potential as a complete branding or marketing fail. You know – the kind that somehow made it out of someone’s head, and through a marketing meeting, and a focus group, and senior management, and an advertising agency, and past a whole plethora of eyeballs without anyone noticing, or pointing out the obvious. But just this very month, there have been two failures that are so positively spectacular, and horrifying, and wrong, we simply had to share. We were compelled, and we apologize in advance. First, we head to Brazil, where a testicular…

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Three Dans Too Many

An invitation! We got an invitation! And it’s pink and blue and calligraphied all fancy-like! Are Mayor Dan Sullivan and Bill and Michelle Bittner going to have a baby? Are Dan Coffey and his wife Pauline going to get married again? No, wait. It’s an “announcement of great importance to the future of Anchorage.” Wow. Hold on just a second… We’re getting a Red Lobster?     Alas, no to all of the above. Instead, Dan Coffey, the former Assemblyman and Sullivan minion/mancrush, has decided to run for Mayor. Not really that surprising. You may recall Dan Coffey is the…

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Day 9 – The Puker Returns

I knew I’d forget one. I made a list of springtime indicators on yesterday’s post, and sure enough, I got a reminder. It’s not quite like robins, or bunnies, or adorable woodland creatures, but it probably involves one or more of them. I am speaking, of course, of the dog finding some half-frozen rotting carcass (aka yummy treat) melting out of the snow pack. A few years ago, she came home with a frozen-solid rabbit spine with two appendages still attached, so it looked like a big fuzzy “Y”. They say that insanity is repeating the same thing over and…

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What Febreze is Not Telling You

Febreeze, the product whose mission is to remove offensive odors from air and fabric, offers its products in a variety of sensual and indulgent fragrances like Sweet Citrus & Zest, Mediterranean Lavender, and Apple Spice & Comfort. Mmmmm. And now, there’s a new offering to delight your sniffer. “Alaskan Springtime” probably sounded good in some marketing meeting in a conference room at Proctor & Gamble headquarters in Cincinnati. “Alaska… That’s clean and refreshing, right?  Slap a picture of an Alpine dogwood on that can, and we’re good to go.” Voilà – “Alaskan Springtime,” or if you’re fancy, or Canadian, “Printemps…

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