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June 24, 2021


Day 9 – The Puker Returns

I knew I’d forget one. I made a list of springtime indicators on yesterday’s post, and sure enough, I got a reminder.

It’s not quite like robins, or bunnies, or adorable woodland creatures, but it probably involves one or more of them. I am speaking, of course, of the dog finding some half-frozen rotting carcass (aka yummy treat) melting out of the snow pack. A few years ago, she came home with a frozen-solid rabbit spine with two appendages still attached, so it looked like a big fuzzy “Y”.

They say that insanity is repeating the same thing over and over, expecting different results, but I think it’s just stupidity. I love dogs more than anyone else I know, but they are stupid. I can say that without hurting their feelings, because they can’t read. Seiously, if the last time I ate a six-month old decomposing rabbit-sicle, I became a projectile puking machine for two days, I’d probably lay off the next time.

And it isn’t like dogs don’t have the tools to make good decisions. We humans are limited in our smell capacity.

“Smell this milk. Do you think it’s bad?”
“If you have to ask me to smell the milk, it’s bad.”
“No, really. Tell me what you think.”
“I’m not smelling the milk.”
“Smell it! Come on!”
“Holy mother of God! That’s disgusting! You couldn’t tell that was bad?”
“Well, I kind of thought it was bad.”
“I hate you.”
“Well, why did you smell it?”

Dogs are different. Just ask the website Understanding a Dog’s Sense of Smell for Dummies.

A dog’s nose not only dominates her face, but her brain, as well. In fact, a dog relies on her sense of smell to interpret her world, in much the same way as people depend on their sight. Although this contrasting world view may be hard to imagine, know that your dog interprets as much information as you do. However, she does much of this by smelling an object or animal, not by staring at it.

A dog’s brain is also specialized for identifying scents. The percentage of the dog’s brain that is devoted to analyzing smells is actually 40 times larger than that of a human! It’s been estimated that dogs can identify smells somewhere between 1,000 to 10,000 times better than nasally challenged humans can.

So, after understanding 10,000 times better than my eyes can, that this is a decomposing rabbit, and also knowing that the last 6 or 8 times she’s eaten one of these, bad things happen, the dietary choice was nevertheless made. For an animal whose entire existence is based on having a bionic nose, she’ll order the roadkill snow cone, please. Who’s the Dummy now?

It’s the dog version of arming the rebels. “I know it’s been a total shit show before, but this time, THIS time I tell you… it will be different.”

Last night, she was unusually needy. She’d come over, and press up against the couch, and put her chin on my knee and gaze at me with an expression that either meant, “I’m desperately in love with you,” or “I’m about to coat this house in stomach lining, and I want you to remember how cute I can be so you can summon that image later when you’re cleaning it up.”

“Awww. Who’s a good dog? I love you too!”

Then came phase 2. Whilst sitting on the floor pressed up against my legs, she emitted an energetic noise, something like a kazoo. Her ears flew up to half mast, and she jumped in alarm. Once she realized it was, in fact, she herself who had made the sound, she locked eyes with me for a quick second, and then crouched and slunk away in shame back to her pillow.


I wasn’t quite sure whether to find this display pathetic or hilariously funny. After another couple hours, when the entire house had become a canine gas chamber, I decided it was neither, and I booted her outside and opened the windows, even though it was 40 degrees outside.

And at last it came, the hurling. And it happened in the middle of the night, so nothing could be done. I was awakened in the morning to shouts of, “Eeeeeeeewww!” and “Gross!” and a final analysis of, “She must have gotten into something.”

The rest of the day was a series of barking to get out, barking to get in, barking to get out, barking to get in… followed by endless shifting around on the pillow, and horrible wracking trembling sighs.

And you do have to feel sorry for the poor thing, even though she’s an idiot.

We all have rituals. My springtime ritual is going to the greenhouse, or taking a hike. But to each her own.

Next year… NEXT year, I tell you, it will be different.


Yes, I still love you.

Yes, I still love you.



