The Mudflats

During the President’s Day recess from Congress, Don Young (R) was back in Alaska. And then, when the weekend was over, he went home to Washington D.C. Mudflatter J happened to be in the airport with him, and passed on this little tidbit.

I flew into Seattle yesterday with Mr. Young. Waiting in line to board he remarked to someone beside him that he was returning to “monkeyland”… I almost lost control when I heard this, but decided to not create a “situation.”

I was not impressed. What kind of person are we sending to DC on our behalf? I will work hard to see him defeated.

Gee. What might Congressman Young have meant by that?

I’ve tried and tried, but there’s really no way to actually describe Alaska Rep. Don Young. OK “idiot” works to a degree - but it’s so much more nuanced and complex than just simple idiocy.  Usually when confronted with the prospect of writing about Don Young, the best thing to do is just let him speak for himself. Watching an interview with him is fascinating. It’s like watching a chameleon, or one of those cuttlefish that change colors so fast you can hardly wrap your mind around what they were just doing before they’re on to something else. The problem with listening to him is that every once in a while he sounds like he’s making sense, just like a broken clock that is right twice a day.  And we grab on to that time because it makes sense, but then we find ourselves clinging to the hands of the clock while we hurtle into the netherworld of delusion, never quite sure how we got there.

So, buckle up.

Matt Felling got an opportunity he likely will never forget. This week, Lisa Murkowski was unavailable for her usual interview on the weekly segment  ”A View from the Hill,” and Felling got to sit down for a 20 minute in-studio interview with the man that we like to call Yon Dung – Congressman for All Alaska – the man who, in the face of mighty and compelling evidence to the contrary believes that a bolo tie with the Alaska State Flag, and his own signature monogrammed on his shirt make a positive and powerful statement of competence. 

I have partially transcribed the interview below. I pulled out the best bits. If you want the entire crazy cuttlefish experience you can play the whole thing.

On Alaska Statehood -
“I arrived here the year they voted for statehood, and I wasn’t over excited about that by the way, I have to say that. Had no idea I was going to be a congressman, but I came up here for the “last frontier” and I figured if we became a state we might lose that, and in a way we have – through legislation, and designation of lands and the restriction of use of state lands because of proximity to federal lands… but it’s been a great ride.”

Attention Alaska Natives.  Please note the bold section.  Don Young, your only elected official in the United States House of Representatives actually thinks that maybe it would have been better if we had not become a state, because it meant the “designation of lands.”  Alaska Native Land Claims Settlement Act anyone?  He’d rather not have had to deal with all that pesky “giving you rights to your land back” and stuff.  What an inconvenience.  And statehood?  Meh.  But gee, since we had to go and bee a state (eye roll) he may as well suck it up and be a congressman for 37 YEARS!  (Deep breath…)

On His Ties to Corruption and the Ongoing FBI Investigation -
“Well and you know, that’s old news. It’s been three years. I’m confident when I started I tried to explain that there’s nothing wrong. This is led by innuendos and uh, and by rumors. Um, if I didn’t believe I was totally innocent, I wouldn’t be running. Uh, but this is the way this system works. And so my job is to make sure the explanation when it is appropriate will be made, and we’ll see, you know, it’s what occurs and I just have to continue to stick my guns and make sure that I present my point of view in the sense that I’m not allowed to make any more comment that I just did.”

Why  has he spent millions of dollars on attorneys in the last two years?  Why is he being investigated by the FBI?  pfft…  That’s old news.

Is Congress Broken?
“… there are groups of people now that don’t want to be legislators. They just want the idea of power within their party. And I argue that isn’t necessarily good, because we’re not doing what we should be doing and we transfer more power to the executive branch. The executive branch gets stronger stronger through the ages it passed regulatory laws. Here in Alaska you’ve got the beluga listing of endangered species. That’s from a regulatory law, not from the act itself. And I go the the polar bear – that’s regulatory law. The Clean Air Act itself is from being use as a regulatory law because we don’t have the capability of putting it together to say “no more.” You know I’m surprised congress has and I’m going to actually been promoting this with I call “we can do it” party – stop funding these agencies when they’re doing things against the intent of the congress. That’s the way to solve this problem. We don’t fund them, they can’t do it.”

