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Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Putin Snubs Alaska – Not Invasion-Worthy


You can finally stop scanning the horizon with binoculars from your porch, Alaska. Turns out Vladimir Putin doesn’t want us. At least that’s what he’s claiming in front of the cameras.

The Russian President and former KGB agent participated in an annual televised call-in show, where he answered questions from viewers on a wide range of topics. One of those callers asked Putin if he had any plans to “acquire Alaska.”

Apparently Vlad does not find the 49th state invasion worthy.

“What would you need Alaska for?” Putin asked, reminding viewers that even though Russia had sold off Alaska on the cheap back in the 19th century, the region was too cold for his liking. “We live in a northern country, 70 percent of our territory is in the north,” Putin said. “Alaska’s also the north. So let’s not get excited.”

Excuse me? We’re too cold? You’re the one who couldn’t wait to unload us for some pocket change in the 1800s.

And we get that you’re not “excited” about same-latitude unions. Message received.

(Cue Gloria Gaynor)

The point is that you dumped us for easy cash a long, long time ago, Vladimir. And we’ve grown since then. Our days of being a whimpering little cast-off are finished, our shattered self-esteem has mended, and we’re over you. We deserve better.

Our new federal government actually appreciates us. Yeah, we have some issues with commitment (can you blame us?), but we’re staying… for now.

And please take note that our new government gives us more money per capita than any of the other 49 states; we’ve got a line of suitors clamoring to drill baby drill; we’ve got the largest deposit of rare earth minerals outside your little buddy “China;” and we have more salmon than you.  So put that on a cracker, Vlad.

That’s right. We don’t want your tigers, and beet soup, and stupid fur hats anyway.

As a matter of fact, we think we’ve pretty much got it all covered.


So go play with all your little former Soviet friends, or some opposite-latitude island somewhere. Because to be honest, we’re really not that into you anymore. And we suspect they’re not either.




14 Responses to “Putin Snubs Alaska – Not Invasion-Worthy”
  1. Lol... says:

    Well considering Putin blew a gasket about adoptions… and the richest kid in the world lives on the edge of poverty in Alaska…you can thank those Grifters for that one…had to put in a fact…and when the brother from another mother decides he wants a reunion? lol…I can breath when I stop laughing…it will be comical to say the least! Putin was warned “don’t repeat history” and I don’t think he wants to be escorted home from the First Peoples..Lol…another great victory…they sent Russia packing…now suppose that rich kid joins forces with First Peoples?Run Putin Run…lol…See Putin Run…

  2. AKblue says:

    I don’t know… the photo above, Putin appears be “…rear[ing] his head….”


  3. mike from iowa says:

    Apparently Alaska isn’t big enough for two vastly inflated egos with similarities-their last names start with P,end in N,are 5 letters long,and both are notorious grifters with delusions of grandeur. Neither is a native of Alaska,neither have Alaskan’s best interests at heart,both are prone to rash decisions,both are above blame,neither is ever wrong. One sucks the other blows. Neither got a round mouth from eating square meals. One claims to “rassle” bears,the other claims to be one.One has a black belt in martial arts,the other has a black belt in throwing former friends under the bus. Neither has any compunction about grinding people under their heels-his combat boots,her naughty monkeys. Both are in it for the money,neither for the sake of humanity. Both are extremely bellicose,belligerent,baleful,bloviators. He sounds like nails on a chalkboard,she sounds like nails on a chalkboard on steroids. He is given unlimited power,she is given money. He has a nukular arsenal,she has a nukular personality. He is blonde and blue-eyed,she’s a kook. His first name starts with V for Vlad,hers is V for Victim. He shoots AK-47,she can’t hit the side of a barn. Putin is a dictator,Snookie can only dream. What else…

  4. Really? says:

    Putin has a “word salad” way of trying to make sense. Sounds like an Alaskan-I mean Arizonian we know too well.

  5. Zyxomma says:

    Hey, what’s wrong with beet soup? I LOVE beets, and make a lovely borscht.

  6. mike from iowa says:

    Putin has friendly So Be It spies in ‘murrica. Namely the Palinovichski clan from Lake Loose Seal near Siberia and Castro’s ex-comrade Cruz-chef,the Canadian cum Texan from Cuba. Countess(the money) Sarah Palinovichski can’t wait to meet Vlad the Impostor at the Peterhoff for the Yakov Olympics.and borscht belching contest.

  7. Millie says:

    Alaska? If he crossed over from Russia he’d run into the USA military as well as that from Canada. Could that be Putin’s deterrent?

  8. Ivan says:

    Hey Mr Putin, We do not want your oligarchs and oppressive politicians denying civil liberties and profiting off the people,-.
    We elected our own.
    They are called the Alaskan Republican Party.

    And you better behave yourself,
    we can see you.

  9. slipstream says:

    Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out. They leave the West behind.

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