The Mudflats

Well boys and girls, it looks like we’ve got ourselves a bidding war. A&E and The Discovery Channel are both after the former almost-one-term governor, turned failed VP candidate, turned reality TV star wannabe.  Pick me! Pick me!

Sarah Palin is following a trajectory more Kardashian than Politician, demanding a big paycheck in her quest for reality TV stardom. After shopping her “TV docudrama” to major broadcast and cable networks, two channels – A&E and Discovery – have expressed interest in the project, which is tentatively titled Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Palin is asking for $1 million to $1.5 million per episode, considered a “hefty amount for a first-year cable series.” The show – executive-produced by reality television guru Marc Burnett – will feature the former governor touring her home state, completing activities such as visiting fishing boats or trekking to a gold mine. There had better be a caribou hunting episode or else this really has no business calling itself a Sarah Palin Alaska show

Sarah Palin’s Alaska? Oh, the possibilities… Will we again get to enjoy watching Palin pick fish while in full makeup and Carhartts?   Is the field dressing of ungulates in the picture anywhere? Perhaps the nickel tour of City Hall in Wasilla, or we could check out a copy of Going Rouge – An American Nightmare at the Wasilla Public Library (if it hasn’t been banned).

She already had the state once, and blew it. I would rather she didn’t try to claim it again.  And what does an ex-governor do with a million and a half dollars an episode?  You could probably fund a campaign with that kind of income.  Or buy a LOT of clothes.

And to answer your next question, yes, the Alaska Fund Trust is still active, and taking your donations to help poor Sarah Palin pay for her legal bills.  (A tiny violin begins to play) Why if you tally it up, that’s like an entire half a reality TV episode… surely she shouldn’t be expected to pay for it herself! She’ll let her fans do that.

Palm Pilot to Nowhere

Palin’s still on the palm thing.  At a speech in Orlando, she referenced yet again the infamous palm writing incident where she had to write the words “Energy, Tax Cuts, and Lift America’s Spirits” on her hand so she’d remember the three things she’d do if she were President of the United States.  Palin the presidential wannabe described the incident by saying she was “busted for using a poor man’s TelePrompter,” and went on to elaborate, “I was just kicking it old school.  It’s the way we used to do it.”   Your assignment for the weekend is to find another human being who is closer to 50 than 40 who uses the phrase ”kicking it old school” without humiliating their children by trying to sound like one of them, and failing miserably.

She also told the audience to get a Bible and look up Isaiah 49:16, which reads, “Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.”  ”If writing on one’s palm was good enough for God, then it’s good enough for the rest of us,” she spake.  Hmm.  Drowning almost every living thing on Earth was good enough for God too.  So was turning people into pillars of salt.  And there was lots of smiting going on there for a while, if I remember correctly.  Can we expect her to start striking people dead?  The “it’s good enough for God so it’s good enough for me” defense might be interesting in a court of law.

Say Uncle!

Lookie! Uncle Ted (aka almost convicTED Stevens) is back! He popped out of his hidey hole today to make an announcement endorsing a bullet line to bring natural gas from Alaska to Alaska via an Alaskan route. Some might say he’s a bit late to that party. Republican gubernatorial candidate Bill Walker has been saying this since anyone can remember, and is running his campaign on that issue above all others. And AGIA takes another body blow. Will we have to fork over Palin’s half a billion dollars to exit the Trans Canada agreement after all? Stay tuned…

Cawfey Tawk

Across America, the thinking man’s answer to the Tea Party movement will be seeing gatherings springing up everywhere. Started by a very clever and impassioned Facebooker, the Coffee Party has a mission:

MISSION: The Coffee Party Movement gives voice to Americans who want to see cooperation in government. We recognize that the federal government is not the enemy of the people, but the expression of our collective will, and that we must participate in the democratic process in order to address the challenges that we face as Americans. As voters and grassroots volunteers, we will support leaders who work toward positive solutions, and hold accountable those who obstruct them.

***There’s a Coffee Party at 10am in Wasilla at the Metro Cafe, and one at 7pm in Anchorage at the Cafe del Mundo on Benson. Wherever you are, you can check for locations near you at Coffee Party USA.***

Good Wife Goes Rogue Rouge

On this week’s episode of “The Good Wife“  Going Rouge makes an appearance!   A backwoods ballistic expert flirts with a lawyer and as part of his flirtation he sends her a lavishly gift-wrapped copy of Sarah Palin’s  Going Rogue.   She responds by sending him a copy of Going Rouge – An American Nightmare!  I hear it got a great cover shot.  