Sooo… if the EPA wants to regulate the Clean Air Act, or if we want to use the Endangered Species Act to protect belugas and polar bears, Don Young says we should just cut funding to the EPA?  Yeah, that’ll show ‘em.

On His Re-election -
“I know some people, even in Alaska, “Oh you gotta get rid of Don Young,” Ok, get rid of him. What have you got? Nothing. Because hostility will still be there only more so because I’m one of those people that do work together with people and will continue to do that.”

If there are any U.S. Representatives out there who want to talk to me about how Don Young is such a great uniter and even the Democrats want to keep him around, and how if he leaves everything is REALLY going to go to Hell, feel free to email me.  The way I see it, is if we get rid of Don Young, we’ve got Harry Crawford.  I can live with that.

On the Biggest Problem in Congress -
“Now, back East, we’ve gotten into this trap now – most people, frankly from the urban areas, now if you really want to know the truth, that’s the biggest problem of our congress. Most of the congressmen are elected from San Francisco, Miami, New York, Kansas City, Dallas, Houston, L.A. and Seattle. They have no concept what Alaska’s about or their own states as far as that goes. Now I feel sorry in California, I came from California originally, but they have elected a bunch of dodos in the congress because they don’t have any understanding of the state. They’re ruining that state. They’re about 22 billion dollars in the hole, and they’re driving business out right and left, not through taxation but they can’t do anything. And Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Terminator… he’s terminated the state of Alaska as far as I’m concerned. I just think it’s a terrible thing. and they lost contact with the people and that’s where the angst comes from with the Tea Party.”

Yes, you heard it here, the “biggest problem in congress” is…. representative democracy!

Matt Felling points out the concept of representative democracy-

“But that doesn’t keep democracy healthy. Most democracies have collapsed. Most social countries, countries that were empires collapsed because of the concentration of power in the urban areas because they have little knowledge of what’s going on on the outside. Check the Roman Empire. Why did the Roman Empire collapse?

#1 because they were the most intellectual group of people in the world at that time, as we were.

#2 – they got so intellectual they thought they didn’t have to grow their own food so they bought it, which we do.

#3 they didn’t have any workers cause they’re all intellectuals so they can imported workers.

#4 they didn’t have their army. They had mercenary armies so they ended up losing their empire collapsed because they stopped producing and that’s what this country is beginning to do – started about 35 years ago and if we don’t change that around there’s no way we’re going to get out of this morass.”

Nope, the Constitution as it lays out representative democracy doesn’t keep democracy healthy.  We’re all doomed because of all that book learnin’.  We’re just too damn smart.  If this is true, Rep. Young can rest assured he’ll be the last man on Earth.  It’s back to the fields for the rest of us.  Come on San Franciscans – put down your textbooks and start growing your own food. 

And let’s get rid of Black Water, our mercenary army….  Hey, wait a minute.  SEE?  I told you!  That’s one of those moments when the broken clock is showing the right time.  So, let’s leave it there.  Part II of Adventures with Don Young will be coming soon.

And should any of this have inspired you to part with a few bills in your wallet, here is a link to Harry Crawford’s website.  He’s a decent guy, a hard-worker, a great Alaskan with good ideas, a hand-shaker and a deal maker, and someone who gets along with people.  Anything you can throw his way brings us one step closer to ending the embarrassment.  CLICK HERE to help Harry give ‘em Hell!

Honey, Lemon or a flask of Jack Daniels?

Got an extra $350 burning a hole in your pocket after the holidays?  Well, pool those Christmas checks and get ready.  For $350 you get to see Sarah Palin deliver the keynote speech at the National Tea Party Convention in scenic Nashville Tennessee!  If she shows up! Toss in an additional $200 and you can attend the rest of the convention too.  Maybe she’ll do what she did for the local Tea Party in Wasilla.  I think she actually got out of the car for a few minutes!  We can only hope.

Look, they’ve even got their own logo.

Hmmm…  If you remove the angry bird of prey that looks like it’s going to rip your eyes out, and bend those red bars a little… it looks kind of familiar.

Just sayin’.

