This actually works really well.

Yesterday, I was able to capture a second-degree felony assault of quotation marks. The perpetrator is still being sought for “questioning.”

From my Fairbanks friend, the talented and incomparable Jamie Smith. Check out his work at Ink & Snow.

By Jim Wright

What do you call a man who speaks multiple languages?

A polyglot.

What do you call a man who speaks two languages?

Bilingual.

What do you call a man who only speak one language – and poorly at that?

An American.

Goddamned right. There’s only one language worth knowing and that’s English American.

Speak it loud, speak it proud.

Speak it really slowly so that that natives will understand.

Turns out that Mitt Romney speaks French.

Can you believe it?

French.

Of all the languages that are not the biblically musical angelic language of Heaven, i.e. English American, Romney chose French. The language of beret wearing socialist surrender monkeys. The Romans who killed Jesus? They were speaking French, that’s a fact and you can look it up on the internet. While you’re at it, look up French in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Adolf Hitler French kissing Chairman Mao.  It’s totally true.

And Mittens croaks like a froggy Frog eating a little gay croissant.

French is probably the language of the Anti-Christ himself – well when he’s not speaking Chinese that is.

French!

See, it turns out that during his college years back in the socialist hippy 60’s, Mitt Romney spent two years in France as a Mormon Missionary. Two years! And get this, instead of proudly wearing a huge cowboy hat and a Chinese made T-shirt with a picture of US Marines eating actual French babies covered in ketchup, and instead of demanding in a really loud voice that all Frenchmen address him in God’s English American while serving extra double bacon cheeseburgers as is the inalienable right of all Americans abroad, Mitt actually learned French and actually conversed with Frenchy French people in French!

Probably while eating French Toast with a side of French Fries dipped in French Dressing while wearing a French Tickler!

What real American would do such a thing?

And would you really want him in the White House?

I mean, honestly, what kind of American President would speak French?

Besides George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, James Madison, James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, William Henry Harrison, Teddy Roosevelt, and Franklin Roosevelt.  Turns out Ben Franklin spoke French too, he wasn’t the president, but his face is on our money so it’s pretty much the same exact thing.  Ok, so besides those anti-American Frenchy-loving socialist traitors, what kind of President would speak French?  Did Reagan speak French? I don’t think so because Ronald Reagan was as American as the Statue of Liberty! You damned right he was.  Did George W. Bush speak French? Hell, he could barely speak English American (Texan being his native tongue), but darn it he tried and that’s what matters.

You know who else speaks French?

Liberals!

That’s right, filthy America-hating socialist Nazi moderate limp-wristed wussy liberals speak French:

And he speaks French too…

Mitt couldn’t have a couple of bastard children out of wedlock with his undocumented nanny, or a couple of extramarital affairs, or a history of ethics violations, or a conviction for snorting cocaine out of a gay prostitute’s shaved ass crack in a public restroom, or claimed a personal endorsement from Jedi Jebus, or have put out a bunch of racist and bigoted newsletters, or consulted for the very organizations what destroyed our economy, or even have a couple of pictures from his college days sitting on a Kegerator smoking a doobie and wearing a Party Naked T-shirt with the sleeves ripped off like a real patriotic conservative American hero of Patriotic America. Mitt hasn’t even molested one Congressional Page! Oh, no. No, Mitt has to go and learn French.

Why, I bet he listens to the Dixie Chicks!

Mitt Romney is the kind of guy who would have an autographed poster of Anthony Weiner tacked up on the wall in his garage!

Oh you think that’s going too far, do you?  He speaks French! French! He’s bilingual! And bilingual sounds a lot like bisexual! Which is only about one slobbery French man kiss away from just being out and out a flaming rainbow colored sparkly homosexual!

Bilingual, sounds a lot like two-faced to me.

