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Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Send Cruz & Co. to North Slope

As we trip along our merry way through the government shut down, and straight toward the Cliffs of Default, the mighty Matt Taibbi has penned his thoughts on the political landscape for Rolling Stone. Having lived in the former Soviet Union for ten years, Taibbi finds himself musing, “What Would Stalin Do?” about the pack of representatives who seem to have come straight from the back of the school bus, to the back bench of Congress.

I’m guessing he would have taken Tea Party Sen. Ted Cruz’s caucus members, loaded them onto cattle cars, and relocated them to a piece of woodsy wilderness in Alaska’s Chugach National Forest.

Once there, guards would have handed saws and hammers to the esteemed legislators (still dressed in suits and heels – no wasteful government spending on parkas!) and instructed them to build new congressional “branch offices” out of the still-living trees surrounding them. Always conscious of cost, Stalin preferred, whenever possible, to relocate pesky populations to remote deserts and taigas rather than waste bullets liquidating them. Tea Party congresspersons would naturally be one of the first nationalities moved.

Ted Cruz

(AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

While I’m not one to reflexively call into question the assessments of one as clearly learned as Mr. Taibbi, nor presume to be more in touch with what the former Russion dictator would have done with Sen. Cruz and his ilk, I do take exception to a certain suggestion in the above statement, which I have conveniently put in bold type for your reference.

I thought about that assertion for a while, as I slurped my coffee and gazed out the window at the Chugach National Forest (Yes, I really can see it from my house), and came up with what I believe is a better solution. It’s not just because the thought of having Ted Cruz and his pack of malignant cohorts building new congressional offices out of the magnificent birch forest in my back yard makes my physiology do uncomfortable things – I propose that the Chugach is far beyond what they deserve.



I feel confident in saying that The Chugach National Forest is one of the most fabulous pieces of real estate in the country, encompassing the entire breathtaking coastline and emerald islands of Prince William Sound. And while I might have sent the lot there in the spring of 1989 with buckets and hoses to do a little cleanup work, at this point I think we can come up with something a little more fitting for them than this precious jewel of the north.

Might I suggest a destination which is a little less balmy, and picturesque, and a little more “remote.” It’s what Stalin would have wanted. Something, perhaps, like Alaska’s North Slope? I’m thinking the Tea Party caucus can  just hang out there for the winter and ready themselves to get to work when summer hits. It’s easier to work in the daylight, and when temperatures get above freezing.

I’m sure Papa Joe would have approved, don’t you think? Especially since we’re not wasting taxpayer dollars on mosquito netting. And they’re a stubborn and persistent bunch. I’m sure they’d find some trees eventually.



24 Responses to “Send Cruz & Co. to North Slope”
  1. Politics as Usual says:

    Well someone is running their mouth at this rally deal with Cruz “Welcome Racists and Anarchists”…yikes!

  2. mike from iowa says:

    If North Slope crude oil gets wind of Cruz,isn’t it likely to flow the other way and shier in fear so badly that all the BTUs fall out and it will become worthless crud?

  3. StElias says:

    Interesting, in that I always thought that Cape St Elias would be an excellent location for a State Pen, although operating costs could be steep due location. But escaping from there would be enormously more difficult than Alcatraz or Devil’s Island. It is cloud shrouded most of the year and the surf so huge it is difficult to beach on. Just looking at it from the water side, most of the time, gives one an eerie feeling. Brown bears everywhere too.

    I’m talking about the western tip of Kyak Island. It is all within the Chugach National Forest. Most of the year it is fog shrouded and difficult to distinguish. Also, the high surf, year around, make it difficult to beach on, even at locations that aren’t at the base of high cliffs. Gives one an eerie feeling just to look at it from out on the waters of the North Pacific.

    Plenty of ocean junk and tsunami debris too, for keeping a crew busy cleaning up.

  4. Diane says:

    I say put them in the center of Detroit and let them live on welfare and food stamps.
    And apply for Obama care cause their cushy Congressional health care package has magically disappeared because they lost their job!

    • Beaglemom says:

      Leave poor Detroit alone. The people there are just like people anywhere but they have been ill served for decades. After the riots in the 1960’s, they were ignored by the state and federal government. During the more than 13 years that I worked in downtown Detroit, I found that the locals were very nice, hard working people. Much maligned but very hospitable.

      I’m all for sending the teabaggers to a far distant planet (after they pay for their own one-way tickets), one that is far beyond our Milky Way; let them figure out how to get along there without science or education. No one, anywhere in the US or in any other country, should have to put up with the likes of them.

      And I swear, that if the redneck old geezer is having physical therapy and mouthing off loudly that President Obama is a traitor again this afternoon while I’m at exercise, I am going to complain to the front desk. Last week, I just cut short my hour of exercise figuring that my blood pressure was suffering so much that I needed fresh air and a drive along the Grand Traverse Bay to calm me down. Public places should be diatribe-free locations.

  5. Krubozumo Nyankoye says:

    We still got Gitmo thanks to congress, so who needs a gulag?

    I wonder how many people equate waterboard with surfboard?

    Then too I think of how pointless it is to make comments on blogs.
    The stinging nettle makes a fine soup, but first you have to pick it.

    CCACO –

  6. mike from iowa says:

    Since Cruz ain’t rilly an ‘merican, I suggest we send him to war torn Bosnia and replace bomb sniffing rats with bomb-throwing weasels. Doubt land mines would affect Cruz,professional courtesy and all that.

  7. COalmostNative says:

    If they’re sent to the North Slope, equip each of the environment-loving darlings with a bucket and sponge- they can mop up any spills.

    Appropriate, eh- given the vast amount of toxins spewing from their mouths.

  8. DaveO says:

    As the global warming they so adamantly and persistently deny continues its inexorable northward march, so trees and other species are moving as well in the vanguard.
    The now abundant Labrador tea which might be threatened by this climate change needs some stalwart defenders, why not the Tea Party for the job?

  9. mike from iowa says:

    No offense,but that was 24 seconds of the grainiest film I’ve ever seen. Couldn’t the mudflats update their video equipment? Makes my eyes hurt. Looks like old WW1 footage.

  10. As one who frequents the magnificent North Slope across its breadth and depth and wonder, mosquitoes included, I say, “No! No! No!: bad idea! Bad, bad, BAD idea.”

    • Alaska Pi says:

      I’m with Bill.
      The North Slope and its wonderful people, critters ( excluding skeeters), and great land of beauty should not be tainted by these doofs.
      I’m thinking Veniaminof would be good.
      Cozy, small so they don’t get lost, fresh real estate coming on the market regularly…

      A lil drab but they could probably adjust.

      • Zyxomma says:

        Pi, that’s brilliant. I was thinking of dumping them on that mud island that just appeared off the coast of Pakistan (and will probably disappear under the waves, at least until the next geological event), but of course, I’d never inflict the Talibaptists on another country. Sigh. One can dream …

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