A Story

I stumbled across a wonderful website full of stories.  The site says that “All elders 50 and over” are welcome to submit their stories to be published on the blog, which is called “The Elder Storytelling Place.”  What a fantastic idea!  And today I discovered a story written by Anchorage resident Jeanne Waite Follett that I wanted to share.  The author takes a visit to the Anchorage Pioneer Home to visit a classmate who has had a stroke.  It’s a sweet, funny, touching story.  I hope you enjoy it!

Critical Habitat for Belugas

If you’re frustrated that you can’t attend the Citizens’ Advisory Council for the Alaska Department of Fish & Game meeting on Tuesday, here’s a little thing you can to to speak up for Alaska wildlife.  Remember those damn beluga whales?  The endangered ones that wannabe wildlife biologist, but instead corrupt GOP congressman Don Young just “knows” aren’t a separate species?  The ones that just hang out in the Inlet to irritate Mayor Dan Sullivan? (You gotta love ‘em for that alone) You can click HERE and sign a petition supporting NOAA’s proposal to establishment a critical habitat area for the belugas.  They would say thank you if they spoke English.

An Award for Ossiander

The Alaska Ear has given an obligatory round of year-end awards.  Since Ossiander got dissed by the Muddies, I thought I’d post her achievement here.

I’M THE DECIDER AWARD . . . To Assembly chair Debbie Ossiander, who was shocked, just shocked, when a majority of the body she allegedly headed voted her out. Let’s see — when you’re the head of a political group and don’t know most of them want you gone, are you really the head of the group?

Good point.

Polar Bears in Seward??

Not polar bears like the big white carnivores of the arcitc, but polar bears like crazy people.  Crazy in a good way, but crazy nonetheless.  On January 14th, the good people of Seward, Alaska will celebrate the city’s 25th “Polar Bear Jump.”  This does not involve leaping over the aforementioned deadly killers.  It involves seemingly rational people leaping into the frigid waters of Resurrection Bay. Jumpers will dress up in crazy costumes, march through town, and jump in the drink to raise funds for the American Cancer Society.

The weekend full of activities begins Thursday January 14th with a poker tournament at the Pit Bar. Friday, January 15th is the big auction at Tony’s Bar.  There’s a Saturday breakfast put on by the Elks Club, turkey bowling (no I have no idea and I don’t want to know), a children’s winter carnival, the parade, a seafood feed, an Air Force Band mini concert and more. Awards are given to the top 10 fundraising jumpers in the afternoon. In the evening, there’s a Lip Sync contest, oyster slurping contest, live music, and a Karaoke contest. Sunday’s activities include a hair cut off, which benefits Locks for Love, and there’s a pool tournament.  Wow.  And you thought there was nothing to do in Alaska in the winter!

Any Seward Mudpups (and I know you’re out there) who want to send pictures?  Email them to me at akmuckraker(at)yahoo(dot)com!

Excitement in the Mudflats!

OK, nothing happening on these Mudflats can top this.  Here’s another one of those awesome headlines that grabbed my attention immediately.  “Robotic Clam to Detonate Underwater Mines.”

Mechanical engineers Anette “Peko” Hosoi and Amos Winter at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology designed robots after the Atlantic razor clam (Ensis directus) because it is one of nature’s best diggers. Using its relatively simple anatomy, the razor clam — which the researchers dubbed the Ferrari of underwater diggers — can burrow into the bottom of its native mudflats at a remarkable rate of roughly a centimeter per second.

When underwater mines are discovered, the little kamakaze roboclams can be sent down to tunnel through the mud and detonate it.

These robotic clams work as fast as the real ones do, and can also be used to assist in underwater drilling and anchoring submarines. No word yet on what the real ones think of this invasion of the roboclams.

It’s that time again Mudflatters and Mudpups!  As 2009 draws to a close, we reflect back on the year that was. We Alaskans expected to slip back into obscurity once our governor and ex-VP candidate decided to come home, learn a little something about politics and international affairs and keep her nose to the grindstone. While the year did not live up to these modest predictions, it did provide a never ending source of amazement and amuseument, and more than a little skullduggery.

The world of Alaska politics may be many things, but it is never boring. And so you are invited one and all, readers foreign and domestic, Outsiders or Alaskans, Cheechakos or Sourdoughs, to vote for those outstanding despicable and notorious characters that made 2009 the year it was.