22 Responses to “Day 9 – The Puker Returns”
  1. mike from iowa says:

    So Buf brung you a frozen rabbit spine with two appendages so it looked like a big fuzzy Y. Did the thought ever cross your mind that Buf wanted to share a wishbone with the goddess of her life? You might have made Buf the happiest canine in the world if her wish had come true. Newser reports that one thing rethugs,Dems and Independents agree on is everybody’s dislike of Justin Bieber. Arizona rethugs passed abill which guv Brewer signed that stops agencies from destroying any weapons purchased in buy back programs. All weapons must be sold to a licensed dealer/dealers for resale to the public. Might freeze tonight and be 91 degrees by Tuesday. Is it or isn’t it spring?

    • Alaska Pi says:

      Jeez. All over the map for temps and weather for weeks there…
      WHAT IS normal for spring there?
      Here it is getting to swap out the down vest for the fleece vest , carrying a raincoat instead of a parka, and getting out your rain boots.

  2. mike from iowa says:

    Po widdle Windsay Wohan wants out of the Betty Ford Clinic because doctors tookaway her Adderall. Should have replaced it with Cleopatra’s adder-all better now. Ms Wohan is not there for fun. A judge ordered her there for the 11,999th time and before she went she spent time in Brazil. I guess the inmates do run the asylums since she was late(again) for her last court hearing. On the bright side my Oriole was caught digging into strawberry preserves just before six this morning my time. I bought him a nectar feeder and am expecting at least three more Orioles this year.Silly house sparrows take a nip on occasion and spend the next few minutes trying to wipe jam off their beaks.

    • mike from iowa says:

      Geez it is a sunday and Mother’s Day and I must confess I lied about Cleopatra and her choice of snake for soo-ecide. Not intentional,but a lie never the less. So to make amends Ms Windsay Wohan should be given a couple “Asp” pirins and not so much adder-all better now. Don’t recall ever seeking a snake’s forgiveness before. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all Mothers out there.

  3. zyggy says:

    Bottle up some of the puke, wrap it in a purty package and send it to the makers of Fabreeze. =)

  4. WakeUpAmerica says:

    Road kill snow cone?
    That was truly inspired!

    Does she also like to roll in the decomposing bodies and perfume your house with the lovely stench?

  5. benlomond2 says:

    What I can’t understand is their need to ROLL in whatever tantalizing smell item they’ve found… my last dog would get a bath at least twice a week, and seemingly every time when I had to work late, and then be greeted at the door by wife with “Do you know what YOUR dog has gotten into ??” ( why is it always MY dog when this stuff happens ? She and daughter picked it out at the pound !) off to the washing area with Dawn soap and gloves..leash and dog…

    I have cats now… and the neighbor dogs are frequently over to “clean out” the litter box of “treats”….. and then I secretly smile when they run home and give their owners “kisses”…

  6. COalmostNative says:

    All three of the doggies we’ve had go after bees in the spring. (Eye roll) and when the dog would catch one- yup, you guessed it- we would head to the vet… her poor face was so swollen it pulled away from her jaw. Jeckel and Hyde dog: one side normal, the other side- yikes! Zombie dog!

    Get an antihistamine shot, go home and rest- and try to do the same thing the next day. Dumb, dumb,dumb 😉

  7. slipstream says:

    The first robin of the season arrived at my house in Eagle River. Not roadkill. Hopping around, eating yummy things I don’t want too much detail about.

    The birch trees have not leafed out yet. Maybe tomorrow.

    • benlomond2 says:

      I have flowers on my raspberry plants.. …. will have to get a dehydrater this year, mailing fresh berries to Pi didn’t work out too well last year…pear tree is LOADED .. and I HAVE dried those in the past,,YUM!.

      • slipstream says:

        Show off.

        • Alaska Pi says:

          He might be a showoff, but he’s a generous showoff. Plum jam to die for for Mudpups in my town 🙂
          Sending best wishes for successful razzie dehydration experiments , ben!
          First week with overnight lows a smidge above freezing and day temps in the high 50s here. Yesterday hit 65! Spuds, peas, kale, and the like planted. First &$#%^&**(ing slug found and dispatched to slug heaven.
          Is pouring today- Lake Ohforcrap’ssake is full again- but garden is good and on its way!
          Pi dog not allowed to “help” in garden . Thinks chicken manure is as good to roll in as dead fish on the beach later in the year. Bleah.
          Loves oogie bits of expired critters if he can find them just like AKM’s lovely Buf. Have managed to to skip that rite of spring for last couple of years- whew!