Congratulations, Senator Begich!

Congratulations to Senator Begich for landing a spot on the Senate Budget Committee!  Nice!

Acknowledging his continuing efforts to address the federal budget deficit and growing debt, the Senate approved his appointment to a vacant seat on the Senate Budget Committee, effective Tuesday night.  He joins the Budget Committee with a focus on fiscal responsibility. During his first year in office, he has supported the Senate’s adoption of “Pay-Go” rules, Congressional and Presidential efforts to establish a federal debt commission, a Presidential suspension of discretionary spending, and numerous initiatives promoting transparency and efficiency in government spending.

For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow

Today is the birthday of one of my favorite members of Congress – Alan Grayson. He is living, breathing proof that it is medically possible to be a registered Democrat and also have a spine. He appears to be no worse the wear for having this spine, and to show support for him, there’s an effort to get donations to his campaign. He’s 52 years old, so if you would like to send a symbolic $52 to his campaign, or any amount you see fit, click HERE. This guy is fighting the good fight every day, not only for members of his district, but for all of us. Last week he introduced a simple four-page bill to let all Americans buy into Medicare. It has 50 cosponsors already. You can support the bill at WeWantMedicare.com. And he’s even leading the GOP primary poll in which only Republicans in his district were surveyed! I guess everyone loves a spine.

It’s All Mine

Ah, the loophole.  They always seem to find them, don’t they?  Well there’s a loophole in George W. Bush’s 2002 Clean Water Act that allows mines to dump waste in America’s waters.  But the good news is that the EPA has the authority to close the loophole.  EarthWorks is organizing a call-in day on Monday, March 15 when concerned citizens will call the White House and urge action.  This loophole is allowing the Kensington Mine near Juneau to destroy a freshwater lake by calling this mining waste “fill” and dumping it, untreated into the lake.  It’s also allowing mountaintop removal coal mines to dump their waste into the streams of Appalachia. 

So get ready to enter a new contact into your cell phone, or put it on your speed dial.  It’s the White House!  I think every American should have the White House on speed dial!  202-456-1414.  Call it and ask your president to restore the Clean Water Act’s prohibition on dumping mining waste into clean water.

Kids are off limits!  Remember?

So, Bristol Palin, one of those Palin children we were all admonished never to talk about because the former VP candidate’s family life was nobody’s damn business, is now going to star in a TV show.  Yes, an actual episode that the whole country can see by simply pressing a button.  It’s called “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.”  Secret?  Presumably the creators of the show feel that the more people that watch and talk about this show the better. One button, and Poof!  It’s Bristol in our living room.

Are we allowed to talk about it yet?

“Why does anyone even care about this?” Bristol was purported to have cried to her mother over the phone when her pregnancy was discovered during the 2008 campaign and instantly became national news.   The McCain campaign, in a desperate effort to “legitimize” the unplanned pregnancy, sent an airplane to pluck the baby daddy off a mountain where he was stalking sheep, hose him off and stick him in a new suit for the “we’re getting married” tour on the campaign trail.  He wasn’t thrilled, but America was, and that’s all that mattered.

During all of this, we were left with the distinct impression that these two young lovers simply wanted to be left alone to live their lives.  Bristol, we were told, didn’t like being the center of attention and would have preferred to just hole up in Wasilla on her very own self-imposed media blackout.  Understandable.

But then, came “the abstinence tour.”  Bristol, sponsored by Candies (see below), traveled the length and breadth of the land talking about the consequences of having sex when one doesn’t want a child.

Her former fiance and father of little Tripp, Levi Johnston, was disparagingly referred to as “Ricky Hollywood” by Sarah Palin for his various appearances on Entertainment Tonight, the Joy Behar Show, The Tyra Banks Show and Larry King Live.  Clearly Levi was exploiting his accidental fame for even more fame, and fortune.  Humph.  And while he was at it, he talked about birth control and how abstinence doesn’t work, and how Sarah Palin quit being the governor so she could make a lot of money.

But back to Bristol’s TV show.