In 2008, the top spot went to Sarah Palin of course, with a host of dastardly runners-up including:

#2 – Todd Palin
#3 – Meghan Stapleton
#4 – Talis Colberg
#5 – Ted Stevens

How can we top last year? I’ll tell you how. Get ready for this year’s nominees:

Sarah Palin – She’s a rogue, wrapped in a renegade wrapped in a whack job. The ex-almost-one-term governor stood on the shores of Lake Lucille on 4th of July Eve before God, media and waterfowl… and quit. She didn’t quit because she hated her job or because she stood to rake in a fortune from her lucrative book deal, but rather she decided to lead in another direction, because she loved us and the state of Alaska. Her governorship died on the cross, of a thousand ankle bites… and a few million in the bank. Raised on the shoulders of thousands of cheering Teabaggers, she stands poised to go for the golden crown in 2012. The thought of this has half of Democrats cheering in the streets, salivating over a Palin v. Obama showdown. The other half is sitting in the corner clutching their knees and rocking back and forth in a cold sweat.

Todd Palin – The Shadow ex-almost-one-term governor; the Arctic Cat; the banner of bloggers, the keeper of emails. Todd continues to be “the silent Palin” hiding who knows what secrets behind the oft-mentioned “icy blue eyes.” It’s always the quiet ones… In addition to his many accomplishments, including building a house with buddies, and winning the Iron Dog Snow Machine race with undetermined and undisclosed amounts of equipment and paraphernalia from his sponsor, Todd can now add “held in contempt of the Senate” to his list of credentials. Subpoena….pfft.

Meghan Stapleton (aka Magnum Staplegun, Meg the Mouth, and Meg Stapletongue)- This is her second nomination. Former beloved Channel 2 news anchor, Stapleton was mysteriously spirited away in the night, drained of her life essence, and had all of her bodily fluids replaced with a proprietary blend of glacier water, snake venom and the blood of the innocent. OK, well what explanation do YOU have? Spokeswoman for the Palin family, SarahPAC and the Alsaka Fund Trust (the “illegal” defense fund), Stapleton is the official hacker offer of other people’s knees. She’s been seen a lot less lately, fueling speculation that her evil overlords have squeezed all the venom out of her, leaving her used-up withered husk on the pile of other used-up withered husks on the Palin’s political compost pile.

Mike Doogan – Also nominated last year for being a rude pompous blow-hard, he makes the list yet again. After being called out on his bad behavior (calling constituents a “bunch of electrons” and anti-Palin “co-religionists” who sent him “spam”) with a Muddy nomination in 2008, and only coming in 10th (sharing the honor with Fred Dyson), he decided to go for the gusto in 2009. Continuing to use his favorite weapon of choice, the nasty email, Doogan sent a proclamation that he was going to “out” a certain heretofore anonymous blogger (cough cough Mudflats cough cough). After an obsessive five month quest, he announced he’d be posting said blogger’s identity in his legislative newsletter, utilizing state resources, bandwidth and email list. And he did. An immediate firestorm followed, burying him in thousands of emails that put his own to shame and subjecting him to a smack down from his fellow legislators in Juneau. Rumor has it that the ire of another blogger (cough Shannyn Moore cough cough) who happened to be in Juneau at the time resulted in Doogan fleeing down the halls of the capitol building and locking himself in the bathroom to escape the tongue lashing. One of only three known politicos to get his image reproduced on tiny paper flags that appeared in piles of frozen dog poo in the state’s capital (see photo), he now is forever known on both sides of the aisle as “Doo Doo Doogan.”

