The Mudflats

[A similar article is posted at The Huffington Post]

“All things Palin?”  “Start acting like a mother?” You mean Stapleton thinks you can’t be an effective mother from your Blackberry?  But Palin even ran the state from her Blackberry during the campaign so she wouldn’t have to hand over power to Lt. Governor Sean Parnell!  A child shouldn’t grow up begging for a mother’s attention?  Hmmm. Perhaps some day we’ll learn the true story.  In the mean time, we can’t help but wonder what Sarah Palin will actually sound like now.  Farewell, Meg.  Don’t let the bus hit you on the way out of Dodge.

Let’s see.  Who’s left in that inner sanctum?  Kristan Cole, Kris Perry, and…. Todd.  And then there were three.

[Meg Stapleton chihuahua photo credit Dennis Zaki]

Kids are off limits!  Remember?

So, Bristol Palin, one of those Palin children we were all admonished never to talk about because the former VP candidate’s family life was nobody’s damn business, is now going to star in a TV show.  Yes, an actual episode that the whole country can see by simply pressing a button.  It’s called “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.”  Secret?  Presumably the creators of the show feel that the more people that watch and talk about this show the better. One button, and Poof!  It’s Bristol in our living room.

Are we allowed to talk about it yet?

“Why does anyone even care about this?” Bristol was purported to have cried to her mother over the phone when her pregnancy was discovered during the 2008 campaign and instantly became national news.   The McCain campaign, in a desperate effort to “legitimize” the unplanned pregnancy, sent an airplane to pluck the baby daddy off a mountain where he was stalking sheep, hose him off and stick him in a new suit for the “we’re getting married” tour on the campaign trail.  He wasn’t thrilled, but America was, and that’s all that mattered.

During all of this, we were left with the distinct impression that these two young lovers simply wanted to be left alone to live their lives.  Bristol, we were told, didn’t like being the center of attention and would have preferred to just hole up in Wasilla on her very own self-imposed media blackout.  Understandable.

But then, came “the abstinence tour.”  Bristol, sponsored by Candies (see below), traveled the length and breadth of the land talking about the consequences of having sex when one doesn’t want a child.

Her former fiance and father of little Tripp, Levi Johnston, was disparagingly referred to as “Ricky Hollywood” by Sarah Palin for his various appearances on Entertainment Tonight, the Joy Behar Show, The Tyra Banks Show and Larry King Live.  Clearly Levi was exploiting his accidental fame for even more fame, and fortune.  Humph.  And while he was at it, he talked about birth control and how abstinence doesn’t work, and how Sarah Palin quit being the governor so she could make a lot of money.

But back to Bristol’s TV show.

The episode will feature Bristol Palin as herself, friend to the show’s protagonist who is struggling with teen pregnancy.  This brings us back to the whole uncomfortable narrative that nobody really knows how to deal with.  It goes something like this:

Nobody should have to go through what I went through.  It’s really hard, and I made a bad choice.  But, I love my adorable baby and wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world, except that I’d do things differently if I knew then what I know now, even though I know that I love my child and wouldn’t trade him for anything except the chance to go back and do it again in which case I wouldn’t ever even have had sex.  Or a baby.  Did you see my People Magazine cover with my sweet little Tripp?  And have I mentioned that I’m never having sex again because I learned that terrible terrible lesson and that’s the only way to make sure I don’t have another baby I didn’t plan for.  Isn’t Tripp just the cutest thing?  Gosh I love him.

“I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy,” Bristol said in a statement.

And so, Bristol Palin will do her best to frame her child as something other than “a negative consequence.”

Yes, this is the same child who was supposedly going to be traumatized by having his custody battle open for the world to see.  The Palins, who fought to have the proceedings sealed, feared that media exposure might come back to haunt the young lad as he grew, they said.  Clearly, he did nothing to deserve this scrutiny and attention.  And clearly it couldn’t do anything but make his life a little more challenging than it otherwise would be.  How dare he be subjected to the magnifying glass, and all the potential psychological scarring it might bring!

After a judge’s ruling, the custody battle goes on in the light of day with the Palins filing motions right and left, and asking Levi for $1700 a month in child support.

So, I’d like to present once again that question that the younger and more innocent Bristol Palin asked all those months ago. “Why is this news?”  And the answer simply is that it is not news.  The Palins have not only crossed the line from news to entertainment, they’ve leapt across it with abandon.