He speaks French, just like John Kerry!  John friggin’ Kerry. What’s next? Are we going to find out Romney was awarded a Silver Star and a couple of Purple Hearts? Who the hell would want a guy likethat as President.  Honestly, you’re talking about somebody that isn’t even smart enough to arrange something as simple as a draft deferment for patriotic conservatism. Now, how would a Commander in Chief like that have the fortitude to be able to send other people’s kids off to die in a foreign land? Seriously. Think about it.

In the name of Fulminous Angry Bearded Capitalist Jesus, what else is a man like Mittens capable of?

Why, he might even know math!

Imagine a President who believes in that science crap!  Why he might believe that the earth is more than 6000 years old! You ever talk to somebody who knows math and science and stuff?  First thing they do is start in with all that totally unsupported gibberish about how it would have been impossible for Noah to have brontosaurs on the Ark while the Deluge was creating the Grand Canyon. They’ve got all those equations and radioactive decay things and fossils and stuff  that supposedly shows that the Earth isn’tthe center of the universe like it says in the Bible.  People like this think they’re smart because they know math, but they don’t even know what the word “theory” means! Honestly, people like this would believeanything. Why, why what if Mitt Romney believes in Global Climate Change?  Holy Mackerel!

I heard that Romney once gave a homeless illegal alien a sandwich!

That’s right. Shocking, I know. Just gave a hobo a sandwich. Didn’t make him earn it. Didn’t tell him to get a job and stop dragging down America. Didn’t tell him to go back to Mexico.  Didn’t force the man into indentured servitude on his family’s Texas ranch where the filthy bum could learn about American capitalism from the example of his betters.  No, just gave the man a big old socialist sandwich. Then, of course, he probably gave the man healthcare too! And a voucher for a free abortion!

Honestly, where does this end?

He speaks French, there’s no telling where that leads – honestly what if it turns out Romney believes that the Constitution applies to everybody, even gay people?

French is the gateway drug to liberalism, Folks, mark my words!

If Romney was a real Conservative, he’d learn to speak a good capitalist language.

Like German.

[Former candidate Michele Bachmann, with her husband Marcus (in pink shirt and tie) says farewell to the race. Photo by Chris Carlson/AP]

Let’s do a quick Countdown of Crazy, and touch base with the best of the best of the Republican party and what they have to offer us in country leading potential.

6) Michele Bachmann

Rumors began last night that Michele Bachmann was going to drop out of the race for the GOP’s presidential nomination. Then she told a close group of friends she’d be staying in, and that she was the one true conservative who could take on Baraaack Obaaama.  But now, in the cold clear light of the Iowa morning sun, she has rethought her position again, and has decided to bow out of the race, after what was ostensibly a last-place finish.

But even “the best campaigner in the family” was slacking on the job yesterday. Marcus Bachmann was apparently off buying doggie sunglasses for the family dog Boomer, which the candidate revealed in a speech for no particular reason. Note Marcus Bachmann’s classic reaction to his wife’s revelation below.

She then went on to thank her children, consulting a list so she could remember them all.

This morning, our favorite crazy-eyed Sarah substitute threw in the towel.

“Last night the people of Iowa spoke with a very clear voice and so I have decided to stand aside,” she said at a press conference this morning in Des Moines. “I believe if we are going to repeal Obamacare, turn our country around and take back our country we must do so united and I believe we must rally around the person our country, our party and our people chooses to be that standard bearer.”

Although she had her brief time on top, placing first in an Iowa GOP poll last summer, the more she spoke, the lower her numbers went. With little support or money left, her time was up and the crazy train made its last stop, in Des Moines.

5) Rick Perry

“Governor Good Hair” Perry was also widely rumored to be dropping out of the race. The following was even tweeted by one of his staffers:

 @Ssmith06: 25 degrees in Aiken, South Carolina. My boss just quit his Presidential campaign and bars close in 30 minutes. Shit.

Can’t take that back, red-faced staffer.