Wayne Anthony Ross – The attorney who has to be reminded that there are amendments to the constitution that aren’t #2, Wayne Anthony Ross went down in history this year. The only head of a state agency ever to be rejected by the legislature, Wayne Anthony Ross’ dreams of becoming Alaska’s Attorney General went down in flames. Big giant flames. With lots of black smoke. And a big kaboom at the end. Comments like, “If you can’t rape your wife, who can you rape?” left Alaskans slack-jawed. Then there was the famous comparison of gays to lima beans. Just because he thinks they’re “degenerates” doesn’t mean he can’t be fair. After all, no matter how much he hates lima beans, he still must represent The United Vegetable Growers. And who could forget his salacious comments about how “provocative” the governor looked in her Arctic Cat “leathers” during his questioning by the legislature. He alienated Native Alaskans with his anti-subsistance views. And he told the State Senate not to argue about “legal vs. illegal” but just appoint someone to represent the vacant seat in Juneau already. Did I mention there were lots of flames? You may still spot him driving around town in his red Hummer with the license plate WAR. Subtle as a jackhammer.

Mayor Dan "the Hands" Sullivan

Mayor Dan Sullivan – The fiscal conservative who cuts library funds, cops, firefighters, and the arts to the bone, but loves the idea of a gazillion dollar bridge across Cook Inlet has landed himself in the mayor’s chair. An unnatural obsession with Senator Mark Begich, Sullivan prefers the role of “whiner” to that of “leader.” With a dodgy reputation for “likin’ the ladies,” many on the left hope he grows into the nickname “one-term worm.” His crowning achievement in 2009, was to veto the ordinance passed by the Anchorage Assembly which would have added the words “sexual orientation” to the city’s non-discrimination policy for employment, housing, education and accomodations. After dozens of hours of testimony, and after the Assembly came to a thoughtful and correct conclusion, he smiled and sank it like a stone. He’s just a swell guy all around. Did I mention he’s married?

Bill Allen – Former CEO of Veco Corp., briber extraordinaire, and snitcher extra-extraordinaire, 2009 saw, finally, the conviction of the king of the “Corrupt Bastards Club.” Allen got immunity for members of his family, in exchange for a guilty plea, and for dishing the dirt. One of those who snaked out of an indictment was his dislikable, surly offspring Mark Allen, part owner of Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird. In addition to his other charming qualities, Mr. Allen also has a penchant for substance abusing under aged girls. Once the best bud of former SenatorTed Stevens, he sat in the courtroom while his lawyer explained to the judge how poor Bill was just a sitting duck for those awful legislators who were laying in wait ready to take advantage of his natural generosity and bigness of heart. Just like those under-aged drug addicted girls. Poor Bill. You almost had to feel sorry for the guy. Not. The judge wasn’t buying it and Allen was sentenced to 36 months in the Grey Bar Hotel.

Don Young – We wait, and we wait, and we wait. Always the bridesmaid and never the bride… The scandals hang on Alaska’s one and only congressman Don Young like a swarm of flies on one of those African water buffalos, but none of them have landed yet. Spending almost $2 million in legal fees, for what he will not say, Yon Dung has thrown his hat in the ring for a 20th term in congress. Stripped of his committee chairs, and with the corruption sword of Damocles hanging over his head, he is undeterred. He lives on to fight his political adversaries, and a few endangered species just for laughs. Challenged by fellow Republican Andrew Halcro, and Democratic House Representative Harry Crawford, 2010 may be the year when this old goat takes a tumble. Maybe Bill Allen needs a cellmate.

Levi Johnston – Divisive, controversial and always entertaining, the baby Daddy of Sarah Palin’s grandchild has never strayed far from the limelight. In several interviews and frequent appearances on TV, Levi tells his story about how Sarah Palin is not who she claims to be. He has introduced us to the wedding show watchin’, Crunch Wrap Supreme eatin’, shirker of motherly duties. The Emperor has no clothes. And neither does Levi. His photo shoot for Playgirl Magazine made everyone say, “Playgirl is still a magazine?” Corroborating the rumors of a rocky marriage, a dysfunctional household, and a woman bent on crushing her enemies, it seems like people can’t get enough of Levi. He and his sidekick Tank Jones have become the unlikely dynamic duo of Hollywood, and the pistachio nut. Media whore capitalizing on a lack of “protection” and deserving of a Muddy? Or a simple young truth-teller who is earning money to support his infant son while saving the world from the “real Palin?” You decide.