Sarah is a commentator for Fox News, and best-selling author.  Todd continues his status as Iron Dog celebrity.  Levi is a Playgirl centerfold and pistachio nut spokesmodel.  Bristol is a TV star and abstinence cheerleader.  Trig is a press release topic, stage prop, and a tool for bashing bloggers and Hollywood media.  Tripp is a “consequence,” a cautionary tale that has spawned a TV appearance by his mom, and a tool of irony to get back at his father for going on TV.  The custody battle itslef is a reality show wrapped in Court TV wrapped in a soap opera.

The poor nation is doomed.  Let’s face it. We have no choice.  It’s like driving along the highway minding your own business and seeing something on the highway median – Look, it’s dancing dogs, and prancing ponies in spangles with women in bikinis standing on top, and shirtless men lifting giant weights, and a ferris wheel, and exotic creatures with stripes and spots, and a woman juggling bowling balls and hack saws,  and fireworks and clowns riding around in small cars, and banjos and balloons, and guys swallowing swords and fire, and having someone in the back seat saying “Don’t look!”

The reality is that as long as the Palins continue to wear rainbow wigs and ride around in small cars, and take their shirts off, and juggle power tools, America will keep watching.

And after a couple seasons of “The Palins” when it’s all starting to get a little predictable, fear not.  Willow and Piper are waiting in the wings.

For those following the 2000 mile Iron Dog snowmachine race, it seems like the most famous pair of racers has scratched.

Iron Dog development director Heidi Griffin said the injury happened about 30 miles past the checkpoint Sunday night, and the racers were returning to the checkpoint.

She did not know the nature of Davis’ injury and expected further updates later Monday.

Davis, 50, is tied with John Faeo as the winningest driver in race history with seven victories. Partner Palin, 45, has four titles. But since their 2007 victory, the duo has had trouble. They finished sixth last year, the worst result in Davis’ 20 Iron Dog finishes.

The team has suffered injury before, most famously when Todd Palin finished the last 400 miles of the race with a broken arm.  Davis has won seven previous Iron Dogs.

The injury occured near Puntilla Lake in The Alaska Range.  The nature of Davis’ injuries are not known.

Details and updates can be found at the Anchorage Daily News.

After the revelation on Mudflats Wednesday that the Palins had not reported the existence of multiple buildings on their land near Safari Lake in Petersville, Alaska to the tax assessor, the story has spread.

An excellent article by Rachel D’Oro of the Associated Press soon followed the Huffington Post piece, with reactions from the Palins’ lawyer Thomas Van Flein, and family spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton.  From there the story went viral, appearing in the Anchorage Daily News, The New York Times, the L.A. Times, The Guardian, CBS News, MSNBC and more.

How did the Palins take the news that the $0 value amount they’d allowed to stand on their tax assessment for at least three substantial buildings on the property had been discovered?

Enter Palin family attorney Thomas Van Flein:

“It is the borough’s job,” he said in an e-mail. “The property taxes on this parcel are fully paid and have never been delinquent.”

It’s someone else’s fault because, well…  it always is.

Enter Matanuska-Susitna tax assessor Dave Dunivan (who thought he was going to have a regular week):

Dunivan, however, said owners are required by state law to report any omissions or errors in their tax assessments.

Hmm.  So much for that strategy.

Let’s try again.  (clears throat)

Re-enter Thomas Van Flein:

Van Flein said work is still being done on the cabins, but both are usable. He said construction began on one of the cabins in 2006, but he didn’t know when construction started on the second one.

Ahhh.  The cabins may or may not be “finished” yet, implying that they may not be tax-worthy at this point?

And back to you, Mr. Dunivan:

The borough taxes structures even if the buildings are not finished. Dunivan said assessors determine a percentage of completion and levy tax based on that percentage.

Well, this isn’t going too well for Mr. Van Flein.  Time for the big guns.  Where is acid-tongued, blogger-flaying, keeper of the poison pen Meghan Stapleton?  Let ‘em have it, Meg:

“This is another blatant attempt to manufacture a story about the Palins following more defamatory swipes,” sayeth Stapleton.

I don’t think we’ve ever heard her quite so… graspingly incoherent.  It’s like someone took one of those old press releases from the governor’s office, snipped it up into little word fragments, put them in a jar, shook it and then pasted them on a piece of paper like a ransom note.

I’d like to try that.  Hold on. (shakes jar)

“We have yet again the desecration of the creating lies of malignancy to sully the name of the governor and her children.”

(shake shake shake)

“This attempt to mislead by false information will backlash those who use defamatory accusations and outright lies.”

(shake shake)

“Another example of shameful disrespecting of the governor from hating haters who seek to destroy her via Tax Panels.”

OK, this is way too fun.  Now you try.

I’m off to dive in to a breaking story about Todd Palin’s email account, which you can discuss on the open thread for now.