The episode will feature Bristol Palin as herself, friend to the show’s protagonist who is struggling with teen pregnancy.  This brings us back to the whole uncomfortable narrative that nobody really knows how to deal with.  It goes something like this:

Nobody should have to go through what I went through.  It’s really hard, and I made a bad choice.  But, I love my adorable baby and wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world, except that I’d do things differently if I knew then what I know now, even though I know that I love my child and wouldn’t trade him for anything except the chance to go back and do it again in which case I wouldn’t ever even have had sex.  Or a baby.  Did you see my People Magazine cover with my sweet little Tripp?  And have I mentioned that I’m never having sex again because I learned that terrible terrible lesson and that’s the only way to make sure I don’t have another baby I didn’t plan for.  Isn’t Tripp just the cutest thing?  Gosh I love him.

“I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy,” Bristol said in a statement.

And so, Bristol Palin will do her best to frame her child as something other than “a negative consequence.”

Yes, this is the same child who was supposedly going to be traumatized by having his custody battle open for the world to see.  The Palins, who fought to have the proceedings sealed, feared that media exposure might come back to haunt the young lad as he grew, they said.  Clearly, he did nothing to deserve this scrutiny and attention.  And clearly it couldn’t do anything but make his life a little more challenging than it otherwise would be.  How dare he be subjected to the magnifying glass, and all the potential psychological scarring it might bring!

After a judge’s ruling, the custody battle goes on in the light of day with the Palins filing motions right and left, and asking Levi for $1700 a month in child support.

So, I’d like to present once again that question that the younger and more innocent Bristol Palin asked all those months ago. “Why is this news?”  And the answer simply is that it is not news.  The Palins have not only crossed the line from news to entertainment, they’ve leapt across it with abandon.

Sarah is a commentator for Fox News, and best-selling author.  Todd continues his status as Iron Dog celebrity.  Levi is a Playgirl centerfold and pistachio nut spokesmodel.  Bristol is a TV star and abstinence cheerleader.  Trig is a press release topic, stage prop, and a tool for bashing bloggers and Hollywood media.  Tripp is a “consequence,” a cautionary tale that has spawned a TV appearance by his mom, and a tool of irony to get back at his father for going on TV.  The custody battle itslef is a reality show wrapped in Court TV wrapped in a soap opera.

The poor nation is doomed.  Let’s face it. We have no choice.  It’s like driving along the highway minding your own business and seeing something on the highway median – Look, it’s dancing dogs, and prancing ponies in spangles with women in bikinis standing on top, and shirtless men lifting giant weights, and a ferris wheel, and exotic creatures with stripes and spots, and a woman juggling bowling balls and hack saws,  and fireworks and clowns riding around in small cars, and banjos and balloons, and guys swallowing swords and fire, and having someone in the back seat saying “Don’t look!”

The reality is that as long as the Palins continue to wear rainbow wigs and ride around in small cars, and take their shirts off, and juggle power tools, America will keep watching.

And after a couple seasons of “The Palins” when it’s all starting to get a little predictable, fear not.  Willow and Piper are waiting in the wings.

What is there to say? Here’s a gift for the person who has everything. Because I’d feel pretty safe in betting they don’t have THIS – a gen-u-wine roll of embroidered Sarah Palin toilet paper. You betcha.

“Embroidered Toilet Paper,
first sheet is machine embroidered
So if you really wanted to, you could place it in an acid free pouch and save it forever. Journal about it, show people you have a great sense of humor

I prefer to embroider on charmin tissue, however if you prefer something different please let me know in the message to seller.”

Only the first square has the embroidery, so really the fun would be gone fairly quickly, unless of course you follow the suggestion in the items description and purchase an “acid-free pouch” so that Palin’s smiling face may look out at you from the linen closet until the end of time. And by all means, don’t forget to “journal about it.”

February 17, 2010
Dear Diary,
The day I’ve been waiting for finally arrived! I checked the mailbox and saw a box! Yup, I got my six dollar roll of Sarah Palin toilet paper at last. It’s the most awesome day, ever!!! I hope I get an acid-free pouch for my birthday so I can keep it forever and ever. This one’s on Charmin, but I’m going to save up and make a special request for Cottonelle. Maybe I’ll start a collection and get one on each brand!!!!! They have a George W. Bush roll, and also Jack Kennedy, but Sarah totally rocks!! I think I’ll bring it to work tomorrow and put it on my desk so everyone can see it and be jealous. Hahahaha! Losers.