Harper Collins Publishers – There’s no doubt that Rupert Murdoch’s Harper Collins had a good year. Publishers of Palin’s epic work of Fiction “Going Rogue,” they have made a pretty penny. But have they rued the day? Caught up in the drama of Palin’s “bus tour,” they tried to do damage control when it was revealed that the tour was really more of a “luxury private jet” tour in which “girl pops out of bus” at the right moment. Palin’s scheduled appearances on military bases hocking the book, accompanied by inappropriate outbursts about the commander in chief by her dad raised eyebrowns and ire, and created a firestorm of controversy. And then there was that part about editing and publishing a book full of easily fact-checked lies. I mean, if you’re concerned about that sort of thing.

Chevron – The first corporate Muddy nominee. Chevron whistled past the volcano while Mt. Redoubt decided to blow its stack for the first time in 20 years, sending tons of hot debris plummeting down its flanks and putting at risk a tank farm holding almost 2 million gallons of oil, and threatening to deposit it in the waters of Cook Inlet. Yes, they got their employees out, but played an agonizing waiting game before they would do the unthinkable… remove the oil. Much better to risk the lucrative fisheries, the coastal ecosystem and the 300 remaining endangered beluga whales in the inlet than to (gasp) slow down the flow of money. With no seeming concern for anything but the almighty dollar, the Drift River debacle spotlighted the fact that we are just as unprepared for an oil spill in Cook Inlet as we were for one in Prince William Sound before the Exxon Valdez. We escaped a disaster only by the skin of our teeth, the luck of the draw, the whim of mother nature, and a flimsy little retaining wall.

Sean Parnell – And rounding out this dirty dozen is our new governor - “SP 2.0″ as he is known. Caribou Ken. And while we all concede that NObody could be as bad as “SP 1.0″ the new version still leaves a lot to be desired. We waited and we watched, hoping for the best, but reality struck last month when the President of the United States made his first ever visit to the State of Alaska, and Sean Parnell was not there to greet him. It was just impossible…. after all he was two whole miles away! And that luncheon address to a group of general contractors had been scheduled for weeks. Former Conoco-Phillips man, and oil lobbyist, Parnell has enlisted to fight the war on whales, endorsing a whole bunch of further study with the intent to prove that just because there are hardly any Cook Inlet belugas left, that doesn’t mean they’re endangered. His administration’s fight to keep thousands Sarah Palin’s “off the grid” Yahoo emails out of reach of public records requests makes us wonder how different this new governor really is.

Thomas Van Flein – OK, let’s make it a dirty baker’s dozen. While it could be argued that the Palins’ attorney is simply an extension of the Palins themselves, he chooses to remain. Allowing himself to play the strong arm thug of the Palin family, he has threatened not one, but TWO count ‘em TWO bloggers with legal action, whereupon everyone thought, “Yes! Please do it! We’d love to see someone depose Sarah Palin!” It’s what they call in poker, a really lame bluff. Mr. Van Flein was also the unknowing guest at a blogger luncheon, proving the point that if you are going to auction off lunch with yourself as a prize, and your only claim to fame is being Sarah Palin’s attorney, it might behoove you to check who you’re having lunch with. But that’s OK. The lunch was not for naught. We learn that he thinks women who marry younger men are “cougars.” Now, not only has he written up bills for more than a half million dollars in legal expenses to save the Palins from themselves, he is now representing Bristol Palin in her custody fight. It’s a sweet life.

I know it’s going to be a tough call. But you’ve got THREE choices, and all the time you need… until the end of the day on January 1. The Muddies will be announced after that.

Best of luck to all our nominees. Remember, even if you don’t win, just being nominated is a disgrace.

[THE PREVIOUS POLL WAS ONLY ALLOWING ONE VOTE....WHICH MAKES VOTING ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE, SO I HAVE HAD TO WIPE THE FIRST 103 VOTERS. PLEASE VOTE AGAIN, AND ENJOY THE TWO ADDED VOTES!]

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*Please note there are many “Honorable Mentions” that are not mentioned here. Frankly, if I got everyone in Alaska who deserved one of these it would be a veeeery long list! So feel free to add your honorable mentions below. A few that come to mind are Eddie Burke, The Alaska Standard, Jason Cline, Debbie Ossiander, the AK Tea Bag Party-ers, Jerry Prevo, The “Red Shirt Brigade,” the Alaska Personnel Board, Debbie Ossiander, and oh so many more…