Life Panels -- We Need Them

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[Bear Woman]

This one is tough.....  But the following video from Keith Olberman is important to all of us.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3036677/ns/msnbc_tv-countdown_with_keith_olbermann#35572842

The discussion about death and what we want done and when is important.  Keith's story of his father's struggle brings this out.  If you don't have those discussions ahead of time with your parent, spouse, sibling, children, loved ones or health proxy you will rob yourself and them of the certainty of knowing what to do for you and when.  Facing death and acknowledging it is not easy, having to do so in an emergency or life-threatening situation is even more difficult.

As stated in the video, the discussions with the doctor are paid for by insurance, and in his father's case Medicare.  These discussions with a doctor about what to do, what the reality is, are life discussions.  Only the patient and the family can stop treatment.  Not the doctor on his own and certainly not the government.  Insurance companies can and do act as death panels when they refuse treatments or say a condition was "pre-existing" and refuse coverage.  At that point, they force people to decide for death if they cannot afford the treatments not being covered or offered by insurance companies.

Some people cannot have these discussions about death and what to do and when.  My husband won't really discuss it even though he has lung cancer.  We've been lucky so far because he has survived 4-1/2 years thanks to chemo.  But time is running and in reality at some point things will quit working.  I have tried to have the discussions with him.  He cuts them short and says "I trust your judgment".  Sadly, he has never had a real discussion with his daughter -- she will be a problem when the time comes to stop chemo and to only keep him comfortable.  She too cannot and has not initiated any discussions with him.  This can be forgiven -- he is not easy to talk to.  Sadly she won't think of this very discussion for herself and her husband because they are young (30s). 

Please, have these discussions with your family ahead of time.  Please have these discussions with the doctor to understand what the options mean and what they can or cannot do.  None of us like to acknowledge that we will die and to accept that fact.  But please, take time to think about it, talk to your family and talk to your doctor.  Make informed decisions and give adequate and informed decisions to your family so that if that time comes to make hard decisions, they can do so with the knowledge that they are doing as you would want and they never have to feel guilt or second guess their decisions.

[futurexpat?]

I watched this last night, and it was heart breaking. I was stunned that his father has never left the hospital after all this time, and I'm so sorry that it has been such a bad six months for them.

I agree with that that this is an important discussion to have. We have had it here in my immediate family, and I have the living will here for myself (if only I would dig it out and sit down with it). But my family has had the discussion, so they know my feelings and my husband's. No one will have no idea of our desires in case it ever comes down to something like Keith's father and many others.

I have friends, one of whom died of colon cancer, a year and a half ago. They were young enough that they had never had a discussion about it, but they were forced to look a the reality of it and took the appropriate steps once they faced his diagnosis. They were told at the very beginning that he was terminal. So they at least had a little warning before the inevitable 15 months' later. The situation won't always work out where one will necessarily have that 15 months. Cancer may allow the time for this discussion; a heart attack, stroke, or serious accident will not.

I had to do a DNR for my father 2 1/2 years ago when he was dying in the hospital. I think I did what he would have wanted, just from general conversations over the years. My parents had talked about doing a living will, but had never gotten around to it. Trust me, sitting down with a nurse to have each and every little thing that could be done explained and then having to say do this, don't do that is not a conversation you ever want to have at a time like this.

I hope more people will take the appropriate steps. Thank you, Bear Woman, for starting this thread.

[daMamma]

My husband and I have had this discussion and have let our children know exactly what our wishes are.  Neither of us want to burden the other with having to try to figure out what the other wanted and how we wanted certain things done.

We didn't want our children to be burdened with these decisions either, or to have to live with guilt and what ifs. 

Our paperwork is filled out and copies filed with our doctor and handed to each of the adult children.  There will be no misunderstandings as it is all written down. 

We are young (40s) and healthy right now, still one never knows what tomorrow will bring.  (who says there is not a bus with my name on it?  )  I wish my kids would take their own end of life plans more seriously.  But then the very young (20s) rarely do.  Everyone should consider what they want for themselves, sit with their loved ones, doctor and make the hard choices now so they can have exactly what they want later should that time come.

Great topic Bear Woman, thank you for starting it.

[Sister Artemis]

I am thankful that I've had some base-level discussions about my mother's attitudes towards health care, life support, and the decisions about when to withdraw extreme life-sustaining measures.  Though we've never delved into the nitty gritty details - something more likely to come up in relation to particular diseases - I do feel like if I had to, I could make decisions consistent with her desires and beliefs.

I credit that to coming from a mouthy, talk-about-any-damn-thing kind of family.  Sometimes obnoxious, but over all, a very good thing.

[Memphis, NY]

That was heart breaking
I lost my Dad a little over 2 years ago and it is still raw I still miss him
I'm a paralegal so I have prepared my parents living wills and Healthcare proxy
Have had the discussion with the daughters one wants the plug pulled and one wants to live forever even if she isn't awaare
Did remind me that I need to re-do my Health Care Proxy as my ex-husband is my proxy
I think he might pull the plug even if I wasn't terminal