Regional Chinese mourning customs

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[bonefish]

My DIL-to-be's father just died today. Has been expected since Thursday... When the doctor told the family that Mr. L* would not survive, his wife (DIL-t-b's mother) had a priest of some sort come up from Des Moines and perform a rite for the family. This involved shaving everyone's heads, including the daughters.

I know of some rituals that involve shaving the head but have never heard of the daughter's being shaven until some time after the funeral. I am unclear as to where the family emigrated from but they speak a provincial and, I hear, unusual dialect. DS is thinking it is a regional variation on a Buddhist ritual but isn't sure. The family wants no"interference" (wishes, sympathy, so forth) from anyone outside their own circle, which we will certainly observe but DS is unhappy that he will not be allowed to help his fiancee through this.

Can someone enlighten me about all this? (please don't tell me that DS being excluded doesn't bode well. I know that.)

[Forty Watt]

I have only heard of head shaving in mourning in Hinduism.  I know there are a small number of Chinese Hindus, but that is probably a long shot.  

Sorry bonefish.  I expect someone will find answers.  

[bonefish]

Thanks, 40. Someone is likely to know. I think what has thrown me off is the daughter's heads being shaved before the death. Odd...

[pacos_gal]

Well, that is a new one on me bonefish.  I'm sorry to hear on your son and families behalf of the passing.   

[bonefish]

OK, my info is about a far off as it could be. That family are not ethnic Chinese, they are Vietnamese... this wasn't clear to me before so I had to get more info from DS2.

*sigh*

[InterestedPerson]

Bonefish,
what little I know:

In at least some Buddhist traditions, it is important for mourners to not show grief
or distress, so that that the soul or consicousness is allowed to pass on without
attachment to those left behind, especially during the first few days as the consciousness
is making its transition. Within Tibetan Buddhism in the West, that is practiced,
and a seminar on Hmong culture, I was told this is their tradition, also.

Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist whose writing is incredible accessible
and wonderful, for anyone of any faith.  I havene't read anything of his that was
related to such customs, but if they are Buddhist, he would be a perfect
introduction.

Have you looked on line?
I hope by now the situation is eased for you .

[LisaB]

Maybe I'll give my friend a call.  She was an ex-pat in Vietnam for two years.  I bet she knows.

[bonefish]

InterestedPerson and Lisa, thank you. I will look Thich Nhat Hanh up and see what I can learn. DS has been telling me all kinds of interesting things about this process, most of which I don't understand but am working on it.

For 100 days after the interment, the family doesn't do any socializing. School and work and that's it. I need to read up and find out why...

Nobody who has a zodiac sign that is considered inimical to the deceased's must stay well away from the coffin. I think this is because the deceased's soul will come back and drag the bad signed person's soul into death with? I think?

If a death is imminent, the family visits the person and makes their peace.

DS has a book on Vietnamese Buddhist beliefs that the priest loaned him and when he is done with it I will read it. He pointed out that the book must NOT touch the floor. A matter of respect. (not like i put books on the floor, anyway.)

This is fascinating and I am looking forward to learning more.

[CO Almost Native]

Maybe this will help:

http://www.thoughts.com/HUIFANGWENPAN/blog/vietnams-customs-funeral-ceremony-22010

I had many Vietnamese students when I taught ESL, but I don't remember anything about shaving their heads.  Maybe they are Hmong, or another subgroup-

[InterestedPerson]

Re the books not touching the floor...I think that is pretty much a pan-Buddhist
practice.  Think of how we treat the American flag, because of what it symbolizes to us:
respect of not flying it in the dark, folding it a certain way, burning it to dispose of it,
not letting it touch the ground...
and the way eagle feathers are treated by Native Americans:  when if falls off a dancer's
headdress, at a powwow all dancing stops while it is swept up with an feather fan
and surrounded by only warriors.

The texts, of the Dharma, are so precious because they teach the way to liberation
from suffering by telling us the truths that we have always known but let become
obscured.

Chrisitians, Jews and Muslims treat their scriptures with respect, but growing up in
a Christian culture, it was more pro-forma...in these other situations that I mentioned
it seems more profoundly felt.  To me, anyway.

[bonefish]

CO and IP, thank you. I will check CO's link and the simile between the flag et. al. and the books makes a lot of sense.

Future DIL is surprised and pleased that we all want to learn about her family's customs, foods and history. Her family is more than a little surprised by DS's interest and willingness to learn and desire to understand.

I know we live out in the sticks but we aren't all parochial First Nation-type people...

[LisaB]

I spoke to my friend who was an ex-pat in Vietnam.  She hadn't witnessed anything like it, and she even attended two Vietnamese funerals.  However, she freely admits her movements were limited to urban areas.  Apparently there's a lot of diversity up north that she didn't encounter.

[InterestedPerson]

In a redio interview about a Hmong cookbook produced here in Wisconsin,
the point was made about customs being particular to each family lineage/clan.
And I remember that individuals patients in the medical center where I worked
very often would include the clan leader in Minneapolis in any decisions about
their health care.
I know Vietnamese is not the same as Hmong, but I think the individuality of the
family practices might be relevant.
I'm glad that your intentions are being appreciated...and not to presume anything,
but it may not be the usual experience for the fiancee's family...in some areas there
is a lot of effort to learn about newcomers, but both in the city where I live now,
and the country where I grew up, there is plenty suspicion and meanness.