It turns out that rumors of the candidate’s demise were exaggerated, and Perry will stay in the race – at least until South Carolina. He himself tweeted his intent, along with a picture of himself running by a lake, Palin-style,  and giving a thumbs up.

@GovernorPerry: And the next leg of the marathon is the Palmetto State…Here we come South Carolina!!!

With three exclamation points, who knows what could happen!?! Next step, The White House!!!  But first, he’ll be taking a few days to go home “back to the ranch” in Texas, as it were, to spend some time in prayer and contemplation!!!

4) Newt Gingrich

What happens when you put a Newt in the corner and poke it with a little stick? It gets angry, that’s what. And you wouldn’t like it when it’s angry… Heck, you don’t even like it when it’s not angry. Then, it’s just being a condescending, mean-spirited, blowhard, that’s completely out of touch with human beings.

That’s our #4 boy, and he doesn’t much care for Mitt Romney (spoiler alert!) the winner last night. He spent a good deal of time after the caucus praising people who weren’t mean to him, and shooting poison arrows at a certain someone who had something to do with a certain organization who ran certain negative ads.

Romney’s super PAC — like those informally affiliated with Rick Perry, Barack Obama and others — is staffed by friends and former staffers. Election rules permit these super PACs to raise unlimited amounts from the superrich and — thanks to the Supreme Court’s 2010 decision in Citizens United – corporations. The candidates may help raise money for these super PACs. Super PACs must reveal their donors on a monthly or quarterly basis, though they accept donations from nonprofit organizations that are not required to reveal their donors (and argue the practice is legal). The main limit on super PAC activity is that they may not coordinate their activities with the candidates or their campaigns. But this is a more formal than consequential restriction, since the super PACs are staffed by those who know well what the campaigns want.

He had called Mitt Romney a “liar” saying he knew more about the spending of the SuperPAC Restore Our Future and their negative ads than he let on.

Who’d a thunk that one of the first to feel the nasty teeth of the Citizens United ruling would be the likes of Newt Gingrich. And this is nothing compared to what we can expect in the general election. Have the Tums handy for the next ten months, and get ready for some down and dirty playground ass-kicking behind the monkey bars at 3:30.

3) Ron Paul

Scoring more than half of the vote in the 18-24 age group, and 43% of independent voters, there’s no doubt that our goofy, delusional uncle had a good night. He emerged, for Iowans as the non-religious wingnut alternative to Mitt Romney. His supporters and staff are mighty proud.

Paul’s campaign manager crowed:

“There were three tickets out of Iowa, and Ron Paul earned one of them. One of the three tickets, the one belonging to Rick Santorum, is a dead-end due to Santorum’s weak fundraising and lack of national campaign organization.

“This is now a two way race between establishment candidate Mitt Romney and the candidate for real change, Ron Paul.”

But Paul still comes in behind Newt Gingrich in national polls. Perhaps Paul’s rapid supporters, and financial assistance to those same SuperPAC ads that Romney helped to fund will take care of that.  Shhhhh… Don’t anger the newt!

2) Rick Santorum

Sex-obsessed loathsome guy came in second, only eight votes behind. How about that. It’s as though everyone who hates Mitt Romney just let someone pick the name of one of the other candidates out of a hat and everyone flocked to support them, until they learned about them, or until they said something about Libya (the continent where Republican candidates go to die). Then a new name was chosen, and the process was repeated. Bachmann, Cain, Gingrich… and now Santorum. His moment in the sun happened to come at the right time.

Either that or the country really is ready for a man who would annul all same-sex marriages, outlaw abortion, ban contraception, let insurance companies reject you for pre-existing conditions, and get rid of food stamps. What. People are obese – they don’t need food stamps! And while we’re at it, we need to do something about all those disruptive gay soldiers who shouldn’t be allowed to protect our freedom in close quarters.

And the winner is…

1) Mitt Romney

Nobody likes him. He won anyway.

Miscellaneous 

And how could we forget ol’ what’s their names?