          • benlomond2 says:

            IF I get enough plums this year, ( I cut back the tree something fierce this winter) , will send some extra for slip… I know, I know, Eagle River is leagues and leagues away from Juneau, but I gotta start the journey SOMEWHERE!… 🙂 #@$@# Deer got into my string bean patch and chomped about a third of it.. more netting, poles and a trying a new method of keeping the pesky critters out… fishing line strung back and forth on suspected routes into the yard… otherwise… it will be time to dust off the ole 12 gauge and find those deer slugs… as well as the receipe for venison jerky….

    • Alaska Pi says:

      Did the beech trees leaf out? They are such a beautiful tree. They do not thrive in Southeast 🙁
      I live on top of a small hill . Today the first tree opened its leaves here on top, almost a week after the bottom of the hill started showing green leaves on trees.

  8. Ripley in CT says:

    I laughed out loud too many times during this read. When the rumble in their own stomach startles them, it’s time. OUT!

    I lost my best dog to old age a few years back and haven’t had the heart to get another yet. So, instead, I deal with cat hork. *Hork* is the repetitive sound you hear just before whatever thing they ate lands either in your shoes by the door, or down the back of the couch.

    I’m still laughing. At you, of course!

  9. mike from iowa says:

    Muchas gracias. I just mowed and was admiring all that brand new asparagus just begging to be sacrificed to mikey;s tummy and now I can’t possibly imagine scarfing down any thing with the potential to be green and slimy.Without any sordid tales of woe,my ex-banker said he would be delighted to harvest asparagus tomorrow. The world works in mysterious ways and suffice it to say my ex-banker won’t even know how close he might have gotten to ralphing all over my garden. At least my apple and peach trees are leafing out and in another day I should be able to till more garden,without extra fertilizer.

  10. Aw poor thing. Yes one would think they’d learn. But our very smart cocker spaniel (before they ruined the breed) always went for the gigantic toads that sometimes appeared in the summer. It never went well – he always famed at the mouth, giving a good impression of a dog with rabies. And then there was the time he decided to go after a box turtle, who promptly bit the dog on the nose.

    Sigh – but we still loved him and said how smart he was. Guess we weren’t the only ones with a faulty memory.

    • Beaglemom says:

      I think dogs are eternal optimists. That bad thing simply is not going to happen again. In so many ways they are smarter than we are. Just think how much they learn from smells and sounds and they keep it all a secret. They understand multiple languages and can communicate with us but we sure cannot speak “dog” with them. I have arthritis in my hands, thumbs especially, and our beagle reminds me that I won’t be superior to her if I lose the use of my opposable thumbs. And she’s right.

  11. Beaglemom says:

    You have such a beautiful dog! I have never understood how dogs could eat the stuff they eat out on walks or in the yard. Yuk.

    I am in a constant struggle with our beagle who has to take a chewable (ergo, good tasting to dogs) tablet twice a day – with her food. I sprinkle chicken broth on her crunchies to hide the tablet (cut into four small pieces, the size of her crunchies). Sometimes, on a good day, she eats the tablet bits along with the crunchies. For that she gets to keep her blankies and her cushion in the morning and she gets a dog cookie in the evening. Most of the time, however, she leaves behind anywhere from one piece to all four tablet pieces in or next to her food dish. Earlier this week she actually ate all the tablet pieces with her morning meal, got lots of praise, a dog treat, and kept her blankies and cushion. Ten minutes later I noticed that she had puked tup wo of the tablet pieces on our recently cleaned dining room carpet. The dog treat went down completely but the tablet bits had come up. Just bizarre. Her life and ours would be so much simpler if she would just eat the silly tablets. But we do love her.

    And the American Heart Ass’n has just come out with the observation that living with a dog helps prevent heart disease – from the exercise (walks, in and out trips, etc.) and from the companionship that they offer us.

    • beth. says:

      Beaglemom — might there be something in the tabs that she’s allergic to? And that’s the reason she won’t eat them and/or when she does, they ‘come up’ when other things she’s eaten, don’t? Is there some other way she could get the meds she needs? (ie — another formulation and/or ‘shoving’ the pills directly down her throat?) Am I asking a gazillion questions? beth.

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