Jon Huntsman
Being sane and all, he was all but completely ignored in Iowa. Understanding his devastating liability, he ignored them too – mutual snubbing. Next stop, New Hampshire.

Herman Cain
The Herminator got an impressive 58 votes. Yes, that’s right. Fifty-eight Iowans, knowing their guy was out of the race and why, were so committed to the world’s most infamous gropey pizza man, and so enamored by his “likability” that they left their homes in the cold to write in his name. Kind of makes you feel all warm and gooey, in a horrified, “are you kidding me” sort of way.

Other
There’s our girl! We knew she’d pop up eventually. She got lumped in with Johnson and Roemer whom nobody has ever actually seen. But, even if every single one of the 117 other votes went for you-know-who, there’s the maximum ground-shattering force of the “Palin Earthquake.” Sorry, Iowans. That was no earthquake – just a big truck full of crazy rumbling by on the street on its way to nowhere.

And what does all this mean? How important are the Iowa caucuses, really?

Just ask last year’s winner – President Huckabee.

For me, this pretty much sums it up. I never thought I’d be on the side of the one dousing the elderly with pepper spray, but… Go 2012!

Wishing you all more love, directed energy, optimism, good work, health, and happiness for the new year.

2012 is coming…

For those of you who may be a little challenged in the “fix it” department, please make sure to copy and keep handy this informative flowchart. Seems to work for everyone up here.

Why does Sarah Palin hate puppies?

Apparently they have little to do with “faith, family and freedom.” Forget the whole “man’s best friend” thing, and that Fido actually means faithful, and Americans tend to like their family dogs.  As the black cat is to the wicked witches of legend, so the dog has become the symbol of secret Muslim Kenyan poseurs who are coming to take your guns.

Just ask Sarah Palin, who is outraged…. OUTraged I tell you, over the White House Christmas card, which doesn’t show the baby Jesus, or a giant magical star, or wise men, or a manger. It shows Bo Obama, the White House dog sleeping by the hearth where a Hellfire burneth, in a room with no visible tree… just some presents under an atheistic table, with some pagan poinsettias on it. For all we know, there’s a gay wedding ceremony happening on the other side of the room.

~The Obama’s Christmas card. Note the lack of Christmas symbology and the cold anti-family sentiment, represented by Bo…. the “dog.” (shudder)

The fact that it’s actually far more festive than either the George W. Bush Christmas cards, or the Ronald Reagan Christmas cards is, of course, completely irrelevant. THEY are not secret Muslim Kenyan anti-American freedom haters, who stay up late nights designing “Christmas” cards that are mere symbolic collages meant to be used as (forgive the analogy) dog whistles to the rest of the secret Muslim anti-American freedom-hating community.

~For contrast, look at one of the George W. Bush Christmas cards. Note the flag, which practically screams “Hallelujah, Christ is born!” Also featured are the symbols of faithfulness and family, the Bush family dogs, Mrs. Beasley and Barney.

~And look at this one from the Ronald Reagan – Palin in pants.  The hint that there may be a warm glow in the fireplace, the stirring portrait of a generic founding father, and the manifestation of the virgin birth itself – greenery in the window. Clearly, the Reagans wanted to portray the true reason for the season.

Now that we’ve established that there is the right sort of dog (Bush dogs) and the wrong sort of dog (Osama Obama dog) I’m sure the Palins would be proud to have their family Christmas picture with their dog, who is undoubtedly a Christan as well. Remember? They were gifted an adorable little puppy whom they named Agia (after the Alaska Gasline Inducement Act… awwww). But, wait a minute! What ever happened to little Agia? Well, nobody seems to know. It wasn’t long after Alaska’s first family welcomed the little fuzzy bundle of unconditional love into their home, when Agia got… disappeared. Gone, without a trace, never to be mentioned again. The missing Palin.  I’m not saying that she really does hate puppies… I’m just sayin’.

But, back to the matter at hand. The above clip from Rachel Maddow says it all.